Mad Families Page #5

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You know, he's a good guy.

- Yeah, and cute too, right?

- Yeah, he is kinda cute.

- Yeah.

- Super cute. Like I would.

- I think I would, too.

Seriously, he's a bit of a charmer

and girls love bad boys.

I think he knows he has a problem.

I don't drink. I never have, but...

My dad was an alcoholic,

so, I know the signs.

- I really wanna kill it.

- Just kill it.

No, it's one of God's

creatures, don't kill it.

Right? Don't kill it.

So, how about you? Do you work

at the courthouse back in the city?

- Yeah, I'm a stenographer.

- Franklin works in the DA's office.

- Does he?

- Yeah.

Do you ever see him around there?

Uh... Now that you...

I think I have. Mm-hmm.

Not that often.

You know, I've been meaning

to tell you, I'm not here to...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Should I buy a tabby

or a Siamese cat?

Okay, cabrones. Our pick.

The eating contest.

- Yeah, but not food...

- Habaneros, baby.

Hot peppers, bro.

You gotta eat as many

as you can in three minutes.

And Habaneros...

Habaneros are the Devil's food.

Yup.

- They can't be that bad.

- Oh, you're about to find out.

Can I eat for the family?

Yeah, Gravy, you can eat

for the family for sure.

'Cause Habaneros are organic,

and I do non-pharmaceuticals

really well.

Yeah. Like, one time

I got lost in the desert.

I had to eat 67 mushrooms to survive.

- Caps and stems?

- The whole thing.

I hallucinated for 15 days.

- My diarrhea tasted like honey.

- Ugh!

That's beautiful, Gravy.

- That's your son-in-law?

- Yep. Uh...

- Your brother-in-law?

- Yes, my brother-in-law.

- That's your brother.

- In-law.

You said that like you might

have seen him naked or something.

- All right, fool, I got this.

- No, clown, I love Habaneros.

Who you calling a clown? I can eat

so many more Habaneros than you!

No.

- You, papi?

- What, he's...

- resurrected.

- It's like it's Easter or something.

I've been eating Habaneros for

65 years. I will win for the familia.

Mira. This is what

I have been whittling. Huh?

Ocho!

For cervezas.

Ocho is now

an official St. Bernardo.

- Papi made a joke.

- Yeah.

Habaneros are nothing to Mexicans.

We put hot sauce

on our hot sauce.

- He made another joke.

- That's awesome.

I'm ready. Let's do this.

All right, pendejos,

the timer is set.

Three, two, one, go!

There's something going

on in my f***ing mouth.

Do men... Do you think

men ever get like

a POV of themselves

and just go...

"We're really stupid"?

May the Devil use

your backbone as a trellis,

to pick apples in Hell.

To you, Mr. DiMaggio,

and to you, Dr. Freud.

If you don't know where you're going,

there are plenty of roads.

Okay. So, she's

not just crazy beautiful,

she's actually smart enough

to see right through me.

You need to look past

the train-wreck he is

and see the man that was crying when he

thought the doggies wouldn't make it.

Okay, that's a turnoff. May I just say

I'm not usually the crying type.

I thought it was sweet, you know,

you crying like a little sissy.

I cried, because when I was

giving them mouth to snout,

Ocho slipped me some tongue.

I- I-I-I-I can still taste the,

ugh, the lamb and carrots.

Okay, okay. Let's... Let's recap.

I know I come off like a...

Like a bit of a tough guy,

but I do cry when I see

that doggies are hurt,

and you're half naked...

I'm sorry about that.

Are you?

Oh, sh*t.

Don't move.

That's a coral snake.

You'll be totally safe if you

stand there, just like that,

back lit by the sun,

looking perfect.

Damn it! You moved!

Now you look awful.

You went from looking

like a goddess, to a...

To a favela in a bikini.

What are we gonna do?

If we meld as one,

it'll see us as a much

larger and greater threat,

and then slither

away sheepishly.

So, this is us... melding.

- Here we go.

- Whoa, whoa.

In chapter seven in one of the most

brilliant novels I've ever read,

the main character finds

a coral snake in a barn.

Roger tells her, "Red over yellow kills

a fellow. Red over black, venom lack."

So our little friend

over there isn't poisonous.

Wow. You read my novel?

Twice.

So I guess you know what a...

What a cliche I am.

Oh, a writer who drinks.

You forgot to mention "tortured."

And I left out

"scared and insecure."

Aha! Well, perhaps that

is why I drink.

But we never see you drink,

because we're always distracted by the

things you're pointing to, you know?

Justin Bieber, dumpster fires,

twenty-four hour Popeye's Chicken...

The really tall midget

enlightened trucker...

Silent bagpipes,

Pete Best, Blockbuster Video.

The cast of "Breakfast Club,"

and one of my favorites,

"That cloud looks

like a drag queen."

Let me see

if I got this straight.

You wrote one novel,

got lots of critical praise,

then you're finished?

What happened?

Wait a second.

Is that Charlie Jones

over there?

Behind that empty typewriter?

Frozen, hammered...

- Alone...

- No, it isn't.

I guess if my head was

filled with that kind of crap,

I'd probably drink, too.

But I don't.

So good luck with your travels.

Wait. What if I...

What if... I didn't drink?

I guess we'll never know.

But I do know you are

a brilliant writer.

I swear, that was not me peeing.

Last one to drop their

hand off the car wins.

Ocho.

Gracias.

Uncle Gravy saw some

bad boys right over there.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you gotta be real careful.

They got 10,000 eyes.

- Kind of like my ex-wife.

- Are you gonna do it?

It's been a long time.

I'm scared.

Do it. You won't. No balls.

No balls?

I got him! I got him!

I gotcha! You're gonna...

Ahem!

Oh, yeah.

I need one of your hairs.

You're ready for your little leash?

Que Paso, little flower? Yes?

Dad, what's sex?

Have fun with that one, Dad.

Listen up. He's got a lot

of good advice.

Yeah, Felipa.

Thank you very much.

- What's sex? Huh? Tell her, Dad.

- Let's hear it.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Um... Uh...

Sex is like, like... It's...

It's when you hug someone.

- Come on, brother, that's it?

- Hug real tight.

So, wait. So I've had

sex with my grandpa.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Okay. Well, I...

I guess you're old enough.

Sex is when Mommy and Daddy...

uh, hug.

And we don't have any clothes on.

Well, you better get

naked and start hugging,

'cause they said dinner

will be ready in two secs.

Yes! Yes!

Dinner will be ready in two secs!

He's my son and I love him, but...

You know,

you hate to see 'em struggle.

This thing that he's struggling with,

has this, uh...

Has this got anything to do

with why he's not married

and not settled down?

Yeah.

Well, hopefully he'll figure it out.

We got a guy coming up

that's gonna help with that.

Oh!

I get it.

- You do?

- Yeah. Hey, it's fine.

I mean, every family has got

someone who is... different.

I mean, and you're fine with it, right?

You've probably seen a lot of stuff.

I used to be a fireman.

Drinking got the best of me.

I couldn't control it, so...

they fired me.

Tried the Bible.

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