Madame Page #2

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see you again.

This place is so amazing.

HELENE:
Only you Americans

can come to this...

Ah! Steven!

I read your book.

Really?

It's so very funny. Your

father's making hole-in-one.

Anne taking all the credit.

Firing all the sexy girls.

Nothing changed. They're

still Punch and Judy.

Congratulations on the

re-election, by the way.

Yes, thank you.

Keep going, you'll be

England's first family.

Well, don't you

write about us.

Don't want the entire world knowing

about our every little secret.

Don't worry. I couldn't be more blocked

if I'd eaten a pound of cement.

Put me somewhere nice.

I have.

In the corner.

Look at that.

Homemade.

(CHUCKLES) Lovely.

The trick is to pretend you're

carrying a Chinese vase on your head.

KIDS:
Steven!

You walk tall and slow.

And you shine, Maria.

You shine.

This is not going to work.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

STEVEN:
You know baby,

it's cold outside so

I think you're going to

need an extra layer.

Mr. Steven, it's summertime.

Exactly.

It's party time.

DAVID:
Antoine, you still haven't told

me how you want to deal the press.

It's not every day

a Caravaggio changes hands.

There's

no rush, is there?

Of course not. We both have to

be satisfied with the results.

The X-ray team were asking for

another ten thousand euros.

They're sending their best

people over from New York.

Bob, let me split

the fee with you.

Absolutely not.

I wouldn't hear of it.

Just give me an invitation

once it's on your wall.

I won't keep it

at home.

It will have a pride

of place at my museum.

Once we know

it's real.

Maria?

What is this nonsense?

MARIA:
It's not

going to work, madam.

Your friends, the Bernards. They have been

here before, they would have seen her.

They haven't seen her.

Nobody looks at a maid.

Now come on out here,

Maria, right this minute.

They will recognize me, madam.

Well, if they find

your face familiar,

they'll just think they

saw you at a fashion show.

Madam, you know

it's a sin to lie?

You're not lying,

you're not hurting anybody.

It's like a part in

our own little play.

It's fun. It's like

being in a movie.

Except you're changing your life

from ABC to HBO, you get it?

Not really.

(GROANS) I'll make it

simple, avoid them.

You're at the far end

of the table anyway.

What about Jacques? Jacques would

make a perfect guest, madam.

Steven, you have

a dress I can wear?

No, no, no.

Forget it. Okay.

This is Bob's fault and

I want him to suffer.

Now, Maria let me

look at you.

Oh my God.

She's not even dressed.

Will you get her pulled together, please.

And listen to me.

Don't speak to much.

Don't smile too much

and don't eat too much.

Yes, madam.

Don't drink too much either.

Nobody likes that. Trust me.

How do I rate amongst

your students?

You're definitely not

the most disciplined one.

You're the most studious.

You're the most studious one.

- The most studious one?

- Yes.

I wish I could think of something

to say now in French but

now I'm baffled.

You're always baffled.

Anne! Not always.

You remember

my French teacher?

Ah! Yes, Melanie.

Fanny. I'm Fanny.

Of course.

How silly of me.

Don't worry about it. I'll

answer to almost anything.

Ah. (SIGHS)

Don't speak to much.

Don't eat too much.

Don't smile to much.

(MUTTERING IN FRENCH)

Who is that?

What's her name.

Who is she really?

What are you

talking about?

She'll claim she's Maria

Escalante but the truth is she's

Maria Immaculata

of the Two Sicilies.

You're not serious?

Countess of Asturias,

the House of Bourbon,

second cousin of

Juan Carlos.

She'll deny it.

And I never told you.

Are you a fan

of Caravaggio?

(STAMMERS)

I love the holy family.

Oh. Good for you.

I keep a portrait of the

baby Jesus by my bed.

Oh, by whom? I'm a big

fan of the masters.

Let me guess.

- El Greco.

- No.

- Goya.

- No.

No, I've got it.

Dali.

I'm right, yes?

The artist doesn't

matter so much.

It's the expression

on the baby's face.

Yes. We musn't

take that for granted.

And the holy mother.

How she loves him.

Madame, (SPEAKS FRENCH)

The dinner is served.

So, tonight's a sort of

last supper in a way.

This maybe the last time

you see this painting.

I'm brokering this sale

to Antoine Bernard.

Oh, Monsieur Antoine.

He's a friend

of the family.

Ah, excellent.

Let me introduce myself.

I am David Morgan.

I live in London.

I am Maria.

No second name?

No, no. Not tonight.

I'm a friend of madam.

A friend of a friend.

HBO, not ABC.

Oh, thank you.

Bon Appetit.

BOB:
Bon Appetit, darling.

JANE:
So being married to the

mayor of London makes you what?

Everybody's asking.

Just another

queen I guess.

Wow. That's great.

You should carry a purse.

And what do you do

for a living?

I'm a hairdresser.

Oh great.

No, I'm joking.

I used to be.

Then I thought I can't

be gay and a hairdresser.

- Too much of a clich. So I changed everthing.

- Oh. And you became?

- Butcher.

- Oh.

I'm joking.

He's a shrink...

He let you

run for office?

I know.

Malpractice.

I'll say.

So, France, Paris.

Why did you come here?

This house

for one thing.

- And my grandfather was French.

- Oh.

And to keep a woman, at some point

you have to satisfy their neurosis.

They are all satisfied

analyst in New York.

She talks about him?

Oh, not of everyone.

I think the good doctor Schwiman

can teach Michael a thing or two.

- About billing, no question.

- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Did you rehearse?

Or do you always

speak this fast?

Yes. In such a brilliant

and sarcastic way.

- Years of training, my dear.

- Oh.

It's harder to lie when

you speak faster.

I guess that's why my

husband speaks so slowly.

The Eiffel Tower has a sexual symbol

supposed to save your marriage.

I will ask him.

Do you really think

that love can last?

I mean,

you're so smart.

Could you still be

one of those?

You have to let go.

Well, flowers freeze

and blossom again.

(SMIRKS)

Don't be so cynical.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh. And what do

you suggest?

Adultery, darling.

You're just taking the problem

with you wherever you go.

Make a best friend of your husband

and have lunch with me tomorrow.

Oh. You're evil.

No, I'm French.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, oh!

Go. Go.

Let me help.

It's only water.

I like to pour water on

myself so women can help me.

Looks like fun.

BOB:
It's generic.

When women sees a stain,

she must come and rub.

You're funny. I mean,

for an American, obviously.

Wow. Every guy from Cambridge

knows how to judge funny.

All the English men I know think

they're funny but they never laugh.

(GRUNTS LOUDLY)

I hate them.

So do I.

What do you think, Maria?

I don't like

English people.

But I do like Hugh Grant.

You know Hugh Grant?

In Bridget Jones.

He's also the one dancing

in Love Actually.

Like this. (SINGS) I take

it down I take it down

You're more more more

Jump, Jumping

You know Hugh Grant?

The beautiful one.

He also had an

affair with...

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

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