Major Barbara Page #3

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in everything you do, Lady Brit.

- I wonder how the old boy will take it.

- Much as the old girl will, Charles.

- No, I... I didn't mean... At least I...

- You didn't think, Charles. You never do.

The result is, you never mean anything.

Now, please attend to me, children.

Your father will be

quite a stranger to us.

I suppose he hasn't seen Sarah

since she was a little kid, really.

Not since she was a

little kid, Charles...

as you express it with that elegance

of diction and refinement of thought...

that seem never to desert you.

Accordingly...

Might I... Might I speak

a word to you, milady?

Nonsense. Show him in.

Yes, milady.

Does Morrison know who it is?

Of course. Morrison's

always been with us.

It must be a regular corker

for him, don't you know.

Is this a moment to get

on my nerves, Charles?

This is something out

of the ordinary. Really.

I never expected to meet the...

the mystery man of Europe.

The, uh... Mr. Undershaft.

- Good evening, Andrew.

- How do you do, my dear?

- You look a good deal older.

- I am somewhat older.

Time has stood still with you.

Rubbish.

This is your family.

Is it so large?

I'm sorry to say, my memory is

failing very badly in some things.

- Ah, I can see that you're my eldest.

- How do you do?

- I'm very glad to meet you again, my boy.

- No, no, no.

Andrew, do you mean to say you don't

remember how many children you have?

Well, I must confess I

recollect only one son.

So many things have happened

since then, of course.

Andrew, you're talking nonsense.

Of course you have only one son.

That is Charles Lomax,

who's engaged to Sarah.

- My dear sir, I beg your pardon.

- Not at all. Delighted, I'm sure.

This is Stephen.

Happy to make your

acquaintance, Mr. Stephen.

Uh... Ah. Then you must be my son.

How are you, my young friend?

He's very like you, my love.

Uh, no, you flatter me, Mr. Undershaft.

My name is Cusins, engaged to Barbara.

This is Major Barbara

Undershaft of the Salvation Army.

This is Sarah, your second daughter.

And, uh, that is, uh,

Stephen Undershaft, your son.

- My dear Stephen, I beg your pardon.

- Not at all.

Mr. Cusins, I'm much indebted to

you for explaining so precisely.

- Barbara, my dear.

- Sarah!

Oh, Sarah, of course.

Barbara. I am right this time, I hope.

- Quite right.

- [Lady Brit] Sit down, all of you.

Sit down, Andrew.

Thank you, my love.

- Here you are, sir.

- Oh.

- Thank you.

- [Chuckles]

Uh, takes you some time to find out

exactly where you are, doesn't it?

That's not what

embarrasses me, Mr. Lomax.

My difficulty is that if I

play the part of a father...

I should produce the effect

of an intrusive stranger.

If I play the part of a discreet

stranger, I may appear a callous father.

There's no need for you to

play any part at all, Andrew.

You'd much better be

sincere and natural.

Yes, my dear. I daresay

that will be best.

Well, here I am. Now,

what can I do for you all?

[Lady Brit] You need not do anything,

Andrew. You're one of the family.

You will sit with us and enjoy yourself.

- [Sneezes]

- [Snickers]

[Morrison Clears Throat]

- What on earth is this, Morrison?

- Your hot lemon and ginger, sir.

Always at a quarter past 9:00.

- Your memory seems to be a great deal

better than mine. - [Charles Chuckles]

Charles Lomax, if you can behave yourself,

behave yourself. If not, leave the room.

I'm awfully sorry, Lady Brit, but

really, you know, upon my soul.

Why don't you laugh if you want to,

Cholly? It's good for your inside.

Barbara, you've had

the education of a lady.

Please let your father see that,

and don't talk like a street girl.

Never mind me, my dear.

As you know, I'm not a gentleman,

and I was never educated.

Oh, but nobody would know it, I assure

you. You look all right, you know.

Well, thank you very much.

Charlie, I think you'd

better play something for us.

Oh, perhaps that sort of

thing isn't in your line.

- I'm particularly fond of music. - Are you?

Well, you mustn't expect too much.

- Do you play, Barbara?

- Only the tambourine.

But it's useful for taking the

collections in at the end of our meetings.

It's not my doing, Andrew. Barbara's

old enough to go her own way.

She has no father to advise her.

Oh, yes, she has. There are no

orphans in the Salvation Army.

Your father, dear, has a great many

children and plenty of experience, hmm?

How did you come to understand that?

Charles, play us something at once.

- ## [Begins, Stops]

- One moment, Mr. Lomax.

I'm rather interested

in the Salvation Army.

Its motto might be my

own. "Blood and fire."

But-But not your sort of

blood and fire, you know.

Come down tomorrow to my shelter at

Limehouse and see what we're doing.

We're going to march to a great

meeting at the Albert Hall.

Come and see the shelter

and then march with us.

It'll do you a lot of

good. Can you play anything?

In my youth, I earned pennies

and even shillings occasionally...

in the streets and

public house parlors...

by my natural talent for step dancing.

Later on I became a member of our

factory's orchestral society...

and performed passably

on the tenor trombone.

Well, that's splendid.

Many a sinner has played himself into

heaven on the trombone, thanks to the Army.

Really, Barbara. You go on as if

religion were a pleasant subject.

Do have some sense of propriety.

I don't find it an

unpleasant subject, my dear.

It's the only one

capable people really...

care for.

Well, if you're determined to have it...

I insist on having it in a

proper and respectable way.

This seems to be an admirable

occasion for family prayers.

- Oh, I say.

- Charles, ring the bell.

I'm afraid I must be going.

You can't go so soon, Andrew. It

would be most improper. Sit down.

My dear, I have conscientious scruples.

May I suggest a compromise?

If Barbara will conduct a little service

elsewhere, I'll attend it willingly.

I'd even take part if a

trombone can be procured.

Don't mock, Andrew.

You don't think I'm

mocking, my love, I hope.

No, of course not. And it

wouldn't matter if you were.

Half the Army came to their

first meeting for a joke.

Come along to the nursery,

Papa. Come on, Dolly. Cholly.

I will not be disobeyed by everybody.

Adolphus, sit down. Charles, you may go.

You're not fit for prayers. You

cannot keep your countenance.

But you, Adolphus, can behave

yourself if you choose to.

I insist on your staying.

My dear Lady Brit, there are

things in the family prayer book...

that I couldn't bear to hear you say.

What things, pray?

Well, you'd have to

say before everyone...

we've done those things

we ought not to have done.

Left undone those things we ought to

have done, there's no healthiness...

and I couldn't bear to hear you

doing yourself such an injustice.

As to myself, I... I flatly

deny it, so I must go.

Well, go, and remember this, Adolphus.

I have a very strong suspicion that you went

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