Major Movie Star Page #7

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Hey, Britney, how are you?

How are the kids?

I'm good. I was just thinking about you.

- Morris.

- Yes.

I want you to hire me a new accountant,

and I wanna sign off on every single check,

and I wanna know

all the money that goes out.

Okay.

Sidney,

from this very moment,

I decide what film role I take,

I decide what interview I do,

I decide who I want to be

and I decide who I date.

Well, unless he's really hot.

I'm not crazy or anything.

- Am I fired?

- No.

Are we clear?

I said, are we clear?

Yes, absolutely.

Of course. Of course. Of course.

Good. As you were.

I'll see you guys next week, okay?

Where are you going?

To finish what I started.

Your final field training exercise is a test

of all the skills you have learned.

This will also be a timed test of endurance

and how you work as a team.

Your squad...

Well, if it isn't Miss Grace.

Welcome back, Hollywood.

As I was saying, your platoon

will be divided into squads of five.

I will appoint a leader for each squad.

You will be given a map,

coordinates, and a compass.

You will not be given any food.

You will be given MREs.

That's Meals Ready-to-Eat

stashed along your route.

Now, if you don't find them,

or somebody steals them,

then you don't eat.

Your squad's objective is to locate a

wounded soldier, represented by a dummy.

You must then transport him

to the Emergency Field Hospital

located in our Urban Warfare Center.

You will be in full combat mode

until you get there.

An aggressor team

will be trying to stop you.

They are some of the meanest, toughest,

baddest graduates we have.

They are all awaiting Ranger training

and can't wait to capture you.

Now, if what can only be called dumb luck,

and you happen to capture one of them,

your squad gets one hour deducted

from your time.

Don't get happy.

This has never happened before, platoon.

So don't count on it.

Any team not crossing the finish line

within 24 hours,

must repeat the full exercise.

Squad leaders are

Jeter, Gableson,

Young, and Valentine.

Hey, Johnson, you, me, Castillo

and Petrovich are on the Blue Team.

Great. Guess who our leader is?

You guys ready to save some dummy's ass?

We're not worried about you, Valentine.

- Congratulations.

- For what?

Coming back. Finish what you started.

- Thank you, Sergeant.

- And you got me as your land grader.

Sweet. What does that mean?

It means I'll be coming along

with your team.

Strictly as an observer and a safety net,

every step along the way.

And I can't help you.

You already have, Sergeant.

It's good to have you back, Valentine.

It's good to be back, Sergeant.

Hey, Jeter.

Good luck out there.

Precision, skill, plus an iron will

doesn't need luck, movie star.

I forgot.

May the best team win.

Don't you have a mani-pedi or spray tan

appointment you need to get to?

Actually,

I canceled them

just to come back and challenge you.

You must be Scary Spice.

I got three words for you.

Honor, pride and integrity.

Well, I've got

five words for you.

You need to get laid.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

You're going down, Army Barbie.

Due to circumstances I can control,

I won't be making this journey with you.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Move out.

Wait for me, I'm coming.

Well, it looks like we're suffering

for Valentine yet again.

Yeah, it looks that way.

- Come on, I came back, didn't I?

- Don't do us any favors, Valentine.

Like it or not, I'm your team leader

and I have something to say.

Yes, I screwed up,

but you have to give me another chance.

Why? Because, Johnson,

you wanna go home and see your little girl.

Castillo, if you don't go home soon,

your boyfriend's gonna cheat on you.

And, Hamamori,

weed doesn't grow on its own.

Petrovich? I wanna do this for your brother

as much as you do.

So what do you say? Are we gonna do this?

Is the speech over?

Damn, you girls are tough. Now, move out.

Good try.

Would you look at this?

Looks like little blonde Riding Hood

bought us lunch.

Anybody hungry? Help yourselves.

I'm not your Sherpa.

You can all split mine,

'cause I'm already full

on determination and pride.

Double time.

I think my compass is broken.

You got that right. Give me that.

First of all, it's backwards.

Where the heck are we?

This doesn't make any sense.

Valentine, let me see that map.

- I'm starving, guys.

- Me, too.

I could have sworn I put it in here.

So help me God, Valentine,

if you don't have that map...

- It's gone.

- You're kidding, right?

- I told you she'd screw up.

- Of course she screwed up.

She's a self-absorbed prima donna

who only cares about herself.

Well, you don't have to be so mean, Castillo.

She came back.

Please, are you speaking

for the entire fan club?

Don't make her cry, Castillo.

I'm not gonna cry. I'm gonna kick your ass.

- Okay. Well, bring it on, cry baby.

- I'm not gonna...

Hey! Take it easy.

Enough. Enough!

If we're gonna make it through this,

we gotta work as a team.

Hamamori, you're the one who always has

your hand up in those navigation classes.

Help us out.

I mean, we might be able to get to the

first navigation point using dead reckoning.

Everybody got a full belly? Good.

Fitzsimmons, you're on

first shift guard duty.

Berky. You're next.

Everyone gonna turn in real early

because my team leaves before first light.

We're gonna get this wounded soldier

to the hospital first.

Why?

Because he's got a family at home

worried sick that he's not coming back.

And the last thing his wife is thinking

is that he's cheating on her

with the girl from Circuit City

with the fake tits

who sold her the plasma TV screen

that she bought for him for his birthday!

Lights out.

Here we go.

Jeter.

I'm starving. And I don't do bugs.

What I would give for a

burrito con pollo right now.

I'd do a Number 5

with a super scoop of curly fries.

You guys and your love

for processed foods.

- We should be living off of the land.

- I can't eat land.

Petrovich, you brought

the mosquito netting, right?

Yeah.

Who's read the book,

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish?

Well, if you haven't, you should.

It's a good book.

Anyway, when my dad read it to me,

he also told me that when you

pee-pee in the water, it attracts fish.

That's disturbing.

Who's gotta go?

Come on, you can do it.

Okay, top or bottom?

- Top.

- Top.

Fish fry?

Okay, Castillo, start the fire.

- I don't have any matches.

- Anyone?

- Hey.

- You're the best sergeant ever.

But if you use them, you'll be disqualified.

And then we're gonna have to

do this all over again.

Yeah, but, guys, we still gotta eat.

Okay. It'll be a little bland, but...

Sashimi anyone?

This is great.

- And who's gonna make fun of me now?

- Soy sauce?

Oh, yeah. What's up?

- What's up? What's up?

- Girlfriend loves soy sauce.

This is so good. But aren't we gonna be

hungry again, like, in half an hour.

That's Chinese. And no offense taken.

I am so tired, you guys.

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