Mad Families Page #2

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she could butt-dial

a rotary phone.

I heard them talking.

I guess she came as a blind

date for that Franklin guy.

- Word?

- Word.

What? What'd you just say?

- Are you all right?

- No!

No, no, I'm not all right.

Listening to you two talk

would make anybody sick.

Men are idiots.

Blind date bullshit.

Don't let her call you that.

She's talking to you, too,

pendejo.

Is our sister

on her menopause or what?

Ah! The Jones family!

- Jones!

- Whoa!

Chilluns are everywhere.

Hey, I really hope you guys

like the park, man.

I don't know what happened

with this mix-up.

I know I booked

the last available site.

What changed your mind about

coming with us this year, huh, son?

What?

I love camping.

All this is me, Pops.

Come on, Franklin. Come on, bro.

That's bullshit, okay?

I hope you know this is not online camping.

It's actually the real thing.

And I hope you know this won't

be a online fist in your face.

It'll be the real thing.

You know something?

I'm tired of your sh*t.

Ron Ron, stop it.

You leave your brother alone.

Sorry, Daddy.

He's gotta dress correct.

He's a District Attorney now.

And he's working his way up.

He might be Mayor one day.

Ah, I don't know

about Mayor, Pop.

And, this weekend, we have

a fine young woman with us.

Shantaysia.

- Who's Shantaysia?

- Listen, son.

Beautiful woman like that on your

side, no telling how far you can go.

From DA to Mayor.

Commander-in-chief.

You smell that?

There's romance in the air.

Y'all smell these potties? Damn!

- I smell something.

But I didn't wanna say nothing,

'cause I kinda thought it was...

Sorry, Daddy.

Is that Justin Bieber?

Is that guy naked?

- You wish.

Is that dumpster on fire?

Oh, my gosh.

Is that Charles Bronson?

What's in the bottle?

Communion.

- So you're some creepy drunk priest?

I am not a priest.

Listen. Why don't you help Franklin...

- No!

Set some things up?

- I've gotta go till some soil.

- Pop!

Shantay... Sharon?

- Shantaysia.

- Damn, they still doing that?

That's f***ed up. Here.

"Shantaysia."

Come on, what the hell

kind of disease... Shantaysia.

Hey, bro, what are you doing?

You sleeping in your car?

Until Denali makes a tent.

Bro, you is not a real camper.

Huh? You can't fool me.

You might be able to fool Pops,

but you can't fool me, brother.

You're right.

I don't wanna fool you.

- Since I've known you...

- Ah, snake!

Snake! Snake on your shoulder!

Snake on your shoulder!

Is it invisible?

I don't see nothing!

Where is it?

- Ron Ron, I'm just...

Ron Ron, I'm just messing with you.

I'm just messing with you!

I'm just messing with you, dawg.

I just... I just... What?

I just, what, fooled you.

Get those flying bastards!

Chuckie, don't say "bastard."

- What about b*tch?

- Yeah, that's not...

- Ass Slurpee?

- No. That... No.

- Ass waffle!

- Not great.

- B*tch taco?

- Don't love it.

- Sh*t Slurpee?

- No.

- Crap-talker.

- I don't... No.

- Ass-butch?

- Don't... Not a fan.

- You love tit chicken. Tell me that.

- No, I don't love that.

- I kinda like that.

- I don't love the word "tit."

- Come on now. Dick dog?

- Definitely not "dick."

- Ass lick?

- No.

- Slurpee?

- No.

- Sh*t Slurpee!

- No.

- What else you got?

- Bastards!

You know what, bastard's fine.

- It's... It's passable.

- Yeah.

Hey, everybody, look!

I made Ocho into a turtle dog!

It's the fifth Ninja Turtle,

Taco Bello.

Ha, ha, ha, yeah. It's totally funny,

man. Now take it off.

- I can't.

- It's super-glued.

Is that Tejano?

Now this is what

I'm talking about.

Jazz on the stereo, cozy fire.

Dad, look, no offense,

but this old-ass music make me wanna

put a gun to my head and shoot it!

Give me a sec.

- I'm gonna go get a gun.

- Ha! Good one, Pop.

When?

- When?

- When?

When? When what?

- I don't even know.

- What?

No, no, no, no, no.

You said someday someone's gonna

have an intervention on you.

- I'm curious. When?

- She wasn't suppo... I mean, uh...

- What is she talking about?

- Wait, what?

I love that show, "Intervention."

- What is she talking about?

I'm camping with my son and my

daughter, we're having a good time.

The wieners...

- I don't even know where this is coming from.

- My brother's coherent, and...

- I love it here.

- This is fabulous.

- It's great.

Until I hear things

about interventions.

When might this intervention

be happening?

What is she talking about, dad?

Uh, son, uh...

When this wiener is done.

- When will it be done?

- Yeah, it will be done!

Well, let me just tell you

that interventions are not cool.

They sprung one

on a buddy of mine once

and I'm pretty sure he stabbed

a bunch of his mom's cats.

The vet probably had

a really good night that night,

wondering how all those cats

got stabbed.

One of these days,

I'm gonna be so rich,

I'll be able to rent

this whole damn park out.

Maybe then Papi will smile.

Oh, hey.

I just had my best

million-dollar idea yet.

It's a soft drink, but for dogs.

It's called "Pupsi."

- What?

- Pupsi!

- Pupsi?

Pepsi's not gonna let you

get away with that.

- What are they gonna do, sue me?

- Yeah. Out your ass.

That's a bad idea

called Pupsi

You fools have no vision.

Pupsi...

Who made y'all the DJ

of site 16?

Turn that sh*t down, okay?

We're trying to hear

old-ass jazz over here.

Look at they fire, huh?

We got this little fire right here.

This doesn't make any sense.

What does it matter if their

fire is bigger than our fire?

- It don't matter...

- Thank you.

If it ain't true.

Hey, are their fires

bigger than ours?

You know, we need a bigger fire.

Get that lighter fluid.

Want some of this?

Hey, what you doing?

What's wrong with y'all?

What the hell is wrong

with you men?

Y'all trying to burn my babies?

- Tell 'em, baby.

- Oh, my God!

What is wrong with you guys?

Yell at them.

Yell at them a little bit.

- What the hell?

- Felipe!

Cool off!

My babies in there sleeping, you

know you got that from Vietnam.

Why would you burn that sh*t?

- Hey!

- The fire's still burning.

They started it.

- Okay, come on, really?

We had it under control.

The ice was under control.

Baby...

Yeah, you can't fuel this fire!

What are you doing?

Go to bed!

Everybody go to bed.

- I was actually sleeping.

- Go to bed!

I was sleepy.

I was gonna go to bed.

I was thinking

it was time to go to bed.

This is bullshit!

Getting eaten alive!

Damn ants or mosquitoes

or whatever the hell you are.

Leave me alone!

There's gotta be

a 24-hour place in town.

Oh, my God.

What a fricking beginning.

What the hell was that?

Fricking pina...

Oh, my God, oh, my God,

oh, my God!

What did you do?

- You scared the crap outta me!

- Oh, my goodness.

Okay, okay,

this is not what it looks like.

- You killed them both?

- No, no, no, no, no!

This piece of sh*t dumbass

hybrid makes no noise, and...

All right. You gotta help me

get them to a vet.

You drive and I'll give them

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