Major Movie Star Page #2

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and out of the blue

you call me in the middle of the night?

I'm sorry, Megan.

We're not all on Hollywood time.

Nigel?

Nigel!

Nigel, where have you been?

I have been calling you... Nigel?

- Derek?

- Hey.

Megan! Wait! Just, come on.

Hey, it's not what I think you know it is.

Baby! Megan! Megan.

Why?

Nigel said being with you

would help out my career. I'm sorry.

Come on. Friends? Meggers.

- It was a character study.

- You were great tonight!

Miss Valentine.

Miss Valentine? Miss Valentine?

- God?

- No, ma'am.

This is GuideStart,

your global positioning satellite system.

- Hi, Mr. Start.

- Miss Valentine, are you all right?

No. My boyfriend's gay!

- Can you tell me if you've been hurt?

- Well, of course I've been hurt.

He told me that he loved me.

And I don't even have a house anymore.

I don't know what I did

to deserve this, Mr. Start.

I'm a really good person.

I give to charity... I think.

The authorities have been notified.

Someone will be there

to assist you momentarily.

They'll be there any minute, Miss Valentine.

Sit tight and remain calm.

This is not good. I gotta go.

Miss Valentine?

Miss Valentine, are you there?

Miss Valentine?

- Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you can't sleep here.

- Can I use your bathroom?

I promise I'm not homeless.

Well, actually, I am homeless.

- But I really got to go to the bathroom.

- Of course, ma'am.

There's strong

and then there's Army strong.

So join us and experience what it takes

to be a soldier.

- Loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service...

- I bet that gives you really good glutes.

- The Army's might is not in its numbers.

- Cute outfit.

It's in the character of its individuals.

- I am an American soldier.

- Please, have a seat.

I will never...

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- I will be all I can be.

- Or be what everybody else wants you to be.

- Having some troubles, ma'am?

- I have no control over my life.

Well, maybe you need to step away from it.

Get some perspective.

- You're right.

- Yeah, you need to see what you're made of.

You're right. I need that.

...and that who you are will become better

than who you were.

Being a soldier

isn't a walk down the red carpet, ma'am.

- You can't just decide...

- Don't tell me what to do.

Please. Not you, too. I really need this.

I have a contract right here, Miss Valentine.

Are you telling me a Hollywood actress

really wants to join the United States Army?

Yeah.

Are you ready to embrace the core values

that the Army holds dear?

Loyalty, duty, respect,

honor, integrity and courage?

- It's like you're totally reading my mind.

- Are you ready to take an oath

and become a member

of the United States Army?

Yes.

- Are you ready to be Army strong?

- Yes, sir!

- I think the girl next to me is dead.

- What?

I think the girl next to me is dead.

She looks a lot like Megan Valentine.

- That girl from the talking dog movie?

- She should be dead.

Am I in coach? Am I in coach?

- Oh, my God. It is Megan Valentine.

- Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm from a trailer park in Missouri.

The only celebrity I've ever met was

when Ronald McDonald showed up

at the mall.

You're freaking me out.

Will you sign my face?

What the hell are you doing here?

What, are you researching a role

or something?

- No.

- So you're actually telling us

that you joined the Army?

Wow! You must have had

one messed up night. God, I miss those.

Recruits. Army Senior Drill Sarge,

Sergeant Mills Evans.

You've arrived at Fort Jackson.

You will not speak unless spoken to.

You will obey each word I say.

When I say go, you will exit

and immediately place your feet

on the yellow footprint formation.

Go, go, go, go! Move, move, move, move!

Get your bags and go.

Move, move, move, move!

- Come on!

- You forget something for a dance tonight?

Get off my bus. Move, move!

- Okay. Okay.

- Get off my bus.

Let's go! Move it!

Princess Buttercup. Move your feet.

Move your feet, Petunia.

- Hey, say it, don't spray it.

- Move, move, move. Move those feet.

Move, move, move!

Yes.

You better get your S-H-l- consolidated ASAP

or you will be SOL PDQ.

Do you understand me?

- No. I have no idea what he just said.

- This is not a slumber party.

- Get your game face on!

- This is so not my vibe.

What happened to, like, the cute little

rock climbing outfits and the sisterhood?

You will stand at attention!

Put your bag down!

- Shoulders back! Eyes front!

- Look at me!

Now, when I address you,

your response to me will be,

"Yes, Drill Sergeant."

Do you understand?

Why didn't you tell me

my mascara was running?

- Now say it like you got a pair.

- Yes, Drill Sergeant.

- Here. This will take the edge off.

- What do you think this is, a rehab facility?

I don't do drugs! My body's a temple!

Did you think that bus was going

to a Phish concert? Put that away!

Now, listen up.

This is your First Sergeant, Louisa Morley.

She'll be overseeing your training here

at Fort Jackson.

You will address her as First Sergeant.

Certainly have hit a new low,

haven't we, Sergeant Evans?

Yes, First Sergeant.

- Name, soldier.

- Jeter, First Sergeant.

Don't I know you?

Proudly served as sergeant at Fort Benning.

Traded my stripes in for marriage.

That fell through.

Came back for the love of my country,

First Sergeant!

A woman scorned is a good soldier.

Welcome back, Private Jeter.

- What's your name?

- Ma'am, Petrovich, ma'am.

"Ma'am"? I worked hard for my rank, Private.

You will address me as First Sergeant.

- Are we clear?

- Yes, First Sergeant.

Are you about to cry?

Ain't no crying in the Army, baby girl.

'Cause I ain't got time

to be changing no diapers. Are we clear?

Yes, First Sergeant.

- Did I just catch you eyeballing me?

- No, First Sergeant.

Am I attractive to you?

'Cause I'll only break your heart, sweetheart.

- Name, soldier.

- Private Castillo, First Sergeant.

What are you? Huh?

You some kind of gangbanger?

What you gonna do?

What, you gonna cut me, mommy?

Is that what you gonna do?

You gonna cut me?

- No, First Sergeant.

- I got my eye on you, Casti-ho.

This is the United States Army.

We will tolerate nothing but...

Excuse me? Excuse me? Hi.

This is really embarrassing.

Sorry to interrupt, but I'm Megan Valentine.

- The actress?

- Hey.

See, this really isn't what I was picturing

when the recruitery guy was telling me

about me finding myself.

Really? Well, come on over here

a second, sweetheart.

- But first, who are you wearing?

- Dolce & Gabbana.

- Stunning. Stunning.

- Thanks.

It looks like we've got ourself

a special visitor today. Megan Valentine.

Why don't we all give her

a round of applause? Come on!

Come on.

No, you all can do better than that.

- Let's hear it for Megan Valentine.

- Hi.

Let's hear it for Megan.

She's just pretty as a peach.

Thank you. Between us girls,

I need a bath, a phone

and, like, 20 hours of sleep.

Do you know any cute, like,

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