Major Barbara Page #2

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first trial by showing you where I live...

and introducing you to my family.

God has some little

surprises for you, my friend.

Have we far to go? What about a taxi?

We don't run to taxis in

this part of the world.

Most of us have never been in

one. We'll have to take a bus.

Oh, there's a 73. Jump in.

Don't ring. I have a latchkey.

By the way, I'd better know

your name before I go in.

Well, you haven't mentioned yours,

and it's I that have to introduce you.

My name's Adolphus Cusins.

Adolphus? What a name.

I shall call you Dolly.

My relatives do. I wish they didn't.

Introduce me as Professor Cusins.

Allude to me as Miss Undershaft.

Undershaft. Not

Undershaft, the cannon king?

The rival of Krupp and

Skode? The multimillionaire?

Don't worry, Dolly. I haven't

seen him since I was that high.

You'll find my mother

much more terrifying.

[Children Shouting]

[Children Laughing]

Remember the first time we

caught a bus here, Major?

Yes. And you wanted to

take me home in a taxi.

I've cured you of those

extravagant ideas, haven't I?

Yes. Takes the daughter

of a millionaire...

to teach economy to a

penniless professor of Greek.

Good evening, Morrison. I

suppose we're too late for dinner.

I regret to say so, sir.

But, sir, your, uh...

Oh. Excuse me.

[Door Opens]

- Is anything the matter, Mother?

- Presently, Stephen.

Don't begin to read, Stephen.

I shall require all your attention.

Oh, it was only while I was waiting.

Now.

- I haven't kept you waiting very long,

I think? - Not at all, Mother.

Give me my cushion, please.

Sit down.

Don't fiddle with your tie, Stephen.

There's nothing the matter with it.

Oh, I... I beg your pardon.

Stephen, I really cannot bear the whole

burden of our family affairs any longer.

You must advise me.

Really, Mother? I know so

little about your family affairs.

So impossible to mention

some things to you.

- I suppose you mean your father.

- Yes.

My dear, we can't go on all

our lives not mentioning him.

You're old enough now to be

taken into my confidence...

and to help me deal

with him about the girls.

No, the girls are all

right. They are engaged.

Yes, I've made a very

good match for Sarah.

Charles Lomax will be

a millionaire at 35.

But in the meantime, his trustees

cannot allow him more than 800 a year.

- Uh, yes, but... - Sarah will

have to find at least another 800.

And what about Barbara?

I thought Barbara was going to make

the most brilliant career of all of you.

And what does she do?

Joins the Salvation Army and walks in

one evening with a professor of Greek...

whom she's picked up in the street.

Yes, I was rather taken aback

when I heard they were engaged.

Cusins is a very nice fellow, certainly.

No one would ever guess that

he was born in Australia.

Oh, Adolphus Cusins will

make a very good husband.

- After all, nobody can say a word

against Greek. - No, indeed.

Besides, my dear, you must marry soon.

I'm trying to arrange something for you.

Don't sulk, Stephen.

I'm not sulking, Mother.

I mean, what has all

this to do with my father?

My dear, Stephen. Where

is the money to come from?

You know how poor my father is.

Whereas your father must

be fabulously wealthy.

There's no need to

remind me of that, Mother.

I've hardly been able to open a newspaper

in my life without seeing our name in it.

The Undershaft quick firer, the Undershaft

torpedo, the Undershaft submarine.

And now, the Undershaft bomb.

At Harrow they called

me the Woolwich infant.

And at Cambridge some little

beast swiped my Bible...

your first birthday present to me.

My writing underneath my name, "Son

and heir to Undershaft and Lazarus...

Death and Destruction Dealers.

Address:
Christendom and Judaea."

But that wasn't so bad as the way people

kowtowed to me everywhere I went...

because my father was making

millions by selling cannons.

Exactly! That's why he's

able to behave as he does...

openly defying every

social and moral obligation.

- It's criminal.

- Well, he does not actually break the law.

He broke the law when he was

born. His parents were not married.

Mother, is that true?

Of course it's true.

That's why we separated.

But this is frightful for me, Mother, to...

to speak to you about such things.

Now, be a good boy,

Stephen, and listen to me.

You see, the Undershafts are

descended from a foundling...

who was adopted by an

armorer and gunmaker.

That was centuries ago.

Ever since then, the cannon business

has been left to an adopted foundling...

named Andrew Undershaft.

Your father was adopted in that way...

and he pretends to consider himself

bound to carry on the tradition...

and adopt someone to

leave the business to.

Then it was on my account, Mother,

that your homelife was broken up.

I am sorry.

Well, dear, there

were other differences.

I really cannot bear an immoral man.

Your father didn't exactly do wrong

things, but he said them and thought them.

That was what was so dreadful. He really

had a sort of religion of wrongness.

But I couldn't forgive him

for preaching immorality...

while he practiced morality.

All this simply bewilders me, Mother.

Right is right, and wrong is wrong.

If a man cannot distinguish them properly,

he's either a fool or a rascal, and that's all.

That's my own boy.

Now that you understand the

situation, what do you advise me to do?

We cannot take money from him.

After all, Stephen, our present

income comes from your father.

- I never knew that.

- Why, dear boy.

The Stevenages couldn't

do everything for you.

We gave you social position.

Andrew had to contribute something.

So, you see, it isn't a question

of taking money from him or not.

It's simply a question of how much.

I would die sooner than

ask him for another penny.

You mean that I must ask him?

Very well, Stephen. It

shall be as you wish.

I've asked your father

to come here this evening.

Ring the bell, please.

He may be here at any moment.

Morrison, go and tell everyone to

come to the drawing room at once.

Yes, milady.

Mother, are Cholly and Dolly to come in?

Barbara, I will not have

Charles called Cholly.

The vulgarity of it

positively makes me ill.

It's all right, Mother.

Are they to come in?

Yes, if they will behave themselves.

Come in, Dolly, and behave yourself.

Come in, Chollyl

Well, sit down, all of you.

Listen to me, children.

Your father is coming here this evening.

- What?

- Oh, I say.

You're not called on to

say anything, Charles.

- Are you serious, Mother?

- Of course I'm serious.

It's on your account,

Sarah, and also on Charles's.

I hope you're not going

to object, Barbara.

I? Why should I?

My father has a soul to

be saved like anybody else.

He's quite welcome, as

far as I'm concerned.

Well, not that I mind him coming

here, you know, if fair Sarah doesn't.

Thank you.

Adolphus, have I your permission to

invite my own husband to my own house?

You have my unhesitating support

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