Mad Families Page #4

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- Hey!

- White bastards, white devils.

- Hey!

But, the "N" word, that cuts

straight through the clutter.

Yeah, well, once you say that,

it's pretty much game over.

You're right.

- Good going, son. Well done.

- Happy to help.

But, I still don't agree with

you these people round here

are rooting for their own races.

- Hey!

We got this, baby.

Black and white's going down

like a knocked-out zebra.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

- I hear it, I hear it.

- Ice cream.

Ice cream!

- Hey, sorry I'm late.

- Hey, Franklin. All right.

You know, I love that look...

That gleam of victory

in your eyes.

Yeah, we about to win, Pop.

And, we gonna kick a family

up outta here.

Oh, yes. That's right.

You know... Where's Shantaysia?

Shantaysia...

You know that old Franklin here

was a track star in high school.

Shantaysia, come on.

One time, I ate 37 eggs

in six minutes, come on.

I mean that's impossible, you know.

You proud of me, Daddy?

You gonna brag about that?

Proud of you, son. Not as proud

as I am of Franklin here.

- What?

- That was a joke.

- He's messing with you.

- Shitty joke.

What?

- I said Keko's titty is broke.

- Yeah, I thought you said that.

- Let's do this.

- Uh, you know what...

Y'all enjoy your pissing contest

but I'm outta here.

You wanna go?

- Yeah, I wanna go find Shantaysia.

- Keko!

- Felipa!

This is our contest pick

and it's called the Potty Carry.

That's right. One person

goes inside of each one

and the rest of us carry.

And, the winner is the one who

gets across that finish line first.

That finish line

is pretty far, man.

Dude, don't sweat it, man.

We totally got this.

Mexicans are gonna take

this hands down.

Hey, Papi.

Papi, we're about to start

the race, you gonna come cheer?

Does your dad ever smile?

- No.

- You mean, "Darth Valdez"?

Does he even know

what a smile is?

I bet you, he can't say

the word "Chuck E. Cheese."

Bet you his face makes him

stop at "Chuck."

He'd probably need a fake ID

just to buy a "Happy Meal."

- Wow. That's good.

- All right.

All right. That's pretty funny,

but, uh...

You know, he's still my dad,

so could you cut it out, please.

Well, you know, come on,

let's space these potties out,

and get the race started.

I mean, we're standing around...

Let me just drag this one.

Get outta the way, would ya?

So, I'll just take this one.

- Are you sure? These things are heavy.

Charlie, I've been a fireman

for years, you know.

I've rescued babies from windows

and fiery buildings, you know.

Come on, put this on my back.

- I guess.

- Come on, let's go.

This is... I can just...

I got this.

Charlie, get it off of me.

Get it off of me.

We got this. We got this, Dad.

Yeah, maybe we should slide it.

I don't like this.

I'm having a bad day.

I hate kids.

You ruined my life.

The main problem is

is getting this potty

over the ravine.

But, luckily,

Ron Ron got an idea.

What?

All we need to do is swing

this potty by using rope.

We need to put the rope

through a hitch,

on top of the potty and, then,

toss the rope on branches.

And, then, we swing the potty

over the ravine.

Come on.

- That's a good idea.

We gotta get some rope.

- Oh, Daddy, look at this.

I already got it.

Taken care of.

- Look at that.

- Crap.

Guess I'm smarter

than Franklin now, right?

No.

He's right, man.

Rope's gonna make it easier.

- Sharni, get a rope.

- Okay, got it.

- Dad.

- We're ready to go.

- We can't wait. Let's get started.

- Wait, wait.

- Wait, wait.

- Get on your marks,

get set, go!

- Wait, wait.

Oh, come on.

Uh-uh, keep dreamin'

Blondie, that rope is mine.

- No, I saw it first.

- Hello, open up.

We wanna borrow

your clothes line.

- This is kinda cute.

- Open up. We wanna borrow...

- your clothes line.

- Yeah, you know, keep knocking.

People love Mexicans

at their door.

Ha-ha, really funny,

"Blow White."

Hello.

We'll see how much you laugh

when the rope is mine.

Hey, what are you doing

up there?

- Getting this damn clothes line.

- Oh, sh*t.

I don't know.

- Come this way.

- What the hell was that?

Hey, where did everybody go?

Pop?

Ron Ron?

Did we win?

Come on, come on.

What happened?

- He has a TV antenna stuck in him.

Where?

- We need to take him to a hospital.

- All right, let's use my car.

Wait, we're gonna get him in that?

Here.

- What in the hell are you doing?

- Bactine. It stings like a b*tch, but...

No! No more,

you f***ing idiot.

Everybody, stop!

Do you get the NFL package?

We're not gonna

get him in that p*ssy car.

Let's get him in Franklin's car.

- I'm right here.

- Come on.

You got it. You got it.

- Put him inside.

- There you go.

Let's give him a push.

- All right.

- One, two...

- No...

three.

- That went horribly wrong.

- Yeah, hang tight.

Okay, okay. Let's go.

Come on. Vamanos.

So, are you doing

number one or number two?

- What? Go get an adult.

- You look like a pinata.

And you look the first

person's ass I'm gonna beat

if you don't go

and get an adult.

I didn't say you were one,

I said you looked like one.

Oh, I'mma beat you so bad

and you're not even my kid.

Woah, take it easy, perv.

I thought you kids were on lock down.

How did you get outta your area?

You didn't answer me.

Number one or number two?

Why you wanna know?

Chuckie, that's nasty.

Get an adult, I could die.

- No, no. - Okay, yeah.

Please, this is not a drill.

This is a "code red."

You know a "code red"...

Oh, y'all went to public school.

Y'all know nothing.

Oh, my God. I hate kids.

And, I hate camping.

- Hey guys, quick.

- Come say hi to Mom. Come on.

- Hey, Mom.

- Cheese.

Yo. Yep, I'm good.

Yo, I got lucky.

It was tough, but I'm good.

Hey...

Doctor said my love handles

are like a teenager's.

Yeah, don't worry about it. Just

gonna be here by myself, you know.

No family to talk to.

Something to think about, Mijo.

- Okay.

- Aunt Felipa, I can't move.

Yes, but you're safe.

Have fun.

- Mind if I sit?

- Sure.

- It's a pretty mantis.

- I'm gonna kill him.

You know,

the kids don't see race.

It's true. Seems they learn it

from the adults.

Kids can be a handful, man.

I used to think that

I wanted a bunch of them,

but after this weekend, I think

I'm just gonna get another cat.

Hey where is it?

- It's right there, it's just moving.

- Now, that's a...

- It's a praying...

It's just a gross bug.

Just put it down.

Oh, you know, I've actually

been meaning to tell you,

that I really like your hair.

Thanks, I do it myself.

- Really?

- I have my own salon.

That's super cool.

Didn't I hear Charlie saying

that he has his own salon, too.

Not a salon, a saloon.

I drove with him to

the vet the other night.

He had a dog under each arm,

giving them both mouth-to-mouth.

He's got a lot of heart.

Yeah, and dog breath,

sounds like.

Did any of the dogs get

a contact drunk?

Yeah, I think the dogs

were wondering

why I kept checking their IDs.

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