Madame Page #3

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The prostitute.

Well, Of course we all

know who Hugh Grant is.

ANNE:
You were just saying

about knowing who laugh...

You look like him.

Like Hugh Grant.

(COUGHS)

We all look the same from the

same part of the world. You know.

Same face. Same blue eyes.

Same same funny teeth.

That's beautiful.

Very beautiful.

But I don't like the stupid

films he is in though.

Always happy endings

and kisses in the rain.

You should not

despise people.

People love

happy endings, you know.

They can't fight it.

The hero runs.

He kisses her in the rain.

People love that.

Well...

Would you ever consider

running for prime minister?

I thought supreme leader.

Would you ever

run for president?

If you were

my first lady.

Are you in politics?

No. I'm a musician.

A classical pianist

to be precise.

Great.

How old are you?

Nine and a half.

And you?

Thirty two and a half.

Is that your father

sitting next to you?

Oh no. That's Fedore.

The Master.

Oh.

Well. I hope

you enjoy dinner.

I'm so glad

you could come.

Does he speak English?

Oh, no.

He never speaks.

JANE:
Yeah. So there's

our Franck and Robin.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Just like their mother.

Oh, thank you.

You know, it is so hard to keep being

sexy when you're a single mom.

It's a constant battle.

I went to this great seminar about

fighting for yourself last month,

Justin Tender.

Do you know him?

It was in London. Oh, my God.

He is so spiritual.

Amazing. Anyway...

He says that it all

starts with food.

He also recommends

that you drink less.

What? Water?

(LAUGHS)

JANE:
Anne told me

you were funny.

You know, she's been wanting

us to meet for a long time.

DAVID:
Yes. She's

a force of nature, Anne.

Talk to me. This

woman's a nightmare.

How do you know

she's not my friend?

Well, if

that's the truth

I'm going to fake

a heart attack

and get dragged out

of here by my ankles.

Say something to me.

Talk to me.

Tell me a joke

or something.

She's all over me

like a bad suit.

I don't know any joke.

Well,

make something up.

You're putting a lot of

pressure on me.

DAVID:
Where's that

charming accent from?

I'm a Spanish.

I was born in Majorca.

Asturias. I thought

it was Asturias.

My ancestors were

from Asturias.

See, I'm Celtic like you.

Where is your family from?

Oh, well my family is from a

very lovely county called Downe.

My father owns

most of it. You know.

He always wants me

to get my art hobby

out of my system and come back

and run the family estate.

You came here to

escape your father.

Well, I came to London

to be an artist.

But I wind up

being a consultant.

So I spend my life

now flying between

hotels and New York

and Paris and London.

To be fair I don't know

where my real home is.

Probably because

it's still in Dine.

- Dine? Downe.

- Dan.

- Downe.

- Dine. Downe.

Dine. Downe.

Up down.

Maria? Sorry, David. I'm

stealing her for a minute.

Don't drink too much.

No, sir.

Madam told me

what to do.

And what not to do.

What's with

this silly idea.

You must be dying here.

It's like me sitting in

a plumber meeting.

I was supposed to

sit close to madam.

But I think somebody

mixed up the place cards.

This scary fashion lady

must be here.

Don't talk like a maid.

Just yes or no

at the end.

Be really impossible.

Unpleasant.

- Yes, sir.

- DAVID:
Hey, Bob!

Maria's got some great jokes.

I bet you didn't know that?

No. I did.

Yes. She was just

about to tell me one.

Madam Bernard, would you like

to hear one of Maria's jokes?

HELENE:

Yes. Of course.

Don't force her.

She's embarrassed.

And very shy.

I'm very unpleasant.

DAVID:
Oh, come on.

You're very funny.

We're all friends here.

Who'd like to hear a joke.

- Oh, no.

- DAVID:
Come on love.

Everyone's funny with

a Spanish accent.

The only joke I know

is very vulgar.

My uncle, Pedro, used to

tell it when he was drunk.

I don't think

it's appropriated.

Oh, no, don't bother.

Don't force yourself.

Come on. Live a little.

Tell us a joke.

Okay. You want it.

You have it.

A family's at

the dinner table.

The son asks the father, "Dad, how

many kinds of b*obs are there?"

The father surprised,

answer.

"Well my son, a woman

goes through three phases:

"In her twenties, a woman's

breast are like melons.

"Round and firm.

"In her thirties and forties

they are like pears.

"Still nice but

hanging a bit.

"In her fifties,

they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yes. You see them

and they make you cry."

(EVERYONE LAUGHS)

HELENE:
Hilarious.

Wait. I didn't finish yet

because I'm translating

straight from the Spanish

in my head.

This one's amusing. She just

like Google translator.

The daughter asks

the mother:

"Mom, how many kinds of

willies are there?"

The mother answers.

"Well my dear, a man goes

through three phases too..."

Love the voice of

the wife. Keep going.

"In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree.

Mighty and hard.

"In his 30s and 40s, it's like a

birch tree, flexible but reliable.

"After 50, it's like

a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree, Mommy?"

"Yes.

"Dead from the root up and the

balls are just for decoration."

(EVERYONE LAUGHS)

JANE:
That's a rude joke.

It's not even funny.

I have a better one about (SPEAKING

SPANISH) Do you want to hear it?

No, that will be fine.

Thank you.

ANNE:
I think that's plenty.

Thank you. You're so...

She's so funny.

STEVEN:
I can understand now why my dad

is making so much progress in french.

Bet he took one look at you and said

I want to learn French immediately.

No.

His wife forced him

to learn

la langue de Moliere.

Thank you for this.

It's become my

instant favorite.

So you're the revenge.

I don't get it.

STEVEN:
She used to

be his golf teacher.

So, what do I need to wear

to look more Parisian?

MARINETTE:
Women are

always asking me that.

ANTOINE:
(SPEAKS FRENCH)

No one can buy that.

That's why I'm asking

for your advice.

ANNE:
Oh, I love what you

did with the issue by the way.

HELENE:

Oh, I try my best.

MICHAEL:
As my grandmother always say,

tell the truth it's easy to remember.

You know, in therapy I hear so

many lies, contradictions...

But even your lies say

something about you...

STEVEN:
Um, yeah.

I'm going to marry you.

And what makes you

think I'd say yes.

Are all women

mad about you?

The night is young.

So sorry for

ignoring you buddy

but this girl next to me

is really sexy.

It's okay.

I'm used to

not talking.

You know,

with Fedor.

Go and get her.

Cheers, buddy.

High five.

I'm not insured

for high fives.

No?

Are you allowed

to touch b*obs?

I guess so but I've never

had the opportunity.

I hope I'm not

being to forward.

I'd just like to say,

you look absolutely

beautiful tonight.

Thank you.

How long have you

been in Paris?

How long have you been

sleeping with my dad?

Are you crazy?

I'm just his teacher.

Look at you.

Your dad.

Makes you sound

so childish.

STEVEN:

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