Major League Page #6

It's only temporary.

Besides, these guys weren't playing

that good

when the equipment was working.

If I could get anybody

to come out and watch this team,

none of this would be necessary.

You ought to be grateful I can still afford

to pay your salary.

Harris winds and delivers.

Vaseline ball, swung on

and grounded to short.

Hey, easy play for Malina.

Up with it, throws to first.

And this ball game is over,

as the Indians beat the Tigers

five to four.

Harris struggled, but picked up

his ninth win of the season.

Frank, I need a car, quick,

and mine's on the other side

of the stadium.

- Take the bullpen car.

- Yeah.

Whose place are we at this time?

Mine.

Did you follow me again?

I spotted you in the stands.

Figured you wanted

to see me about something.

I just wanted to see you play.

How was I?

You ought to open your stance a little.

They're pitching you inside.

I'll try that.

What's all this?

I'm moving in with Tom.

- Going uptown, huh?

- No.

Not going uptown.

Just want to lead a regular life,

you know. Like an adult, maybe?

You think I can't lead a regular life?

Oh, God, Jake.

Do you like the life you've had?

You like hanging out with the boys,

living in hotels,

having girls send you

their underwear in the mail.

Remember the surprise party

I threw for you on your birthday?

You never showed up,

but the doorbell rang once,

and we all got real quiet

and hid behind the furniture.

It was a guy to serve you

with a paternity suit.

That was a hoax.

The girl was looking for some publicity.

Yeah, but you'd obviously been with her.

And it happened

in front of all of our friends.

Those days are gone, Lynn.

I'm just a guy

trying to put his life back together.

I've come back to you

so many times, Jake.

I can't afford to believe you anymore.

Well,

I guess this is our last hurrah, then.

Yeah. I guess so.

Hey,

did you ever read Moby Dick?

Cover to cover, babe.

When's the wedding?

October 3rd.

Your folks like this guy?

You're still their favorite.

- Gonna be a big wedding?

- No, Tom doesn't like big weddings.

You know, you could have read

Plot Outlines of 101 Great Novels.

- Where?

- At any library.

- No, no, no. Where's the wedding?

- Oh, All Saints, on Euclid.

- Nice church.

- Yeah.

- Who saved Ishmael at the end?

- What?

Nobody. It was Queequoc's...

Queequeg's coffin.

Yeah.

- Am I invited?

- Where?

- To the wedding.

- Yeah.

- Lynn?

- What?

The zipper on your skirt's stuck.

Use your imagination.

You know, this doesn't change anything.

We were always good at this.

We're 60 and 60.

Nine games out of first.

Who do these guys think they are?

Maybe you just have to accept the fact

they're not as bad as you hoped.

I don't have to accept anything.

Attendance is only just

beginning to rise.

If we can force a losing streak,

we can still turn this thing around.

What's left to do?

You've taken away everything you can.

Not everything.

Hey, Ricky, I'll trade you Song of

Hiawatha for The Deerslayer.

Nah, I'm not into Song of Hiawatha.

Veg-head, I think I got one here

that's right up your alley.

Crime and Punishment.

Hey, is that a detective story? Yeah?

"Wild Thing" Vaughn

roughed up in his only other

appearance against the Yankees,

in a little jam here.

He fanned Burton to open the inning,

walked Saslow,

gave up a double to Billy Leff,

which will bring up Haywood,

who leads the league

in most offensive categories,

including nose hair.

When this guy sneezes,

he looks like a party favor.

Taylor, they ain't released you yet?

Haywood's a convicted felon,

isn't he, Monte?

- Doesn't really say it here.

- Well, he should be.

Vaughn among the league leaders

in strikeouts now,

up on the rubber and ready to work.

And from the wind-up, here he comes.

Haywood swings and crushes one

towards South America.

Tomlinson's gonna need a visa

to catch this one.

It is out of here,

and there's nothing left but a vapor trail.

Vaughn continues to have problems

with Haywood and the Yankees.

Oh, boy.

Hi, Lou.

Donovan, what are you doing here?

Well, I just wanted to get back out

on the road again.

You know, you had a hell of a road trip.

You nearly pulled that one out today.

Someday we'll figure out

how to beat those guys.

You know, you've done

a great job this year.

60 and 61 is hardly a great job.

With this club, it is.

You know, there's a lot of talent

on this club, Charlie.

The veterans are starting to play

back to form,

and the rookies are developing faster

than I thought.

There's two or three

potential all-stars in there.

I think we're a contender, right now.

You really believe that, don't you?

I know it.

All we need is something

to bring it all together.

Rachel Phelps will never

allow that to happen.

Can I have your attention, please?

I have something I think

you all ought to know about.

It seems that Mrs. Phelps

doesn't think too highly of our worth.

She put this team together

because she thought

we'd be bad enough to finish dead last,

knocking attendance down to the point

where she could move the team

to Miami

and get rid of all of us

for better personnel.

Even me?

Even you, Dorn.

What if we don't finish last?

She'll replace you

with somebody who will.

After this season,

you'll be sent back to the minors

or given your outright release.

Well, then I guess

there's only one thing left to do.

What's that?

Win the whole f***ing thing.

- Yeah.

- Yes!

Yes!

Yeah.

Yeah.

I figure it's gonna take

32 more victories to win this thing.

Every time we win, we peel a section.

Yeah.

Come on.

Oh, sh*t.

Strike!

He's out!

Safe!

- Yeah, man.

- Yes!

Strike!

Strike!

Sh*t!

He's out!

Hello. Do you know us?

We're a major league baseball team.

But since we haven't won

a pennant in over 30 years,

nobody recognizes us,

not even in our own hometown.

That's why we carry

the American Express card.

No matter how far out of first we are,

it's cool.

You know, it keeps us

from getting shut out

at our favorite hotels

and restaurant-type places.

So, if you're looking

for some big-league clout,

apply for that little green

home-run hitter.

Look what it's done for us.

People still don't recognize us, but...

We're contenders now.

The American Express card.

Don't steal home without it.

Yeah!

Safe!

Cowabunga!

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

The incredible has happened.

Even though it comes as no surprise

to this commentator,

the Indians have finished

the regular season in a first-place tie

with the New York Yankees

on the strength of a 4-2 win

over the White Sox

in Chicago today.

All right!

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