Mad Families

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Oh, sh*t.

Is this the...

Is this the right site?

Yes, honey.

It's site 16, like always.

- Yo, Tommy, what's going on?

- Will you call me "Dad"?

- Franklin?

- Yeah?

- Are you sure you booked this for us?

- Absolutely.

I booked the last available site.

I got the permit right here.

Site 16, July 4th weekend.

Felipa.

I just think that there's been a

little bit of a mix-up, Papi, so...

Buenos tardes, amigos!

Word, b*tches.

- Who you calling a b*tch?

- I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Just trying to break up the

racial tension here, that's all.

- Might have hit b*tch a little hard.

- A little bit.

So what's going on? Pretty sure we

booked this site for the weekend.

- No, no. We're the Jones family.

- Yeah.

We booked site 16.

Well, now, we're the Jonas

family and this is our site.

- Son, we're site 16.

- No.

We're site 16.

You guys might be 116, but we're

definitely 16. It's here on the paper!

- Uno, dos, tres, quatro...

- Whoa, whoa!

That is level two, sweetheart,

that's nice. This is 16.

- I don't know how that is.

- We're 16.

Yeah, I know, but we're site 16.

- 16, man. Come on.

- Hold on. So...

Jones, Jonas, and our last name is

Jones, too. Well, there's the mix-up.

What y'all trying to say,

y'all our masters or something?

No, no, not saying...

I barely even own a cat.

- Site 16!

- Wait a minute!

2,000 and 3,000. But we're definitely

16. It says here on the paper.

Also site 16!

Okay, um, so,

it looks like the name "Jones"

kind of mixed up the computers.

And, uh, unfortunately,

that's a big problem,

because the park

is completely sold out.

I mean, this is, like,

our biggest weekend of the year.

Hey, maybe it's because

it's the 4th of July.

Um, yeah, well, you know,

we think that that's a factor.

Come on, you guys. Please, please,

please, let's not escalate this.

How about sharing the site?

Everyone stop!

Ron, you just gonna stand there and

let them push us around like that?

No, I won't let that happen.

Let me tell you something.

I'm gonna have Jesse Jackson

down here on a moped,

with Al Sharpton in the sidecar.

Okay? They love that type of sh*t.

- Ooh! It just escalated.

- Yeah.

That definitely escalated,

which was the exact opposite of

what he was hoping you would do.

Sir, if sharing the site

is the only option, then...

This weekend is important.

I say we all just share the site.

Uh, son,

are you out of your damn mind?

- Come on, Pop, there's kids here...

- We're not gonna share...

There's not...

There's not enough space!

Papi? Are we gonna

have to go home?

Okay. Okay, so... So...

Maybe we can share.

- Yes!

All right,

so we're all gonna share.

And it's gonna be great!

All right.

Little bit of a rough start,

but this weekend's gonna be great.

Yeah, I hope so.

It's the first time we've all been

together since you and I got married.

I just want your kids to like my

kids and my kids to like you.

There's no reason we can't be

one big, happy family.

- That speech sucked.

- Sucked balls.

Yeah, yeah, he's right.

It came off really whiny.

I can't believe

that we're brothers.

Hey, Gravy, why don't you take

these over to the campsite?

Oh, no, my hands are full.

I gotta go, I gotta...

Hey, Thomas,

did you unpack my turtle shells?

Yeah, here.

Can you call me "Dad"?

- Not right now.

Thanks, Tommy. Hey, guys,

check out my new turtle shells!

Give it time, honey.

Oh, do you think you can get Sharni

to stop calling me "Fake Mom"?

She doesn't call you

"Fake Mom."

Oh, you're doing that?

You're doing that?

- Yeah, no, no. I'll try.

- Thank you.

Man! Sharing this site

was a crap idea, Felipa.

We're doing this

for Papi's birthday.

Just try to hold it together

for him.

You think maybe we'll see Papi

smile for once in his damn life?

He works hard,

and he worries about us.

What, he can't worry and smile

at the same time?

Hey, I bet if your Papi ever did

smile, his face would creak.

Sound like a nail

being pulled from wood.

We'd probably hear his face go,

"Oilcan! Oilcan!"

Ha, ha, ha.

Maybe he would smile more

if you stopped goofing around

and went to work for Rolando.

As a plumber?

Uh, no, Felipa.

That's a living nightmare.

It's honest work.

Anyways, look,

it doesn't even matter.

I tell you, one day,

I'm gonna be a millionaire.

Oh! You gonna win the lottery?

Won't win if I don't scratch. Plus,

I'm gonna get my ass on "Shark Tank"

and make Mark Cuban

my new best friend.

Well, when you become

a millionaire,

maybe you could pay me back

the 75 bucks I loaned you.

You're gonna have to fill out all kinds

of paperwork and taxes and stuff.

Might not be worth it, bro,

so, probably not.

- Hey, did you leave the car open?

- I did.

Did you see Fake Mom

telling me how to unpack,

like she's the boss of me

or something?

Hey, babe, Sharni, you

shouldn't call her "Fake Mom."

I'm glad that Dad remarried.

He's much happier,

which keeps him off of my ass.

I think she's great for him.

Yeah, well, Fake Mom says

you drink too much, too.

Fake Mom can blow my balls.

She said that?

That's bullshit.

Is that a 24-hour

Popeye's Chicken?

Uh, no. That's a Porta Potty.

I love chickens.

More than you.

Ah, screw off.

Whoo! Y'all kids

keep it down over there

with your Pokemon Go

playing selves!

Girl, you so crazy.

Girl, I am so tired of running

around after the kids.

I need this vacation.

- It's beautiful here.

- It is, ain't it?

Honey, you gonna like

my brother Franklin.

All I got to say is,

is hold off on having kids

for as long as you can.

'Cause they will suck

the life out of you.

I mean, it's like sticking a vacuum

cleaner in a pumpkin, just...

- What'd you say, Mama?

- Just suck it all... Huh?

Baby, nothing. Mama loves you.

Go on. Go play.

Wait. Hold up.

Are you saying you invited me

as some kind of blind date

for Franklin?

Girl, no, no, no!

We enjoy your company.

- Oh, girl, 'cause I was about to...

- But it is a blind date.

- Hey, Jose, can you get those oranges?

- Are you kidding, Felipa?

Nothing can give the other

families the satisfaction

of watching a Mexican

carry a bag of oranges.

Like I'm selling them

on the side of the street.

Okay, are you serious?

God, you sound crazy.

Hey, excuse me! How much

do you want for those oranges?

- Ay, beat it, pendejo!

- Oh, crap. Angry.

Hey, Paco,

you got any roses over there?

Who asked you, Oprah?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll take that one.

Hey, what is that?

In your bag.

Yeah, that. What's...

Recycled. Glass sculpture.

My exhibit. It's next week.

- What? You have an exhibit?

- It's called...

"The Exhibit."

Oh, at least there's some chicas

calientes to stare at, huh?

Jose! What if Francesca

heard you say that?

She ain't here.

And we ain't married.

Besides,

just 'cause I'm on a diet

doesn't mean

I can't look at the menu.

You mean stare at the menu?

Tuck dollar bills

into that menu?

I mean, come on! Man, she's got

so much wiggle in her walk,

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