Major Movie Star Page #3

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B and B's around here?

- Let me think. Bed and breakfast?

- Yeah.

Nearby. And you'll probably need

a ride too, huh?

- You're a doll.

- Well, then by all means,

let me ride you, Miss Daisy.

Drop and give me 10.

- Ten what?

- Ten push-ups. Drop and give me 10!

Will you hold my bag? Thanks.

I think I wanna take the scenic route, Evans.

My grandmother can do a better push-up

than that.

Off your knees. This isn't the Girl Scouts!

Now, down. I said, feet back. Down!

- I'm trying.

- Up! Down.

Up. Down. Hold it when I say down.

Down. Up. Down. Up.

Down. Up. Down. Up.

Down. Up. Down. Up.

- Get up, Hollywood! Get up!

- Okay.

As you can see, I'm a huge fan. Really, I am.

But we just seem to have

a teeny weeny problem here.

You see right here?

Like the VIP, girlfriend, you on the list.

So as long as your name is on my list,

you're not going anywhere.

Fall in for processing.

There you go, cuteness.

Hey, this is Sidney.

Call me on the cell, call me at the office,

I'm always open.

Sidney, it's me. I made a mistake.

I need your help.

I crashed my car and now I'm at the Army

and everyone's yelling at me.

Come on, you know how much

that tube of eye cream goes for?

No, not the Libra.

I have been on a waiting list.

These are on loan.

One size fits all? Am I being Punk'd?

C-D-N-K...

That's so wrong.

I don't wear underwear.

When is this gonna end?

This is just the beginning!

Gosh. Where's my room?

These sheets better have

a decent thread count.

Can you believe that? She just sees a tattoo

and just assumes I'm in a gang

or something.

- I hate that I let her make me cry.

- Thank God.

Attention, ladies. It's 5:00 a.m.

Time to fall in for duty.

Let's go. Let's go. Rise and shine, ladies.

Move it, move it, move it!

Let's go.

Private Valentine?

Move it, Hollywood.

I wanna be an airborne ranger

I wanna be an airborne ranger

Living on blood and guts and danger

Living on blood and guts and danger

I wanna be an airborne ranger

I wanna be an airborne ranger

Living on blood and guts and danger

Living on blood and guts and danger

I think I'm gonna die. I want my mommy.

Weren't you just on the cover

of some fitness magazine?

Yeah. I don't work out.

I have a high metabolism.

What? You look like that

without working out?

- It's really hard for me to gain weight.

- Yeah, whatever.

Before I cry you a river, tell me,

why are you really here, Valentine?

I needed to get away from my life

for a little bit.

And that recruiter was so hot.

And his voice was so soothing.

I made a mistake.

Let's go, soldiers! Move, move, move, move!

- My grandmother runs faster than that.

- Who's your grandma, Derek Jeter?

Private, you had better pull it together fast

or you are never gonna make it through this.

That's just it. I don't wanna make it through.

I changed my mind.

It was an impulse purchase.

Well, you bought yourself quite a challenge.

Move it! Come on, get over here!

Sidney!

Sidney, it's me.

I made a mistake. I need your help.

I crashed my car and now I'm at the Army

and everyone's yelling at me.

- She crashed her car and went to Armani?

- Why would anyone yell at her at Armani?

I had the operator trace the call.

It came from a Fort Jackson.

The Army base?

I need your help.

I crashed my car and now I'm at the Army

and everyone's yelling...

...the Army and everyone's yelling at me.

These Army guys,

I know how to handle them.

And their intimidation tactics.

This, all for looks.

Sit.

- Gentlemen, we've located your girl.

- I'm just glad we found her.

"Major movie star missing."

Try explaining that one.

- Sidney?

- Oh, my God!

What did you people do to my star?

Honey, what happened?

You gave her a gun? It's not loaded, is it?

- There was gunfire and mud and running.

- She hates running.

- They tried to kill me.

- Who?

- Who, sweetheart? Who tried to kill you?

- The ones in the camouflage.

Well, that's it. Let's go.

We're getting you out of here.

She signed a binding

US Government contract, gentlemen.

She was in a car accident.

She was in shock.

Post-traumatic stress.

She had a concussion.

What he said, I was concussed.

Sir, it is my opinion

that Private Valentine does not belong here.

Come on. She's an actress.

She's insecure, yet full of herself.

That's what makes her so impressionable.

If she had walked into a circus tent,

she'd be in a leotard,

juggling poodles right now.

She did not walk into a circus tent,

Mr. Green.

She walked into an Army recruiting office.

I don't care who she is.

Megan Valentine is now property

of the United States Army.

All right. Well, let's do this.

Name your price.

MPs? Remove this

George Hamilton wannabe.

- What's happening? Sidney!

- I'll be back for you.

- Meanwhile, work on your abs!

- Don't leave me here!

I don't belong with these people.

They're from trailer parks and gangs

and they all ride coach.

I will never survive.

My roots are already growing in.

I'm going.

- No, no...

- Don't you hurt me.

- Worm.

- I'm an attorney.

- I'm staying?

- Sir, she is not fit to be a soldier.

- Her very presence is a distraction.

- Enlistment is down, Sergeant.

We cannot afford

to have a celebrity go AWOL

and trash the Army all over the press.

For now, she stays. Big Mo, you come.

Sir.

Move out, Valentine. Move out!

- Okay, okay.

- Move!

Keep going.

Don't stop till you get over there.

Let's go, Valentine.

Get over the obstacle.

Let's go. This is easy.

I did it again.

Get up there. Get up there and do it again.

So I said it's like pulling keys

out of a monkey's ass.

Don't even think about it.

Thanks. That Jeter's a hug

waiting to happen.

- You put soy sauce on eggs, too?

- Yeah, it's the Japanese ketchup. Right?

- Pretty much.

- Hamamori, this is Megan Valentine.

- I'm sure you've seen some of her movies.

- Just on an airplane, but yes.

Well, I've seen all your movies.

In the theater. Twice.

- Thanks.

- So, you're an actress. That must be fun.

Everybody in my family's in the military.

- Is that what you wanna do?

- Oh, no.

I wanna grow medical marijuana

to help people.

Taking some of the power away

from the drug companies,

all the while reducing

my own personal carbon emissions.

Sounds like a plan.

- I like to help, too. I give to charity.

- Good for you.

Aren't you dating Derek O'Grady,

that Greenpeace guy?

- We broke up.

- That blows.

- What happened?

- I don't know.

Last thing he said was,

if he didn't make his plane,

my manager would be all over him.

Guess he didn't make his plane.

Today Sergeant Evans will instruct you

on how to fire your rifle.

- What's the first rule we've learned?

- Never be without your rifle, First Sergeant.

- What is it?

- Never be without your rifle, First Sergeant.

Private Valentine, where is your rifle?

Rifle said he needed time apart.

It wasn't me. He just needed his space.

Sergeant Evans, run the platoon three miles

back to the mess

- to retrieve Valentine's rifle.

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