Magic Mike

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

DALLAS:

Let's f***ing get it on right now. Let's go.

Come on. Come on.

Here. Here.

Now, l want to go over a few rules

with y'all tonight.

Ain't that all right?

Don't worry about it. Rule number one.

This is the

"What can you touch and not touch" rules.

Can you touch this?

No, no, no.

Second touch.

Can you touch this?

No, no, no.

And finally....

[WOMEN WHOOPlNG]

Last one, ladies. Can you touch this?

Can you ever touch this?

Well, that's who the law says

that you cannot touch.

[WOMEN GROAN]

But l think l see a lot of lawbreakers

up in this house tonight.

[AUDlENCE WHOOPlNG AND CHEERlNG]

And l don't see a cop in sight.

All right?

Oh.

[SNlFFS]

[TRlMMER WHlRRlNG]

You know, l gotta go commando today

because someone...

...ripped off my favorite pair

of panties last night.

[CHUCKLES]

-Hey. lt's not funny.

-Heh, oh, sorry, heh.

-They were my grandma's.

-They were not your grandma's.

They could have been.

Can you throw me, uh, that shirt right there?

Hey, what are we gonna do about her?

MlKE [WHlSPERlNG]:

l don't know.

What was her name again?

What? l don't--

l'm sorry. What's her name?

[WHlSPERS]

Uh.

You don't even know.

-l do.

-You found her. You have to remember her.

-l know her name.

-What is it, then?

lt's....

[SHOUTS]

Penelope.

[MlKE CHUCKLES]

Whatever her name was, she was fun.

JOANNA:

That's a cool table. Where'd you get it?

MlKE:
That's just some old sh*t that blew up

on a beach after the last hurricane.

-You made that?

-Hmm?

You should sell these things.

Tsk, thank you. That's actually the idea.

Mike's Custom Furniture Concepts.

But the market hasn't really hit

the sweet spot yet.

Hm, l'm waiting for the bank to make

the competitive loans l'm looking for...

...and then l'll swoop in.

Cool.

l'm going to get out of here.

You guys are good?

What? You're just gonna leave us?

Yeah. What, are you gonna steal a bunch

of my sh*t or something?

Probably. That's what strangers do.

-Don't do that...maybe?

-Okay.

MlKE:
Okay.

-Okay.

So l'm going to see you again?

Tsk, uh, yeah, probably.

l don't know. l'll, uh, call you.

Bye.

MlKE:

Where's George and the guys?

SAL:
They f***ed me and took another gig

last minute. So l got these guys.

MlKE:

Where'd you get them?

Uh, you know, ah, industry referrals.

MlKE:
My dick. You got them off Craigslist?

SAL:
Heh.

l can't have f***ing union guys

around here...

...barking about benefits and sh*t.

Give me a break.

So, what am l supposed to do in there?

-Hey, you Sol? Sal. Adam.

-Sal.

Oh, Adam, how you doing? This is Mike.

You guys are gonna be working together.

Give me a minute?

l want to straighten something out there.

You can hop up there.

-You gotta be f***ing kidding me.

-What?

He's wearing f***ing tennis shoes.

He doesn't know--

Ah, heh, do me a favor, go up there

and do it for 14 bucks an hour.

l'm gonna do it for 20 bucks an hour.

[SAL SlGHS]

-l'll give you 1 8.

-Mm-mm.

Don't f*** with me.

You're like my son.

The son which you're gonna pay

$20 an hour.

MlKE:

What's up?

You ever, uh, tiled a roof before?

-No.

-F***.

How'd you get this job, anyways?

Craigslist.

And you put on your post

that you'd tiled houses before?

Yeah.

Right, ugh.

So, what do you got in your bag?

[CLEARS THROAT]

SAL:
Why don't you open it up?

ADAM:
There's nothing in it.

Why don't you open the f***ing bag

before l open your f***ing head up?

l got a nice ham, cheese sandwich....

You know how to read, huh?

One Pepsi a day. Read the cooler.

l'm gonna do my inventory.

lf l come up short, l'm coming right to you.

[CAR ALARM CHlRPlNG]

ls it dead?

ADAM:

What's that?

l can try to jump you off if you want,

but it's not the battery.

l think you're probably f***ed.

MlKE:

Just tell them if they want to get into this...

...be up there. l'll see you at the Amp.

All right. Later.

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG

ON CAR RADlO]

What are you doing? Stop. What the f***

are you doing, man?

[MlKE SlGHS]

Sorry.

lt's new. lt's gonna stay new

if you don't rip off the damn plastic.

ADAM:

Why do you have that?

Because it protects it. l'm going to rip it off

when l'm ready to sell it.

lt'll be like brand-new.

Where are you from?

Citrus Springs.

Did you play ball?

ADAM:

Uh, yeah. Strong safety.

You don't look like a strong safety.

l gave that, uh, college thing the college try.

Didn't quite work out.

Couldn't resist the lure

of the roofing business?

Yeah, that and the lure

of my sister's couch.

ADAM:
Can you do me a favor and drop me

off at my car tonight?

BROOKE:

No, l'm sorry. l'm going to dinner.

l can take you tomorrow morning, though.

What time do you have to be at work?

l need to talk to you about that, heh.

The foreman, uh...

...he accused me of stealing.

So l f***ing quit.

-What?

-Yeah, but l have....

Well, l had that interview at T-Mobile.

So, uh, yeah. They asked me to wear

a f***ing tie.

You know how l feel about wearing

a f***ing tie.

Why don't you just wear a tie?

Sorry. You know what my rules are.

BROOKE:

Oh, God, brother.

[BROOKE SlGHS]

What? l also...

[SNlFFS]

...could do....

[MUMBLES]

-What?

-What?

-What did you say?

-What did you hear?

You're doing that thing.

You're doing that game.

-What game?

-No. You do that all the time.

lt's not working anymore.

-Talking about games, l could be a gamer.

-Oh, yeah.

-And l could sell it to people.

-You'll make so much money.

-l could be the voice of the game.

-Even more money.

l have a very good voice.

l do great impressions.

You do do good impressions.

What was the one you did last night?

-l'm not going to do it now.

-Heh, do it again. Do it again.

-No.

-Come on.

[lMlTATlNG ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER]

Listen to me.

[BROOKE LAUGHlNG]

These are my tortillas.

Get in the chopper.

John Connor, come with me.

-Argh!

-Okay. All right.

ln case that doesn't work out,

why don't you come to dinner with me...

...and Paul tonight?

You can ask him if any of his friends

have any job openings.

PAUL:

But sometimes people want to, you know...

...they think they're owed a lot more

than, uh, they deserve. So too bad. Bummer.

Uh, but, uh, you know, whatever. Sucks.

l just don't have to be the guy

that tells them, uh, you know...

...that they're, uh, not going to be able

to rebuild their houses. Um, anyway....

Uh, let's talk about something else,

you know.

You're right.

l'm sick of talking about Medicaid...

...and processing insurance forms as well.

l get it.

PAUL:
Right.

-l get it.

Right. l mean, it's slightly different

when you're doing Medicaid claims...

...and when you're doing huge

property damage claims...

-...but l guess it's a similar kind of thing.

-Yeah.

Oh, wait, wait.

-Remember what l said?

-Hmm, l'm so sorry.

l just can't drive tonight.

l've been driving all weekend.

l'm sorry.

-No worries.

-l just forgot.

Someone will finish it, l think.

-There you go. There's a taker.

ADAM:
l will.

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