MacGruber Page #7

believe it.

They scare me.

Do you want

to save Vicki?

Okay, okay.

So what do I do?

You point it

and you shoot it.

Okay, okay.

Okay, here goes.

Oh! I got a barrel!

Aim for a person! Oh!

Good call, good call. Okay.

Oh! Oh! Oh! I got that

guy! Did you see that?

I think I actually got him,

but you're doing a great job.

Thank you. I'm going to

take those two guys out.

No, no, no! I want to

do it! I want to do it!

This is so awesome!

This is so much better than those

stupid f***ing gadgets I used to make.

We gotta make a run

for that door.

We're gonna go on

the count of three,

and whatever you do,

just keep shooting.

Okay, okay, okay.

Ready? We just keep shooting?

Yeah.

Okay!

One...

...two, three!

That was a close one.

Where are the guns?

Shh. Shh.

We got company.

Nice gun butt.

One of us should

probably finish him off.

You really want that

throat rip, don't you?

Well...

I mean, yeah, but I know

you're not into it, so...

Hey.

Go for the turkey.

Really?

Yeah.

Thank you.

No, thank you. For

trying to save my life.

Well, I owed you one.

Put her there,

Grubes.

That's it.

Vicki's in there.

I can feel it

in my balls.

Vicki!

Hi!

Game's over,

gentlemen.

Ah! MacGruber.

You're just in time.

You guys hungry? You want

a potsticker, a Molson?

We made a pretty

substantial Costco run.

Might not be able to get food

for a while, so we got enough

for, like, an entire

nuclear winter.

Constantine, would you be

a lamb and take these two

while I have a little fun

with MacGruber, here?

Kneel.

Kneel!

First of all, I'd like to thank you

for that upper decker you left me.

I can't wait

to kill you.

I want my mommy!

What, is MacGruber

gonna rip my throat out?

No, I want your throat

to stay right where it is

so I can hear you

scream bloody murder

when I cut off your dick

and shove it in your mouth.

Tonight!

That sounds like

a real fun Tuesday,

but I've already

got other plans.

Oh! See, in about four minutes,

I'm going to turn Washington

D.C. Into a pile of ash.

And then I've got a big

pile of money to count.

How do you make money killing

millions of innocent people?

Really? I thought

that was clear.

Uh... Someone

pays me to do it.

You see, I can't say who

'cause that would be gossiping.

It's the Chinese.

You make me sick.

How could you do this?

Oh, I'm not doing it. You are.

You're mad.

You're mad!

Incensed. Disillusioned by a government

you blame for the death of your wife.

Your trampy,

backstabbing wife.

You killed Casey.

You killed Casey!

Not according

to your manifesto.

What? What are

you talking about?

Your manifesto.

In here,

you blame the government

for the death of Casey,

and you're going to make

them pay dearly for it.

Cunth, you gotta believe

me, I didn't write that.

I'm being framed by somebody.

I don't know who it is,

but you gotta believe me! This

has been a big misunderstanding...

Oh, my God! It's me. I'm writing it.

I'm the one that's

framing you. Me.

You son of a b*tch! You'll

never get away with this.

Oh, God. Colonel Faith knows all

about this, and he is going to...

Colonel Faith?

He's dead.

What?

You're lying.

Am I?

Screw you, Cunth!

Is that an invitation?

Ew! No.

Okay, can we get on

with your deaths now?

But first, there's

something I've been wanting

to do for

a long time.

Anyone up for

a little trim?

No.

What are you doing?

I just want you to look

good in your coffin.

Don't f***ing do it,

Cunth! Don't do it!

Boys.

No!

Oh, look at me!

I'm MacGruber. Hey, I'm

gonna go pound some Cunth.

You wanna go?

F*** you, f*** you.

Hey!

What the f***?

Now, Vicki!

I didn't think

you used a gun.

I don't.

You punch

like a little girl.

Well, you're gonna walk

around like a little girl.

'Cause after I

disarm this nuke,

I'm gonna cut off

your dick and...

Shove it in my mouth.

You're like a broken record.

The only record

I'm gonna break

is the "amount of your own

dick in your mouth" record.

Launch commencing

in three minutes.

Three minutes,

MacGruber!

Let's move!

MacGruber!

All right.

Don't worry, gang.

I've been in this

situation before

and nothing bad

has ever happened.

Right, Vicki?

All right. Before we start, there's

something I need to say here.

Vicki, I have been

doing so much thinking

since we had

intercourse last night...

MacGruber, the bomb!

You're right,

you're right. Okay.

Piper, toss me

that copper wire.

You got it,

MacGruber.

Vicki, that

ball bearing.

Here you go,

MacGruber.

Piper, those pliers.

Coming at you,

Grubes!

Hurry up,

MacGruber!

We're running

out of time!

Vicki, make me the happiest

man on the face of the Earth.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Yes! I porked Casey's ghost last

night. We can talk about that later.

All right, we got a nuclear

warhead to... Holy sh*t!

What's wrong,

MacGruber?

What the f*** is this?

It's a warhead, MacGruber.

You can defuse it, right?

Are you kidding me?

Look at all this crap.

There's, like, a million wires in here.

I'm more like

a three-wire guy.

Look at this wire.

Where does this go?

What does that...

There's a green one.

There's, like,

a bunch of green.

Launch commencing

in two minutes.

Two minutes,

MacGruber!

Yeah, I heard it, Vicki!

Jesus, nag, nag, nag!

I'm really sorry,

sweetie. I'm so sorry.

MacGruber, can you

do this or not?

No. I cannot defuse

this missile.

Bravo, MacGruber!

I expected no less

from a washout like you.

Once again,

I win. You lose.

I didn't finish

my sentence, Dieter.

No, I cannot defuse your

missile. But I can do this.

Launch commencing

in one minute.

No!

A nuclear warhead's

not quite the same without

its thermonuclear core.

Damn it!

It doesn't matter.

There's still enough ammonium

nitrate left in that warhead

to blow up the White House

and Congress, combined.

Right again, Cunth.

Of course, it's going to be

awfully hard to fly it without

the guidance system.

Weak!

So I guess

you do win.

And your prize will be

getting blown to smithereens

in about how long,

Mrs. MacGruber?

Thirty-two seconds!

Well, we better scoot.

We do have a wedding to plan.

Let's move.

Launch commencing

in 20 seconds.

Toodle-loo.

MacGruber!

Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six,

five, four, three,

two, one, zero.

Classic MacGruber.

I love you both.

Theirs is a love

that knows no bounds.

A love that heals

in times of sickness.

A love that forgives

in times of anger.

A love that loves

in times of love.

Vicki wrote that.

Hmm.

It's beautiful, honey.

Thank you.

Now, is there anyone here with

just cause why these two souls

should not be joined

in holy matrimony?

You scared me!

Bye.

Then let's get to it.

Do you, Vicki

Gloria St. Elmo,

take MacGruber to be your

lawfully wedded husband?

I do

And do you, MacGruber,

take Vicki Gloria St. Elmo to

be your lawfully wedded wife?

No!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Are you all right?

I'm okay.

No, Vicki, don't.

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