Mad Families Page #3

---

mouth-to-mouth.

I mean, mouth-to-snout.

What the hell did

they do to Ocho?

Who would do such a thing?

- Them...

- Come on.

- Hey, man.

- Hey! What?

- What the heck did you do to our dog?

- Look!

Nobody do nothin' to your dog.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean do nothin'?

Oh, sh*t. Chaka!

- What did they do to you?

- What happened to my baby?

What did you'll try

to do to my baby?

Hey, man, we didn't touch

your dog. You busted ours.

- Yeah, we love dogs, man.

- Look at our dog.

It's...

If y'all didn't touch our dog

and we didn't touch your dog...

Wake up, white people.

Okay, all right, heh...

Just... Just hear me out.

I am so... sorry.

It was an accident.

I swear.

I just wanted some Benadryl.

- Crazy white man.

- What, man?

I have no idea.

Come on, man, what are you doing?

I want a freakin' refund or something.

They seem pretty worked up.

Yeah, if this turns

into a race war,

we'll be pulling out paperwork

for a decade.

You people...

This is the 4th of July.

This is the day we honor

how our great nation declared

its independence

from the king of England.

Do you happen to even know

how George Washington

celebrated his final victory

over the British at Yorktown?

That day great day, hmm?

He issued his troops,

a double ration of rum.

Here we are. We had...

fought this bitter war

against a tyrannical foe.

And, all we did to celebrate it,

is that we drank.

Four fingers of booze.

Instead of two.

That's about a martini

and a half.

In case you were wondering

what four fingers was.

Today... if a kid happens

to throw his poopy diaper

into the hamper, the parents,

they go ape-sh*t,

and they throw the kid a party,

and give him a PlayStation.

Gosh, he drinks like me.

I don't really see...

This issue between you people

as a problem.

I see it as an opportunity

to get away

from what the 4th of July

has become.

Which, let's face it, is just

a couple of days off work

for all the lazy people.

We have become a nation

of soft, puffy, p*ssy people.

And, we have forgotten

the sacrifice of those

who have come before us.

And, so, in my opinion,

whoever wants camping site 16...

you're gonna have to f***in'

fight for it.

Wait a minute, you're talking

about cannons, muskets and sh*t?

- You're crazy.

- Mm-hmm.

Hey, I am retiring in a week

and a half,

and I don't give a sh*t,

all right?

You don't have to use guns

and knives. Just...

Have a contest.

Have a contest.

Whatever family

wins the contest,

they get to kick the other two

families' asses outta the park.

How about that?

You get no cheese

with your wine around here.

So, if I were you, I would be

dedicated to gettin' it on.

Cause it's on.

This whole thing is a mess,

and we're sorry about it.

We were told to help out

with the contest, and...

It was the park's fault.

- Well, great.

Wow. It's really nice that

the pigs are being helpful.

- Pardon?

- Uh, no, nothing.

He just said that the cloud

up there looks like a pig.

No, I didn't. I said...

He, uh... He had a spider

on his zipper there.

Thanks!

Thanks, guys.

Hey, Gravy.

- He deserved that.

- Yeah, seriously.

So, we're doing

this contest thing?

Oh, yeah, we're doing this.

What's the matter, old man?

You scared?

Scared? No.

Just sad.

- Oh!

Sad for you

and all these other losers.

Kids.

We're marking off an area

for you to play in.

Do not leave this area

for any reason.

What if we get hit by lightning?

Try not to.

What if we see

an ice cream truck?

- Try not to.

- Dad?

How long do we have to

stay here?

Just while the adults are off,

doing adult things.

Yes, I'm getting

a new baby brother.

Uh...

Not those kind of adult things.

Okay, kids, have fun.

Hey, don't poke your eyes out.

Peace out.

Hi.

- I don't know what to say.

- Well, you can usually find

all the right words

in the courtroom.

I thought bringing our families

together up here, would be...

our chance to, you know,

break the news.

Wait...

You did this on purpose?

Yeah, kinda, a little bit.

I mean, it was easy

'cause our names are so similar.

Jones. Jonas.

I didn't expect

a white Jones family to show up.

Man, I screwed up everything.

It's my fault, I'm sorry.

- So, who is she?

- Who is who?

You know who I'm talking about.

Who, Fantasia?

I don't know that girl.

- Shantaysia, why is she here?

- I don't know her.

She's my dad's idea.

I don't... It's my first time

ever seeing her.

Stop. Come on.

You know I love you.

Stop.

Anyway, look, I have a plan.

I'll make sure we win the race.

And, then, I'll convince my dad

to let you... your family stay,

and we'll get rid of

the white family.

They'll kick rocks.

What if your family doesn't win?

Felipa...

Stop smoking crack.

We're black, we're gonna win.

Mexicans are pretty athletic,

too. What about like...

Big Papi.

- He's Dominican.

Oh, y'all gonna lose bad.

Y'all gonna lose so bad.

Hey, guys, I think I hear

an ice cream truck.

Wait, but,

we can't leave this area.

Well, screw that,

it's ice cream.

Look at these people.

They're like vultures.

They're standing around watching

us fight among ourselves.

Don't think they're just

out here having fun?

No.

This has gotten much bigger

than three mad-ass families.

- Bigger how?

- Oh, you think about it, bud.

International sports,

you root for your country.

School sports,

you root for your school.

These people are rooting

for their race.

- Oh, you don't know that.

- Okay. Truth or dare?

I'll answer a question,

if you answer a question.

- Okay.

- Truthfully.

- All right.

- All right.

Now, when you first

drove up here,

and you saw that

there were two families here.

Now, were you mad cause

there were two families here?

Or, were you mad cause

we weren't white?

Yeah, well, you know...

Truth be told

when I drove up here,

I was a little nervous.

But, that's because

I didn't know what to expect.

Well, I felt the same way.

And, that's textbook racism.

You can't say I'm racist just because

I didn't know what to expect.

I've had a lot of

great experiences with...

other races,

and some not so great.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I couldn't help but overhear.

You should know that...

our family isn't anything

like that at all.

In fact, I was a total wigger

back in high school.

I had my hair braided and everything.

You remember that?

Yeah, that was so cute.

What is a wigger?

It's just a term

for a kid that's...

trying to act tough

and sound cool.

Well, now, that's what it means.

But...

What is it an acronym for?

- An acronym?

Yeah, like the word smog.

It's a combination of the words

smoke and fog.

That's an acronym.

What are the words that wigger

is an acronym for?

Well, that's easy.

It's a... It's a combination of,

a mash up, if you will,

of the words...

white...

- White.

- And...

er...

Okay.

I mean, you know,

you guys get hit with...

- honky, hick, crackers...

- Hey!

- Peckerwood, redneck...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes