MacGruber Page #6

that Russian special forces

have recovered the X-5.

That's great!

I want to be there when

you take Cunth down.

MacGruber, listen.

We were wrong about Cunth.

He's not involved.

It was Chechen rebels.

Jim, you're wrong about being

wrong. This is textbook Cunth.

I'm telling you,

Mac, he's clean.

Yeah, as clean

as a pig dick.

Look, Jim, this has gotta

be some kind of distraction

so he can

use the X-5.

And my gut tells me

he's gonna use it soon.

I don't know what

he's gonna do...

Oh, my God.

Jim! Jim! Cunth is gonna

nuke the State of the Union!

MacGruber, this intel comes

from a very reliable source.

Now, do me a favor.

Take some time off.

Just go to a beach somewhere,

kick off your boots

and drink a few Molsons.

I have a better idea.

I'm gonna go

save the world.

Hey, what the f***?

F*** you, a**hole!

That's my car!

Senator, tell me again

where you got this intel.

I'm sorry, Jim.

I had no choice.

Vicki.

I'm so sorry, Vicki.

What the hell?

Vicki?

Vicki?

"Songs for My Gruber."

Oh, Vicki.

Vicki. Where are you?

Hello, MacGruber.

Cunth. What did you

do with Vicki?

Oh, I haven't seen her.

I somehow stumbled

on her cell phone.

Listen to me, Cunth.

I know what you're planning,

you frigging turd.

Look, if you care at all

about Vicki's cell phone,

you'll stay away.

If you don't,

I'll smash it

into a million,

trillion little pieces.

Do you understand me?

I understand. Or at least I think I do.

Vicki's cell phone

is Vicki, right?

Goodbye, MacGruber.

Dieter, wait!

Look, uh...

I just wanted to say that

it's been really good

to mix it up with you.

And, you know,

I think that you would

admit that we make

pretty damn

good adversaries.

And, you know,

thanks for being

there, dude.

Wow. I didn't expect

that. Thanks, MacGruber.

Cunth, one more thing.

Uh... Let's see,

how do I put this?

Uh...

Oh, yeah. I cannot wait

to cut off your dick

and shove it

in your mouth!

Goodbye,

MacGruber.

Time to go

pound some Cunth.

Boom.

Thanks for doing this, Pi.

And, look,

sorry about

last night.

It was a real

rookie maneuver.

Let's get

something straight.

I'm not doing

this for you.

I'm doing it for all the

innocent people out there

whose lives

are at stake.

Well, my life is

just as at stake.

So in a way, you are doing it for me.

And I thank you

for that.

You know what?

Just stop.

That's all you do,

is talk.

You talk and you

f*** things up.

And I rip throats.

I seriously doubt it.

Oh, you do? Well, then,

I guess you'll see.

Will I? Yeah, you

will. And so will they.

Sorry to bother you, sir,

but... Colonel?

Colonel!

MacGruber was right.

Looks like 11,

12 that I can see.

But there will be

more inside.

Well, I hope they got a ditch

dug out back for all the bodies.

Otherwise things are going to

get real smelly here later on.

That's a pretty gross

way to look at it.

Well, I'm a realist.

I don't know how many people

you're planning on killing,

but I am definitely going to

kill that guy with the pony...

Shh! Shh.

No,

just let him pass.

We don't want to attract

any more attention.

MacGruber?

Oh!

Jesus Christ.

Pretty cool, right? Bet

you weren't expecting that.

Yeah, that was

really disgusting.

Well, get used to it,

'cause that's my main move.

Besides, he would've done the exact

same thing to me if he had the chance.

No, he wouldn't have.

He would've shot you, not...

Down, now.

All right, that

was too close.

We need a new

point of entry.

Let's move!

Vicki, Vicki, Vicki.

Always the bridesmaid,

never the bride.

What was that?

Didn't quite catch that.

Stick it where the sun

don't shine, Dieter.

Oh, yeah? Where might that be?

Your butt?

Up your butthole?

Let's just put this

back in, shall we?

Now, I know

MacGruber's after you.

And I can't wait.

You know why?

'Cause I'm going to

watch him watch me

kill you right in

front of him, and then,

I'm going to

watch me kill him

in front of a mirror.

And then, I'm going

to watch some TV.

I hope there's

something good on.

This will be one of the most anticipated

State of the Unions in history.

I'm told the President is

about to enter the chamber.

Oh, good.

I love disaster movies.

Here he is,

ladies and gentlemen,

the President of

the United States.

And then I told her, "Not

for long," and then we rammed.

You what?

Yeah, I humped her.

I don't want to

use the F-word

'cause I don't want to

diminish its beauty in any way.

But it was f***ing great.

And I've never felt that way

about a bone session before.

Yeah, sounds really special. Thanks.

This looks like

the main duct.

We should be right

underneath the control room.

Oh, yeah.

You ready?

Time to go

pound some Cunth.

Yeah.

What?

Nothing.

No, what?

It's just I've noticed you

say that line all the time.

It's a good line.

Is it?

Yeah. I know good lines.

I'm really good with them.

I work them up, and I even have

a line for after I defeat Cunth.

Great. Can't wait to hear it. Practiced

it in a mirror. It is ready to go.

Yeah, you'll hear it.

You'll know.

I'll look at you and...

Yeah, you'll know.

Should we get going?

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, I can go...

You go. You go.

Miller,

do you copy?

Miller,

are you there?

God damn it,

Miller.

Throat lozenges?

You're going to want

to take the whole box.

Awesome. Got another throat rip in.

Cool.

Might go

for the turkey.

The turkey?

Yeah, it's a bowling term for when

you get three strikes in a row.

And I applied that

to throat rips.

That's sick.

Maybe.

But if ripping throats

gets that warhead back,

I'll suck as many

d*cks as it...

Rip as many throats

as I have to.

Did you hear that?

No.

Okay, good.

Awesome!

Check this out.

Hey, Cunth.

Guess who's in your

stupid compound.

It's me, MacGruber!

And I am with my brother

from another mother,

Lieutenant Dixon Piper.

What are you... Let me

do this. What are you...

Let me do this!

Just lick it up. Back

on the air, fuckface!

Kill him.

Now, look. Even though there

are only two of us here in this,

call it a control room,

we are going to destroy you.

Control room! Now!

So anyways, come on

over to the control room.

We'll be waiting, and we have

a little surprise for you.

Pretty good idea, huh?

Which one, the desecration of the corpse

or the water ambush?

You know, you make fun of

this stuff, but trust me,

that is going to buy

us some serious time.

They're in

the machine room!

Machine room! Go!

Okay, I rounded

up this wrench,

and I already have

this bottle cap.

But be on the lookout

for one large brown egg.

Shut the f*** up,

MacGruber!

I am trying

to help here!

There are too many guys. I need

you to take two of these guns.

I told you,

I do not use guns.

Well, you better start,

because sticking a piece of

f***ing celery up your ass

ain't gonna hack it

this time.

I'm not going to use a gun! Why?

Because

I don't know how. Okay?

I don't f***ing

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