Machete Kills

1

A new world enslaved.

This is a land

in need of a hero.

They call him

Machete. Machete.

Machete.

He knows the score.

We need a leader.

We need a revolution.

We need you, Machete.

He gets the space babes.

The people need us, Machete.

This is a new Network.

It's all galactic and sh*t.

He thinks he's God in Heaven.

So Heaven must fall.

And he kills the bad guys.

Starring Danny Trejo,

Michelle Rodriguez...

Eat photons, b*tches.

...Alexa Vega.

With Justin Bieber as Bleep.

And Lady Gaga as

whoever she wants to be.

With special guest star

Leonardo DiCaprio as

the Man in the Silver Mask.

Actor subject to change

Machete Kills Again...

...In Space.

Rated X for cigarette use,

prolonged sexual content,

pervasive language

and space violence.

Where the f*** are they?

Hands up, a**holes!

ICE. You're under arrest!

Stay down!

Immigration?

The f*** is this?

What the f***

does it look like?

Get your ass on the ground.

Sweetheart, I'd lose whatever

strapdick you rode in on...

Don't call me sweetheart.

Move and I'll blow

your brains out.

You can't!

You don't have jurisdiction!

We're the goddamned military!

You're selling military

weapons to the cartel.

Did you really think

they were gonna pay you?

You're lucky we got here first.

Cartel.

Where's el cohete?

It's about goddamn time!

You fuckholes were

supposed to be waiting.

Save these two for me.

I know you.

You're Machete.

Enemy of the cartels.

It's my lucky day.

A man who kills a legend

becomes a legend himself.

Who are these guys?

All right, let's go.

No! He said "cohete."

These guys are pros. They didn't come

here for a couple of used M-16s.

Let's go, it's not worth it.

You're the one that

taught me that the law

and justice aren't

always the same thing.

We gotta stop 'em.

Oh, sh*t.

I wish you hadn't seen this.

You have the right

to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be

used against you in a court of law.

That is quite

the resume you got there, Taco.

I mean, one might consider you

to be a bit of an overachiever

when it comes to killing people.

I bet you consider yourself a

mean motor scooter, don't you?

Especially now we

got 24 cartel boys

laid out in pieces

all over my desert.

Well, I got news for you, Taco.

They was the reserves.

They was the peons.

They're the red-headed mongoloid

runts of Los Cuerpos,

and Los Cuerpos

don't take kindly

to strangers

disciplining their own.

Can I get an amen

on that, Clebourne?

Amen, sir.

See, here's the bad

news for you, Taco.

I'm the only one who plays

vigilante around these parts.

And since you just killed

yourself a Federal officer,

I'm about to have me and mine

a hog-killing good time.

I didn't kill her.

Tomato, tomato.

Let's not get hung up

on the details, shall we?

Drop him, Clebourne.

Well, I'll be goddamned.

They say he doesn't die, sir.

Been shot, stabbed.

Doesn't ever die.

Bull-f***ing-sh*t.

This Pedro has just

got a thick neck is all.

Sheriff, it's for you.

It damn sure ain't the governor.

It's the President.

The President.

Yeah?

Of course, Mr. President.

Yes, sir.

This is Machete.

Machete.

Welcome to the White House.

Good thing we got

to you when we did.

Southern hospitality

can be a b*tch.

Why am I here?

Right to the point.

I like that.

No bullshit.

I'm a bit of a

no-bullshit guy myself.

So, all bullshit aside...

Get someone else.

We need you, Machete.

We got a situation

on our hands.

There's a revolutionary south of

the border named Marcos Mendez.

You heard of him?

He's crazy.

He's out of his mind.

He's got a missile

aimed at Washington.

He says he's gonna blow us up

if we don't invade Mexico,

clean up the cartels,

and stop the violence

they're spreading

across the land.

What's that got to do with me?

The basic violation of sovereignty

aside, we can't take the bait.

However, you know Mexico.

Hell, you are Mexico.

I want you to head back south,

find Mendez,

and just check him out.

But if what

he's saying is true,

kill him.

I'm not interested.

Motherf***er, I'm not asking

if you're interested.

I'm the President of the

United f***ing States, man.

Machete don't smoke.

I could just as easily

send you back to your pals

in Hang 'Em High, Arizona.

The way I see it, you ain't

got much to chew on, hombre.

You know what this is?

Your criminal record.

Do this for us

and, poof, it's gone.

Your past no longer exists.

In exchange for your services,

I'm making you legal.

You don't have

to sign anything,

raise your right hand,

none of that sh*t.

I just stamp this

bad motherf***er,

and you are now an official

citizen of the USA.

I just saved you from your noose.

Save me from mine.

Do it for your country,

your new country.

Isn't that what your dead

girlfriend would want?

Agent Sartana?

If you won't do this

for me, Machete,

do it for her.

Your contact is in San Antonio.

She'll brief you and get you

across the border wall.

Your nation owes you a debt

of gratitude, Machete.

Go kick some ass.

Ladies and gentlemen, El Rey

Network's very own Miss Texas Pageant

presents Miss San Antonio!

Thank you.

What do I believe?

I believe n the word "equality."

I believe in a woman's

right to choose.

Choose what?

A snow cone, if that's what

she's in the mood for.

I believe in good barbecue, the

two-step, and the right to carry a gun.

World peace?

Sure, why not?

But if we really wanna

talk about world peace,

we have to start by tearing down that

wall that separates us from Mexico.

That wall only enables

us to ignore

the violence and injustice

that is occurring down there,

thus making world peace nothing more

than a beauty pageant pipe dream.

God bless Texas.

Thank you.

You must be Machete.

Blanca Vasquez.

Codename, Miss San Antonio.

I'll be your handler for the

duration of your assignment.

You get into a stitch,

and I'll be in your ear

with the what's what,

the who's who and the

when's where of it all.

Try not to be distracted by the

cleavage and the hairspray.

It's part of my cover.

This gig keeps me

close to the border

and the designer duds

ain't bad, either.

What happened to world peace?

F*** world peace.

The M4 carbine long-range.

It's got reflex sights, micro-polymer

grip, a customized trigger.

Fast enough to nip a

jackrabbit on roller skates.

That is, of course,

you happen to come across a

jackrabbit on roller skates.

Or, my personal favorite,

the grappler.

Fires up to 30 yards.

Good for when you gotta scratch

those hard to reach places.

I like this.

I like your style.

Low-tech.

But this ain't your

mama's cane cutter.

Consider this the Swiss

Army Knife of machetes.

Machete.

Tell me about Mendez.

Marcos Mendez

is the most sick and twisted

fuckity-fox I've ever

had to keep tabs on.

People down south call him

Marcos the Madman.

He used to run with Los Cuerpos

until one day he wakes up

and decides he's gonna turn on the

cartel, fight for the people.

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