Mad Families Page #7

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plane, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, my bad. I was wrong. You're right.

Okay, I'll concede the point.

Oh, I got one, I got one.

Right, uh...

Okay, y'all. What's nine

inches long and white? Huh?

Anybody? Anybody?

Not a damn thing!

Oh, really?

Really? I call bullshit.

Check out this masterpiece

of dickery.

All right, fine, fine, fine.

Give me that horn.

And now Charlie has taken the

bullhorn, ladies and gentlemen.

This competition is heating up.

Let's see what he's got.

Did you hear about the black and Mexican

guy that opened a restaurant together?

It's called "Nacho Mama."

Oh, hey, what happens when

a white guy with a boner

- walks into a wall?

- What?

He breaks his nose.

Franklin, he takes the bullhorn.

All right.

Why do white people love hockey?

- Why is that?

- Because if they can't be a cop,

that's the only chance they get

to beat something black.

Oh, in your face!

What do you call

a black man in a suit?

The defendant.

I got one, I got one, you

guys, wait for this. Ready?

Oh, ladies and gentleman,

looks like the pole dancer

wants to enter the competition. She's

teeing it up, let's see what she's got.

What do you call a black...

wait...

Ooh, and Daisy Duke's got nothing.

F*** this sh*t.

Well, there's

some good news and bad news.

While she had

the bullhorn, ratings spiked,

but the bad news

is everybody's IQ went down.

Okay, all right, all right.

I got one for you.

Hey! What do white women

make for dinner?

Reservations.

Oh, no, and ladies

and gentlemen,

the park rangers are getting

involved in the competition.

And either

this brother is color blind

or he is flat-out

helping the wrong family.

- You sure about that?

- They'll love it.

When a black

and a Mexican are in a car,

- who's driving?

- Who?

The cop.

Yeah, okay, brother, don't...

Check on out, okay, thank you.

Yeah, you can go on

and clock out. Thank you.

And now,

Franklin takes the bullhorn.

Let's see if he can pull

one out for his team.

All right, uh... why do

white folks have so many pets?

Why?

'Cause they can't

own people anymore.

Boom! Drop the bull horn.

That's right.

- Hey! Ya, ya, ya!

- Ya!

Hey, hey, hey!

What's going on, everybody?

My name is Johnny Jon-John.

I'll be running the intervention.

And it is for Charlie Jones,

is there a a Charlie Jones?

- No, no, not now.

An intervention for me?

No, no, no. You can go now.

We don't need you. We're fine.

I should have seen you a mile away.

Yes, sir, let's get right to it.

Anyone want to speak

up about this joker?

Okay. I'll go.

All right, uh...

this is an intervention.

10th one's free. Another joke we do.

I like to lighten the mood a little bit

when someone is heading into the grave.

Your family put together a list of

things you've done while... drunk.

- They put together a list?

- Yeah, that's...

that's how it works.

- Give us the short list.

Let's see, boo...

you burned down a farm,

with a barn and three cows?

- They were goats.

- Oh, they were goats.

Only goats, oh.

Well, that's cool.

He's a great guy.

For he's a jolly...

No, you're horrible. I'm kidding again.

Oh, it keeps going.

You got drunk at a carnival

and you shot a fireman?

- He was off duty.

And a bit shifty.

- Oh.

Okay, off duty and shifty.

- He was shifty.

Sounds to me

like you're enabling.

Oh, that's a pretty big word for

something that I'm... not really doing.

- You unbolted the Ferris wheel too?

- It's a wheel, so it could roam away.

To give it a head start

for the next town.

- Hello?

- Shaved a librarian's head?

She may have had lice.

All right, and you pushed your

cousin Bobby down some stairs.

He had lice, right.

He's got the RID and the comb.

All right, you did him a favor.

Did you shoot 72 bottle rockets

at your old high school?

Let's just say

that I enhanced its curb appeal.

And most of them were duds.

- Over 50%?

Holy sh*t, what am I doing here?

What a waste of my time.

This guy seems fine to me. You single?

Uh...

I am, but now

that you mention it,

I was... but a few hours ago,

I'm... now I'm not...

Not... no.

- Final answer?

- Final answer.

I wasn't even talking to you.

I was talking to her.

- Me? Holy God.

- Sounds like a no, um...

You know what?

This, this, this, whole event...

can, can, can "mange" my taint.

I don't need this,

this, this intervention.

Well, I f***ing don't need it either.

All right, I'm outy like five thouty.

Anybody need weed,

holler at your boy.

It's nice out here! I'm joking.

This place is fun

if I was the Zika virus.

Uber!

- What the hell was that all about?

- Look, son, we didn't mean to.

Sh*t.

Took my hand off the car.

Oh, yeah, so now it's

just me and Mr. Jonas.

Oh, no,

Papi's going to swat the fly.

Papi, Papi, Papi, wait!

- Dad.

- You let go of the door, Pops.

I won! I won! I won, I won!

We won! Oh, my Gosh!

Well, we won...

But it was kind of fun the way it

turned out. Why doesn't everybody stay?

I agree! Let's just everybody stay

and enjoy the weekend.

All right, we'll stay.

But you gotta be able to keep

a leash on your son Charlie.

- What!

- Wait, wait, wait...

What the hell did that just mean?

Madonna, some pendejo tried

to pin a mosq on my shirt...

With a blonde hair.

The whites cheated!

Hey, I mean, come on, now...

the whites cheated

and now Charlie

is after my son Franklin.

- What?

- What?

- Pop, what are you talking about?

- Come on, now, Franklin.

I mean, you should have

told me that you were gay.

I mean, is that why you...

don't want to run for Mayor?

Are you kidding... I'm not gay.

And if I was gay, I could get

way better than Charlie.

You think I'm after Franklin?

- And a drunk!

- Okay, okay...

you might have me

on the drunk thing but...

you're out of your mind.

Everybody knows that.

Franklin's in love with Felipa.

- What?

- What?

Oh, Charlie.

Even me, the huge drunk could

tell 14 seconds after I got here.

And you still don't see it?

- Felipa?

Es la verdad?

Papi, I've been meaning to tell you.

Yes, okay? Franklin and I

have been dating for over a year.

- What?

- What?

You need to keep your son

away from my daughter.

Aye, no, no. You ain't calling

no shots in my family, El Chapo.

- Oh, well, Pop, calm down.

- No! And you, I can't believe this, son.

You've been sneaking around

with her behind my back,

and lying and...

standing up Shantaysia

who is hot to trot.

Wow, hot to trot isn't accurate.

Okay, fine.

I came up here because

we all needed to get together.

I love Felipa. That is my girl.

That is why we are all here.

I don't know where the

white family came from,

but that's why

our families are here.

We planned it.

But you know what I hate?

- Camping is what I hate.

- I knew it, I f***ing knew it.

You are not perfect, brother.

You don't want to be a camper.

Franklin's not perfect

He is a dumbass

He f*** with Felipa

I f***ing knew it

And I thought he was gay too

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