Madame

---

1

Dr Schwiman

was so right.

Isn't this romantic?

(GROANS)

This bike weigh's

as much as a dead cow.

Who designed

these bikes, Hitler?

My God!

They use these

in the Tour de France?

Well, everything is old here,

it's part of the charm.

BOB:
Mine's broken I think.

(RINGS BIKE BELL)

And I think it's going

to rain.

Why do you have to be

so pessimistic?

I'm not pessimistic.

I'm realistic.

Exact same thing for you.

Where are we?

What arrondissement is this?

Why don't you ride next to me

instead of behind me because

I may as well be

riding alone.

Suit yourself.

I'm tired anyway.

Suit yourself.

(ROCK'N'DOLLARS PLAYING)

Ole!

(SONG CONTINUES)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Is my husband here?

No, madam.

We were worrying

about you.

No, no harm done.

What about Jacques?

JACQUES:

Ready and waiting!

Brace yourself, pal.

Look at that. Madam,

I'm doubling my fee.

(LAUGHS)

JACQUES:
The security man

out there, didn't let me in.

Of course not. We have the

Lord Mayor of London coming.

Really? Sexy!

Can I say hello?

- Well, he's coming with his husband.

- Too bad.

Today's mail, madam.

And this came by messenger.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

I want some

chocolate milk.

And I'll have a double vodka

on the rocks.

KIDS:
Steven!

STEVEN:
How are you,

silly monkeys?

(KISSES) Sean.

How are you, Maria?

Mr. Stevens,

when did you get here?

Just this afternoon.

What's happening here? Is it

someone's birthday or something?

Nothing like that.

Just a small dinner

for twelve.

Ah...

STEVEN:
Thank you.

Come on Rose, you need

to eat something.

No.

Please Mr. Steven,

tell her.

What are you doing,

Rose,

starving yourself

like Mommy?

Skinny Mommy, yes!

Well, don't.

No one likes

a human toothpick.

I'm going to find our dad.

Listen to your big brother and

finish those potatoes, please.

Okay. Try that.

Aren't you

going to miss it?

Of course,

I'm going to miss it.

This was your grandfather's

greatest acquisition.

He'd cut

my balls off.

Why don't you sell

something else?

You still don't get. I'm hanging

by my fingernails here.

I need the money.

Anne's costing you

that much?

Sell her jewels.

You're not funny.

Do you want me to

lend you something?

Could you?

Fifty-thousand,

just for a few days,

until the sale goes through?

I'll call Mom.

Don't do that.

Don't give her

the satisfaction.

How is she, anyway?

Getting older and

heavier by the day.

Richer, too.

Middle East foggy London.

She voted Brexit.

Makes sense.

When you were born she was

nuts about Margaret Thatcher.

She said I had to

vote for Reagan.

Did you?

No.

We were in Athens.

Our last horrible year.

(CHUCKLES)

How's the writing going?

Yeah, my publisher's

coming to Paris.

I've got nothing

to show him.

He knows it.

So, why is he coming?

When he writes off

the Eurostar trip,

I'm one of his best assets.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(HELENE SPEAKING FRENCH)

UBER DRIVER:

Go on, sir, take one.

In my country,

we call it mektoub.

Your future.

Tonight you will meet

someone special.

It's not very original.

No? And what if

that someone special

is a mysterious,

beautiful lady.

Zip me up.

I'd rather undress you.

Well,

you had your chance.

Ten, eleven, twelve.

Thirteen?

(MARIA SPEAKING SPANISH)

Exactly.

Who did this?

- I did.

- (SIGHS)

- Hello, Anne.

- Hmm.

Welcome to Paris,

Steven,

please make yourself

at home.

Yes and invite yourself

to dinner.

No, Bob invited me.

He didn't say a word.

Typical.

Well, I am not having thirteen at my table.

It is bad luck.

And what's worse,

it's me.

Sorry about that, Anne, but my

father is really excited to see me.

Especially now as it happens.

(ANNE SIGHS)

Oh my God. Get rid of those.

STEVEN:
Anne,

be proud of them.

How about I kill you?

Head down.

Rotate for a single axis.

See. I remember every word.

Admit it. I'm a fast learner.

And so is my father.

Add another place setting.

There's one more chair

in the corner. And hurry.

You look beautiful, Anne.

MARIA:
This one's fine.

Hey stop. All of you.

Turn around. Look at me.

I need another woman.

Madam? No.

There's no other

solution.

Madam,

I am the maid.

Maid's don't have dinner

with the bosses.

Oh, nonsense.

You're part of this family.

I have

a terrible accent.

Your accent is charming.

But what will I say?

Well, it's not about talking.

It's about sitting.

You know how to sit,

don't you?

Now come, we have

no time to argue.

(ANNE SIGHS)

ANNE:
Okay. Okay.

Okay. Come on.

Which? No, no.

Oh my God.

Here. See if

this one fits.

We're not the

same size, madam.

What about Mandy?

Mandy can do this.

Maria, be serious.

Mandy is a Filipino.

Nobody invites a Filipino

to a dinner party.

Maybe Aung San Suu Kyi because

she won a Nobel peace Prize.

And she's from Burma,

that's different.

Mandy, she speaks terrible

English and terrible French.

I'm not even sure she

knows how to speak Filipino.

No, no. We will be

found out in a second!

Found out?

Yes. We're not going to

tell them you're the maid.

So what are we

going to say, madam?

Nothing.

Just act like a friend.

I think I'm going to faint, madam.

I'm unable to lie.

No, no, it's okay.

All women can lie.

It's all about smiling.

- Like this?

- Mmm.

And Josiane?

What about Josiane?

She just started here.

I don't know her.

Josiane is very funny,

madam.

She know how to

make jokes.

She even imitates Sarkozy.

She could be

the perfect guest.

Josiane is at least a 12.

You're pear-shaped

but you're not fat.

Okay, so we'll go with

the pants you have on.

It's not a good idea.

Yes. Yes.

It is a good idea.

Come on, Maria.

Come on.

We'll look back on this

and laugh one day.

It's going to be like that time

in the chalet when Rose was two

and you dressed up

like Santa.

Remember that?

With the beard.

Jacques!

Okay, there you are.

Know listen, make it not

to big and not too showy.

Just make it quick.

What about her shoes?

What size are you?

I'm an eight, madam.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- Oh, my God.

Just hide them.

No rich woman

wears an eight.

Louboutin doesn't even

make an eight. Stay.

Toby! Welcome to Paris.

Glad they didn't

stop you at the border.

Well, as Lord Mayor

I'm issuing visas for London.

You say the word,

Bob, I'll give you one.

London?

Where is that anyhow?

Little England.

Former Empire.

- I remember now. (SINGS) Rue Bretagna.

- That's the one.

You must be Michael.

Bob Fredericks.

Pleased to meet you.

- Nice little place you've have here.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

Family pied de terre.

Small but cozy.

ANNE:
Hi, Toby!

Fabulous.

Hello, Michael.

My dears!

I'm sorry about

the security detail.

It's Toby's favorite

style statement.

Did you bring

your food taster?

What if we're serving

poison tonight? (CHUCKLES)

I have no news, Bob.

But calm down,

it's okay. It's okay.

Just give them another week.

It'll be fine.

- ANNE:
Antoine! Helene! Bonsoir.

- ANTOINE:
Bonsoir.

So nice to

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