Mad Families Page #6

---

Jim Beam vs. John 3:10.

- That didn't work out.

- Jim Beam won?

Yeah. I went to AA.

Let go and let God...

I'm keeping

my side of the street clean.

You know, as a parent

I made mistakes, too.

I mean, I know it

really bothers Ron Ron,

the way I focus in

on Franklin's potential.

But Ron Ron...

He's... He's special.

Special.

You know, a couple of

old school guys like you and me...

gotta learn it's a new world

out there, man. New rules.

- Charlie's gonna be all right.

- Yeah.

And I mean, things... Things are a lot

easier nowadays for guys like him.

I'll be right back.

- It's like a little fly kite.

- He looks like a real goer.

Watch what I do next here.

Okay, big guy.

Time to go to work.

Going somewhere with all

those bells and smells on?

- Uh, I was just about to...

- I know where you're going.

- You do?

- Yep.

And I think you two

make a great pair.

- You do?

- Yes! I even like the ring of her name.

- Shantaysia.

- Fe...

Shan... Shantaysia? Oh.

- Yeah, yeah.

Now, look, I know what you're gonna

say. I know I push a little hard.

But it's because you got

so much promise,

and I just want you to deliver on it.

See, back in the day,

when I was coming up your age...

And the time...

I never would have dreamed I'd have a son

that's on the verge of running a city.

I just want to say to you, son...

I'm proud of you.

- Oh, Pop.

- Real proud.

- Oh, Pop. Thanks, man.

Whoo.

Now you go ahead on

for your walk.

And don't make her late.

No son of mine

is gonna take longer

than a woman to get ready.

Oh, come on, man.

You sound like an episode

of "Sanford and Son."

Ah! Romance is in the hizzouse.

Hey, hey.

- Hey, Shay-Shay.

- Hey. Have a nice walk.

Uh... Then where is he

going all dressed up?

- Who isn't here?

- Hey, Charlie, where are you?

Charlie?

Charlie and Franklin?

Oh, Lord.

Oh, hey. You're here.

How you doing?

- I'm good.

- Funny seeing you here.

- Not really.

- Uh, just...

Well, being that I'm here,

you're here,

I thought we could talk

about this whole...

- Fake Mom thing.

- What about it?

Maybe, well... Not that I thought

about it a lot, but I did...

jot down some alts,

as you kids like to say.

- I've never said that.

- You don't say "alts" for...

- You wrote all of that?

- Yeah, just a few, um...

Just a few alternatives

to "Fake Mom."

Not that I don't love it.

But I just thought, why not...

Trophy Mom? I could be

like a Trophy Mom, you know?

I always wanted...

- No. No.

No? Okay, not great.

Okay. How about, um...

Mom Again?

You know what I mean?

Like, when you call me,

you'll be like, "Mom Again!"

- No. Fake Mom.

- Okay. How about "This Mom"?

This Mom. This Mom.

You know what I mean?

- Who would say any of this?

- Probably nobody.

How about "Other Mom"?

"Cute Mom"?

- Cute? Cute Mom?

- "Mom Mom"?

Okay, "Mom Mom."

Mom Mom is cute.

- Right? You'll be like, "Mom Mom!"

- What am I, two years old?

'Cause it wouldn't be like

your first mom...

I have my real mom...

And then I have you.

- Right and I would never wanna...

- And you are my fake mom.

And you need to

stop trying to act...

Take the place of her.

Yeah, I would never.

- Well, you're trying to.

- No, I don't. I wouldn't...

I think this has been

a productive talk.

All right, well...

Um, do you want me to

button up your shirt?

No. Okay. It's supposed

to be like that. Okay. All right.

My family may not win this.

Which means my plans get flushed.

You've got to tell your dad.

We both do. I can't keep lying.

I don't know. My dad is crazy. It's

like he wants me to be Mayor someday,

- so it's... You know?

- Yeah.

And you can't do that with

a Mexican woman by your side.

What? I didn't say that.

I mean, why did you...

Look, Franklin... I'm glad that

you worry about your father.

I worry about my father, too.

They want so much for us, even though

sometimes it's misguided.

But I think that we've been

fooling ourselves

- hoping that this will work.

- What are you talking about?

We were going to lean

on each other, but maybe we can't.

And it's better that

we learned it now,

before we commit to something

that isn't gonna work.

Felipa, what are you saying?

Making it easier on both of us.

What?

Felipa, what are you doing?

Felipa.

F***! F***!

Ron Ron, I told you to knock that off.

You're gonna mess around and put

a hole in the back of your neck.

So you're just

telling me stuff, huh?

- You told me?

- Yeah, I told you.

- You told me?

- Yes.

- Okay.

- Oh, that's it, Ron Ron.

Wear those pants, brother.

That way it'll tell your wife

who's the boss, brother.

You know something?

Watch this. Ahem!

Keko, check this out.

I'm in this contest where

I keep my hand on this damn car,

so I can win it for the family.

I'm a little thirsty now.

I want you to go get me one

of those beers, open the top,

and put the beer on my lips

and pour it in my mouth.

- Now!

- Bullshit!

Do I look like somebody

who's gonna pop a beer,

put it on your lips and

pour it down your throat?

- Never mind, baby.

- Wow! What a beautiful thing.

I mean, look.

Every creed, race, and creed

just hanging loose. It's...

I wanna give a speech.

Uh...

So, you gonna make that

speech, hopper, or what?

Well, I gotta write

something down first.

- That man is out of his mind.

- He's a lunatic, man.

- What's up, guys?

- What's up, Charlie?

- You smell what I'm stepping in?

- You smell of something, brother.

- Yeah, the kids used to say that.

- What kids used to say that?

- I heard a couple of kids say it.

- Oh, hey Charlie, man.

I see your hybrid's got all the latest

gadgets, man, that's pretty cool.

It's like...

It's like "Star Trek."

What?

You got one of those special

force fields. What do they call it?

P*ssy Deflector.

- Charlie, where were you?

- I was in the lake, washing up.

Oh, yeah? Did you wash

behind your ears, fool?

Did you wash

behind your ears?

Wash behind the ears

Why don't you shut

The f*** up?

You know, Jose,

maybe you should try washing.

I mean, even your tent

has skid marks.

And don't be too stingy

with the Lever 2000.

Maybe you should call them and

see if they got a Lever 10000.

What are you talking about, man?

That's pheromones. The chicks dig that.

Jose does smell. You got that right.

Hey, pass me that bullhorn.

What?

Hey, y'all.

Jose BO smell so bad,

he need the Right

and the Left Guard.

You get it? 'Cause it's the Right

Guard, that's what it's called.

And he smells, so he

needs both sides of it,

- 'cause it's the left...

- Yeah, they got it.

They didn't like that one? Okay,

I got another one for you.

What is the flattest surface

that you could iron anything on?

A white girl's ass.

Hey! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Check out this

masterpiece of assery.

Oh, yeah.

Mind if I do a little tucking?

I don't know.

It looks pretty flat to me.

Although, wait a minute.

Maybe this is a bad angle.

You check it out.

We got a challenger on the

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes