Mad Families Page #8

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This camping can jump up my ass.

These "Jurassic Park" mosquitoes

can jump up my ass.

Sleeping in my car at night, waiting

for somebody to come and kill me...

Can jump up your ass.

- Exactly.

- All this can jump up my ass.

- Well, if you're going to act that way,

- why did we say we'd like to stay?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa...

- Let us stay?

- The whites cheated.

And we're going to win this

contest and kick you out.

Yeah, man, the hell

with all you guys.

Final contest.

Winner or go home.

- Let's get it on.

- Let's get it on.

Let's vamos.

- Let's do this.

- Huh.

- Go this way.

- It's game over,

tacos and Schlitz.

Hey, hey, gather around here,

I'm Peter Galkie, and I'm...

one of the original spectators, so I think

I'm probably most qualified to describe

what we're about

to witness here.

This obstacle course race

is two miles total,

give or take a mile or two.

And, uh, it's through the woods,

and then you gotta get past that lake

and then make it up

to that clearing way up there

'cause that's where

the finish line's at.

So, what do you say

we all just sit back here,

and let's enjoy the show.

Y'all ready for this? Let's do this!

Okay, everybody, here are the rules.

- Rules?

No rules! Ready set, go!

Hey! You got dirt on my shoes.

I want to stay.

Yeah, why do parents always

have to ruin everything?

I don't want to go.

- Me either.

Wait, I have an idea.

Rolie, you still have that map?

Does the bear sh*t in the woods?

- Yes, young man, it does.

- Ew!

- He's gross.

- He smokes too much weed.

One time he got so baked, he tried

to take his pants off over his head.

- What?

- It's an old Woody Allen joke.

Okay, so you see this ridge here.

It horseshoes around this mountain.

And if we cut across here,

then we're there.

The plan only works if we can

get to the finish line first.

- Think we can get there first?

- Hell, yeah, first is my middle name.

- It is?

- No, sweetie, it's Olivia.

All right, let's do this. On three...

One, two, three, break!

Let's go!

And the black Jones family...

is in the lead.

- You're killing it, Dad.

- Get your arms down there.

Get away from me!

Look, Pop,

I just want to say I'm sorry.

No talking, just winning.

I'm not sorry-sorry,

but I'm sorry.

- You can't keep up, can ya?

- Look, you're the one out of shape.

I'm not out of shape,

I could go for hours.

Hey. Wait...

Is that a snake?

- Where?

Right there.

Oh, sh*t, that ain't

no damn snake.

You know your scream

was kind of a...

hoo hoo, you know.

- You need to man up, you know.

- Man up on this!

I should have told my family.

Well, I don't know what happened.

We just... fell in love.

- Yeah.

- My dad's so furious.

Well, girl, your dad

be overreacting, if you ask me.

I mean, it's not a bad thing,

it's kind of a good thing.

I mean, I was in shock.

I was like, "What?"

I was clutching my purse like

I was watching "Days of Our Lives".

Did not see that coming!

But... it's a good thing.

- Yeah.

Y'all might make

some little Obamas,

or something,

little Baracks up in here.

Girl, all I can say is I think your

dad's acting like a big old kid.

Right. Surprise, surprise, all

the men are acting like children.

And speaking of children...

I cannot hear mine. It's like...

- Yeah, that is weird.

- They real quiet, like when I put

a little bit of Benadryl

in their Cap'n Crunch.

You know they get

real quiet then.

What? I wouldn't really drug

my babies, that's a joke.

Okay, okay, I was like...

Just a little bit, for a minute.

Kids!

- Chuckie!

- Rolie!

- Chuckie!

- They're not there. We should go.

- Let's go see.

- Let's try to parent.

Oh, my God!

Really? Seriously?

What?

You think they're going to shoot

dollar bills at you with a t-shirt gun?

No, this is a public service.

I do this for charity.

Not dollar bills. You drunk!

All right, nothing to see here.

Head down the trail, down the trail.

We've got a race to run.

Come on, sweetie.

Okay, I'm open.

Come on, let's go.

Come on!

- Wait for me.

And the bombs of war

will make you bleed

When the hugs of love

Are all you need

Hello, buddy!

You want to sing the chorus?

The hugs of love

Are all you need

The hugs of love

I'm gonna get you!

You slimy little bastard!

Do you see them yet?

Don't see them,

but I think I hear them.

Hold on! Hold on!

Wait, wait, wait, stop!

- What?

- Do you hear that?

- Hear what?

- What is that sound?

- Oh, sh*t!

Well, maybe it's a bear

or, or even worse, a monster!

Oh, damn, what's behind those bushes?

Oh, what beast

is coming towards us!

Who are you! What are you!

Show yourself!

Oh, sh*t, worse than I thought.

Just kidding, baby.

We're looking

for the kids, they ran off.

Is this some kind of joke,

'cause we're going to win?

Oh, really, I'm just curious,

on what planet might that be true?

I don't even know

how you got in the lead.

No, really, uh, uh...

Shan... Shantay... what?

- Shantaysia.

- Oh, Shantaysia.

- Can't get it right?

No, I thought it was Shantay...

Anyway, she...

said something about the kids...

and a finish line.

- Wow! Is that a bat?

- Really?

Oh, Charlie.

- Is that another bat?

- I thought you were going to quit.

No, no, no, wait, it that...

Is that three bats?

I guess we'll never know

what we could've been.

No, no, no, no booze, no bottle.

Five, five, five... five bats.

- Oh, my God. Seriously!

- No, no, no, I'm serious.

Bats!

We can't stop. They say

bats get stuck in your hair.

No, no, no. That's a myth.

Total urban legend.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Oh!

- What?

- There's a bat on your head!

Guys, guys, guys, come

on, I'm not a moron.

Clearly there's no bat on my head.

- How drunk are you?

- Irrelevant.

I promise you, son,

there's a bat in your hair.

Come on, Charlie!

You don't feel that?

Get it off! Get it off!

Throw rocks at it,

everybody, throw rocks at it.

- Enough with the damn rocks.

- Hit it with the bug racket!

Yeah!

Not my head, not my head!

- Look, the kids!

- The finish line!

Oh, hey, thanks everybody!

Yeah, I'm fine. It's all good.

There was nothing about that...

that I liked!

- You kids did this?

- Yeah! We don't want to go home.

Us kids get along, how come

you adults can't get along?

Well, wow.

This is some muddy bullshit.

But I'm damn impressed.

Yeah, but who's

going to get a whooping first?

Kids! Not bad. You dug a hole,

you filled it with mud and...

made it look like the trail.

And you caught yourselves

a bunch of dumbass men.

You know what's funny?

Everyone covered in mud like this,

you just can't tell anybody apart.

There's a lesson in that.

A big obvious, freaking lesson.

Preach!

So, being that you can't

tell anybody apart...

the bottom line is this...

are you an a**hole or not?

Uh-mmm.

- Choose wisely.

- So, let's not be a**holes.

And let's all just...

get along.

In the words of Rodney King, girl.

La raza!

- What does that mean, baby?

- Just a Latin bonding.

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