Magnolia Page #7

Captain Muffy, Doc and Gwenovier enter and head tor some seats,

CAMERA swings a 180 and moves down the aisle, towards the stage

as Frank speaks --

FRANK:

Number One:
Get a calendar. I cannot

stress this enough. This is a simple

item guys. It's 99 cents at your corner

store:
Go And Get One. F*** it, if you

reach into your packet, you'll see I've

been nice enough to include one, 'cause

that's the kind of prick I am --

You're gonna need this calendar and I know

it sounds like a small thing, but having it

makes all the difference in the world:

If you meet a girl and you're

gonna work an A-3 Interuption --

let's say an eight day waiting period before

the next call -- how you gonna know when those

eight days are up? Buy a calendar.

Next move? Mark the calendar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did I pay my eight

hundred dollars for? To hear Frank tell me

to buy a calendar and mark it? Just stick

with me and stick by the calendar. Mark it

up -- use it to set goals -- If you wanna

make that "friend" something else -- you gotta

be hard on yourself, set goals:

(beat, to audience)

You, there:
And What's Your Name?

CUT TO:

INT. EARL'S HOUSE/OFFICE - THAT MOMENT

Phil flips through a little adress book, finds a number. XCU - It reads,

"Frank 8/509-9027" He picks up a phone and dials;

FEMALE VOICE:

Hello?

PHIL:

Hi. Is Frank there?

FEMALE VOICE:

I think you have the wrong number.

PHIL:

I'm looking for Frank Mackey.

FEMALE VOICE:

No.

PHIL:

Is this 509-9027?

FEMALE VOICE:

Yeah. You have the wrong number.

There's no one named Frank here.

PHIL:

Alright. Thank you.

FEMALE VOICE:

Yep.

Phil hangs up the phone.

CUT TO:

INT. HOLIDAY INN/BANOUET ROOM - THAT MOMENT.

CAMERA with Gwenovier as she walks quietly over to the side

of the crowd to a VIDEO CREW that's been set up and is recording

Frank's seminar. She speaks sotto to a CAMERAMAN;

GWENOVIER:

Sorry I'm late --

CAMERAMAN:

-- we're all set upstairs.

GWENOVIER:

Thanks.

She moves towards a row and takes a seat next to Captain Muffy

and Doc, speaks sotto again;

DOC:

You have everything you need?

GWENOVIER:

I'm set, thanks.

CAMERA moves away, Frank is kneeling down to a GUY in the

audience, interacting, speaking compassionately;

FRANK:

Denise?

GUY:

That's right --

FRANK:

-- and she hurt you didn't she?

I know, I know. I know how that

can be brother, but let me tell you loud

and clear what we will be teaching

Denise when we put our calendars to work and

set goals:

Frank hops back up on the stage;

FRANK:

Little Denise, I say this: I mark it

up and I write it down and you've been warned:

"By the end of May, you will know I'm not gay."

"On the fourth of June, Denise, you're

gonna be lickin' my spoon."

"And Come August, You Suck My Big Fat

Sausage." I've SET GOALS FOR MYSELF.

And what? I've said "enough is enough."

Because why? She's not gonna be your pal.

She's not gonna be your friend. You think

she's gonna be there for you the second

you need something? Think again - this f***in'

b*tch Denise!

(audience cheers)

But:
Listen up: That is not to say that we don't

all need women as friends, 'cause we're gonna

learn later on in Chapter 23 that having a couple

of chick-friends laying around can come in

real handy in setting Jealousy Traps.

But we'll get to that. Number One (this is page 18

in your booklets, blue cover - go to it and

follow along with me.)

The guys flip open their little blue booklets and follow along.

FRANK:

Create a crisis -- simple and clean,

and if done properly can be quite

effective in getting some bush.

Here we go:
Set a date with your so-called

"friend." Let's say you make it 7:30.

You call her on the phone --

FLASH ON:

INT. GIRL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

CAMERA DOLLIES AROUND a young GIRL (20s) on the phone.

GIRL:

That sounds like fun, Frank.

I love seafood.

CUT TO:

INT. FRANK'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Frank on the phone.

FRANK:

So I'll see you about 7:30?

Great, then. Bye-bye, Cindy.

He hangs up.

CUT TO:

INT. GIRL'S HOUSE - ANOTHER NIGHT

CAMERA (HAND HELD) follows behind the GIRL as she walks from the kitchen

to the front door, shaking her head, huffing and puffing....

FRANK (VO)

You wait until about nine o'clock

and you ring the doorbell.

She opens the door and sees FRANK, crying and hysterical.

FRANK (VO)

She opens it up, pissed as hell, but

finds you sobbing your eyes out --

Frank looks up at her and says:

FRANK:

...I can't believe what happened...

Frank and the Girl sit down on the couch together.

FRANK (VO)

You explain between sobs that you hit

a dog on the way over to pick her up

and you had to rush it to the animal

hospital but by the time you got there --

FRANK:

...and it's paw was sticking out...

and it was too late. It was too late.

She moves in and hugs him.

GIRL:

Ohhh, shhhh...shhh...Frank...

CUT TO:

INT. HOLIDAY INN/BANQUET ROOM - THAT MOMENT

Frank is cracking himself up. He continues.

FRANK:

I can't believe I'm telling you guys this,

but the truly terrifying part is that: THIS WORKS.

Any girl that calls herself your friend is not

gonna let you be alone in a situation like that.

Technique #2:
Staging a fight.

This is not knock down, drag out, crying

screaming, yelling -- this is a simple,

direct and subtle way of planting confusion

into a girl's mind. Remember we are using

reinforcement technique "G" with these women.

Here's how:

CUT TO:

INT. GIRL'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The Girl picks up her phone and presses some numbers...

FRANK (VO)

One day, she calls you up on the phone...

CUT TO:

INT. FRANK'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Frank picks up the phone.

FRANK:

Hello?

GIRL:

Hey, Frank. It's Cindy. I'm wondering

if you wanna grab a bite and see a movie?

FRANK (VO)

You very directly say:

FRANK:

"I don't think I have anything to say

to you, Cindy."

Frank hangs up the phone.

CUT TO:

INT. GIRL'S HOUSE - THAT MOMENT

The Girl gets the dial tone. She looks completely confused and hurt.

CUT TO:

INT. HOLIDAY INN/BANQUET ROOM - BACK TO SCENE

Frank speaking to the group:

FRANK:

Let her wonder what she did wrong.

CAMERA DOES A SLOW DOLLY IN. Frank's tone changes a bit, gets darker:

FRANK:

This is the way...because they will

always wonder, "What did I do?"

"What could I have done different?"

"How should I behave to get this back?"

And if they think that way -- then they

are asking for you to hurt them and

That Is What You Must Do. That is what

you must do which is punish them many,

many times over.

CUT TO:

INT. CEDARS SINAI MEDICAL CENTER - HALLWAY - DAY

CAMERA pushes in as LINDA walks towards us, down the same

hallway we saw Jimmy Gator walking down earlier, she heads

into an office --

CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE/RECPETION AREA - MOMENTS LATER

CAMERA pushes in on Linda as she enters, WHIPS over to a

RECEPTIONIST who looks up;

RECEPTIONIST:

Mrs. Partridge --

LINDA:

I'm here and I need to see him.

CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

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