Mad Dog and Glory Page #2

ladies and gentlemen. Dig it.

Yo, Frankie!

Cosa nostra.

Our thing.

Our thing, my ass.

Cosa nostra is Italian...

for "cheap bastards."

The only thing cheaper

than a hood is a cop.

Cops. Forget about it.

They squeeze the nickel

till the buffalo shits.

Cosa nostra babies.

Other babies, they're born...

they cry, they go,

"Waaaa-waaaa."

Our kids, they cry,

they go...

"Wha?"

My friend Angie.

Angie's father was

on his deathbed.

He calls his sons

to him and says...

"Put a hundred in my coffin.

Each of you."

In case, you know,

you can take it with you.

The guy dies.

Angie's two brothers...

put in their yardage.

Angie...

drops in a check for 300

and takes out the cash.

That f***in' Angie.

When did Angie's father die?

There he is.

Hey, they takin' care

of you tonight?

Yeah, thanks.

Don't let 'em

schlong you on tips.

I told my therapist about you...

about what happened...

and she said that I was

a real suicidal a**hole...

and that, in fact,

I was probably very scared...

and was just resorting to macho bullshit

like I'm programmed to.

And that what you did...

was very brave

and compassionate...

and that I should both

apologize to you and thank you.

Hey, Frank...

isn't that Phil Donahue?

Put the magazine down

before you hurt yourself.

Okay, Harold?

So, are you married?

No.

Not personally, no.

Me neither.

Are you really connected?

I know guys.

Guys know me.

I put money on the street, people know

to pay me back on time as a rule.

They call me

"Frank The Money Store."

You hear of me?

No.

I suppose that's good.

Although my therapist says I crave

recognition more than accomplishment.

Maybe that's why I do stand-up.

What the hell?

I own the club.

What do you think of my act?

I heard two Buddy Hackett jokes,

a Pat Cooper, and a half a Lenny Bruce.

Another thing,

you know...

I was watching you

and it's all shooting out at people.

Sometimes you should aim in.

Make a joke at your own expense.

Otherwise it looks,

kind of like...

It comes off kind of hostile,

you know what I mean?

That's Phil f***in' Donahue.

All right, let the body heat

coming up through your hand...

warm up the cognac.

Give it a little swirl.

Take a little sniff.

Nice, right?

Okay, take a sip,

but hold it.

Don't gulp it.

Just let it leak

back down your throat.

- I know how to drink cognac.

- Okay.

Hello. Not now.

Cheers.

My wife?

She thinks f***ing and cooking

are two cities in China.

I thought you said

you weren't married.

Where'd you hear that?

I just made that up.

- Bullshit.

- Go ahead. Use it.

Don't ever,

ever f*** with me.

Don't ever lie to me...

disrespect me,

underestimate me.

If you do, your life

becomes a raging sea.

But come to me like a man...

come to me eyes open,

head up, hand out...

then I become more than a friend,

more than a shoulder.

I become the expediter

of your dreams.

That's beautiful.

Get the hell in the car, Wayne.

What if it rains?

I wish I was a handsome man.

What?

I wish I was brave.

I wish I was...

I wish I had real...

real guts.

You wish you were

a brave, handsome man?

No offense, but that sounds

a little immature.

Sh*t, I wish a lot of things,

but l...

You don't know.

Nobody... You don't know.

You don't always talk

to other guys like this, do you?

What'd I say?

- Nothin'.

- What'd I say?

Nothin'.

You're really good, man.

You know, I wish

I was a real photographer.

Not just like a...

I don't mean

police work or weddings.

- I mean...

- You mean like an artist.

You know, I get this feeling

me and you...

We both wanna be someplace else.

You know what I mean?

Not me.

Okay.

Not you.

This guy

looks like William Holden.

One time I went down to see

this group show with photographers...

and I hit it off

with this lady in the show.

I met all her friends

in the lofts and all.

Then I showed her my stuff...

and this guy says to me...

"What do you think

about being an artist?"

I said, "Yeah, sure,

but the only thing is...

there's no pension, no security,

no major medical."

Nobody laughed.

But as soon as I said that,

know what I thought?

I'm just a cop.

I'm like a real civil servant.

That's the way I think.

I think like a civil servant.

But these people...

They're artists.

They're special.

They take chances.

Chances.

You're a f***in' policeman.

What kind of chances

you think they're takin'?

That the goddamn sushi

might be tainted?

Naw, look, it's different.

Either you understand

what I'm saying, or you don't.

Hey, are you mad at me?

I'm on your side.

No, look.

Even she said it.

My stuff comes out of the job.

The job is the truth of it.

The all of it.

I don't create stuff.

I find stuff.

Anyway, she was

pretty nice about it.

A nice person.

I liked her.

She was nice.

She sounds like a b*tch.

Hey, Frank.

Bobby Gee.

Yeah, so I noticed.

He looks good.

If you know what I mean.

I'm gonna go home.

Wait a second.

My wife?

They should cross her...

with a Maclntosh PC.

Get a computer...

that never goes down.

This is good.

That's a nasty burn.

I'll have somebody

come over and take care of that.

It doesn't even hurt.

Hey, the shooter?

I know who he is.

The net's closing.

The net's closing?

I like that.

"The net's closing."

The expediter

of your dreams, pal.

No, not me, brother.

I'm flush.

You're flush?

The net's closing?

- Hi?

- Yeah.

Hi.

My name is Glory.

I'm the one who spilled the coffee

on you last night.

- Oh, yeah. The bartender.

- Yeah.

Frank told me to come by...

and take care of your hand.

Frank from last night?

He told you to do that?

Can l...

Your hand?

Thanks.

This is really stupid, I know.

Whatever.

Thanks.

Frank wanted me to stay.

Here.

Make sure it heals properly.

Change the bandage and all?

Whatever. I'll run down,

get more ointment.

Yeah, well, how long did...

Frank...

How long did Frank

imagine this would be?

A week.

Frank said a week.

Look, it's not what you think.

It's not a sex thing.

Jesus.

Just let me sit down.

Please?

How's the coffee?

It's so rich,

I can't believe it's instant.

How's your hand?

Great.

You know I'm a cop, right?

So I've been told.

Yeah, well, anyways...

I have to go to work now.

So, I'll stay here?

Well, this is my house, so...

I'm not gonna steal anything.

What's Frank's phone number?

Talk to me

before you talk to Frank, okay?

You saved his life.

He wants me

to be your friend for a week.

That's all. I swear.

I'm like a thank-you present.

I'm like...

a seven-day singing telegram.

Like those people that come to your door

in a gorilla suit with balloons.

Okay, okay.

Stop, stop, stop.

Look, I gotta get outta here.

I work straight through the night.

I come back 6:
00, 6:30 in the morning.

No problem.

- There's a TV.

- Great. Thanks.

Refrigerator's in the kitchen.

And outside is downstairs.

Yeah, if you have a key.

I'm really sorry about this.

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