Machete Kills
1
A new world enslaved.
This is a land
in need of a hero.
They call him
Machete. Machete.
Machete.
He knows the score.
We need a leader.
We need a revolution.
We need you, Machete.
He gets the space babes.
The people need us, Machete.
This is a new Network.
It's all galactic and sh*t.
He thinks he's God in Heaven.
So Heaven must fall.
And he kills the bad guys.
Starring Danny Trejo,
Michelle Rodriguez...
Eat photons, b*tches.
...Alexa Vega.
And Lady Gaga as
whoever she wants to be.
Leonardo DiCaprio as
the Man in the Silver Mask.
Actor subject to change
Machete Kills Again...
...In Space.
Rated X for cigarette use,
prolonged sexual content,
pervasive language
and space violence.
Where the f*** are they?
Hands up, a**holes!
ICE. You're under arrest!
Stay down!
Immigration?
The f*** is this?
What the f***
does it look like?
Get your ass on the ground.
Sweetheart, I'd lose whatever
strapdick you rode in on...
Don't call me sweetheart.
Move and I'll blow
your brains out.
You can't!
You don't have jurisdiction!
We're the goddamned military!
You're selling military
weapons to the cartel.
Did you really think
they were gonna pay you?
You're lucky we got here first.
Cartel.
Where's el cohete?
You fuckholes were
supposed to be waiting.
Save these two for me.
I know you.
You're Machete.
Enemy of the cartels.
It's my lucky day.
A man who kills a legend
becomes a legend himself.
Who are these guys?
All right, let's go.
No! He said "cohete."
These guys are pros. They didn't come
here for a couple of used M-16s.
Let's go, it's not worth it.
You're the one that
taught me that the law
and justice aren't
always the same thing.
We gotta stop 'em.
Oh, sh*t.
I wish you hadn't seen this.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law.
That is quite
the resume you got there, Taco.
I mean, one might consider you
to be a bit of an overachiever
when it comes to killing people.
mean motor scooter, don't you?
Especially now we
got 24 cartel boys
laid out in pieces
all over my desert.
Well, I got news for you, Taco.
They was the reserves.
They was the peons.
They're the red-headed mongoloid
runts of Los Cuerpos,
and Los Cuerpos
don't take kindly
to strangers
disciplining their own.
Can I get an amen
on that, Clebourne?
Amen, sir.
See, here's the bad
news for you, Taco.
I'm the only one who plays
And since you just killed
yourself a Federal officer,
I'm about to have me and mine
a hog-killing good time.
I didn't kill her.
Tomato, tomato.
Let's not get hung up
on the details, shall we?
Drop him, Clebourne.
Well, I'll be goddamned.
They say he doesn't die, sir.
Been shot, stabbed.
Doesn't ever die.
Bull-f***ing-sh*t.
This Pedro has just
got a thick neck is all.
Sheriff, it's for you.
It damn sure ain't the governor.
It's the President.
The President.
Yeah?
Of course, Mr. President.
Yes, sir.
This is Machete.
Machete.
Welcome to the White House.
Good thing we got
to you when we did.
Southern hospitality
can be a b*tch.
Why am I here?
Right to the point.
I like that.
No bullshit.
I'm a bit of a
no-bullshit guy myself.
So, all bullshit aside...
Get someone else.
We need you, Machete.
We got a situation
on our hands.
There's a revolutionary south of
the border named Marcos Mendez.
You heard of him?
He's crazy.
He's out of his mind.
He's got a missile
aimed at Washington.
He says he's gonna blow us up
if we don't invade Mexico,
clean up the cartels,
and stop the violence
they're spreading
across the land.
What's that got to do with me?
The basic violation of sovereignty
aside, we can't take the bait.
However, you know Mexico.
Hell, you are Mexico.
I want you to head back south,
find Mendez,
and just check him out.
But if what
he's saying is true,
kill him.
I'm not interested.
Motherf***er, I'm not asking
if you're interested.
I'm the President of the
United f***ing States, man.
Machete don't smoke.
I could just as easily
send you back to your pals
in Hang 'Em High, Arizona.
The way I see it, you ain't
got much to chew on, hombre.
You know what this is?
Your criminal record.
Do this for us
and, poof, it's gone.
Your past no longer exists.
In exchange for your services,
I'm making you legal.
You don't have
to sign anything,
raise your right hand,
none of that sh*t.
I just stamp this
bad motherf***er,
and you are now an official
citizen of the USA.
I just saved you from your noose.
Save me from mine.
Do it for your country,
your new country.
Isn't that what your dead
girlfriend would want?
Agent Sartana?
If you won't do this
for me, Machete,
do it for her.
Your contact is in San Antonio.
She'll brief you and get you
across the border wall.
Your nation owes you a debt
of gratitude, Machete.
Go kick some ass.
Ladies and gentlemen, El Rey
Network's very own Miss Texas Pageant
presents Miss San Antonio!
Thank you.
What do I believe?
I believe n the word "equality."
I believe in a woman's
right to choose.
Choose what?
A snow cone, if that's what
she's in the mood for.
I believe in good barbecue, the
two-step, and the right to carry a gun.
World peace?
Sure, why not?
But if we really wanna
we have to start by tearing down that
wall that separates us from Mexico.
That wall only enables
us to ignore
the violence and injustice
that is occurring down there,
thus making world peace nothing more
than a beauty pageant pipe dream.
God bless Texas.
Thank you.
You must be Machete.
Blanca Vasquez.
Codename, Miss San Antonio.
I'll be your handler for the
duration of your assignment.
You get into a stitch,
and I'll be in your ear
with the what's what,
the who's who and the
when's where of it all.
Try not to be distracted by the
cleavage and the hairspray.
It's part of my cover.
This gig keeps me
close to the border
and the designer duds
ain't bad, either.
F*** world peace.
The M4 carbine long-range.
It's got reflex sights, micro-polymer
grip, a customized trigger.
Fast enough to nip a
jackrabbit on roller skates.
That is, of course,
jackrabbit on roller skates.
Or, my personal favorite,
the grappler.
Fires up to 30 yards.
Good for when you gotta scratch
those hard to reach places.
I like this.
I like your style.
Low-tech.
But this ain't your
mama's cane cutter.
Consider this the Swiss
Army Knife of machetes.
Machete.
Tell me about Mendez.
Marcos Mendez
is the most sick and twisted
fuckity-fox I've ever
had to keep tabs on.
People down south call him
Marcos the Madman.
He used to run with Los Cuerpos
until one day he wakes up
and decides he's gonna turn on the
cartel, fight for the people.
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"Machete Kills" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 4 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/machete_kills_13094>.
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