Major Movie Star Page #6

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some grade-A chocolate.

Where?

Stop it.

If he barks, we're toast.

How did you know to do that?

Gotta get something out of

doing a talking dog movie, right?

- Come on, ladies.

- Good boy.

Nasty.

- I have the best fans.

- Yes, you do.

Busted.

So you're all going down for this?

No, you...

That never happened.

How cute.

"Hi, Megan. When I grow up,

I wanna be an actress, just like you."

You gotta listen to this one.

"When sometimes I'm alone all by myself

at night in my cell..."

Let's just say most of my fans

are pretty much in high school

or correctional facilities.

It must be great, though,

having people write you letters?

Yeah, I guess.

To most people, what I do is just fluff.

Well, I'm most people

and I love your movies.

Okay, the movie

where you played that heiress

that went to the ghetto school to try to fit in.

And you were like, "Like, oh, my God.

What's up? What's up? What's up?"

- But what you do is funny.

- It's not reality.

In reality, you would not have

made it out of that school alive.

- No.

- And if I wanted reality,

I would stay home

and look at my ass in the mirror.

- When I go to a movie, I wanna laugh.

- Maybe you're right.

Okay, so, Megan, I mean, cough it up.

You have everything

anyone could ever possibly want.

Why are you really here?

My manager, Nigel, he found me

when I pretty much had nothing.

And he told me what to wear,

what to say, how to act.

Pretty much made me a star.

He was like a father to me, really.

- Did he die?

- No, he slept with my boyfriend.

Damn.

My cousin Barry stole all of my money.

So, I'm broke.

- Wow.

- Ouch.

It's a good thing.

For the first time in my life,

I'm my own person.

And I have real friends.

- You really mean that?

- I promise.

- Okay.

- Okay. Let's open another one.

This one is from Delores Bagoni.

That's my personal assistant.

"Megan, thank you for realizing

how hard it is to take care of you.

"Sometimes, I want to slit my wrists."

God.

"I did a little investigating like you asked.

I hope this is what you are looking for."

Thank you, Delores.

You're now entering

the final stages of training.

At the end of next week, you will compete

in a 24-hour tactical field exercise

that will employ everything you've learned

during Basic.

What you're about to see is a video

that highlights what you've been taught.

What you review here

is crucial to your success. Good luck.

I love you, too, Chuck,

and I wanted to show you just how much.

And I wanted to give myself to you,

especially with the giant worm invasion

and all.

- Sergeant Morley, what is this?

- Give me that remote.

- I love you.

- Need it now.

- I wanna give it to you.

- I want it now.

- Yeah. I wanna give it to you like that.

- Make me a woman, Chuck.

That's all of me. You're my woman now.

Give me that.

I feel like a man. Like a big man.

Did you know?

Did you have something to do with this?

I swear to God,

I had nothing to do with this.

Turn it off. Turn it... Stop it, stop.

What the hell?

Wow.

How did you know about Morley, Valentine?

Yeah.

I knew there was something familiar

about Morley from the first time I saw her.

A little snooping around from Delores,

and what do we get?

"Make me a woman, Chuck."

Hey, Hamamori, what's up?

This. This is what's up.

"According to her representatives,

"America's Sweetheart is deep undercover

researching her next role,

"comically making her way

through Basic Training.

"An inside source tells us

the sheltered A-lister

"has struggled to adjust

as she finds herself surrounded by

"what she describes as trailer trash,

gang chicks and drug dealers."

- Is that what you think of us?

- Of course not.

- Did you really say these things?

- No.

No?

Yes, but it's not how it sounds.

Megan, I'm here

trying to make something of myself.

And you go off

and you call me a gangbanger?

Thanks a lot.

You know, I may not like Jeter,

but at least she is who she is.

- She isn't a fake.

- I changed my mind.

You are a good actress.

- You said we were friends.

- We are.

I really believed you.

I really thought that

you got your heart broken,

and your bank account emptied.

But no, this whole time you were just here

to prepare for a stupid movie role.

- That is not true.

- Save it for your manager.

That's right.

He's with your boyfriend right now.

Well, you said it best right here, Valentine.

"I don't belong with these people."

Private Valentine,

report to the Captain's office.

On the double.

You're sprung, kid. How's that for an agent?

What do you mean?

We uncovered discrepancies

in your contract.

Apparently, Sergeant First Class Harrison,

now Private First Class Harrison,

in the recruiting office,

forwent a few crucial steps.

You were supposed to take a physical

and an aptitude test.

You don't have either one.

Bottom line, you're free to go.

And get this.

They caught Barry in Amsterdam.

He's already given up information

on two offshore accounts.

So, it looks like you are going to get

your money back.

And you get to keep your house.

Megan.

We were so worried about you.

Are you okay?

Oh, my God, you don't look okay.

Okay, here, have a seat.

- Sidney, what about the...

- Do not worry.

Sidney is taking care of everything.

I told the press you were preparing

for Rupert & Alice Join the Army.

They're eating it up.

All you have to worry about is looking pretty

and "How I got my army abs"

in People magazine. Cover.

- Yes, People magazine.

- Oh, my God, how cool.

Yes, yes, yes. No, no, no.

No, no. That's not what Megan wants.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let me tell you what Megan wants.

- Twenty-four.

- Twenty-five.

- Twenty-six.

- Twenty-seven.

We're all waiting on you, Valentine.

You didn't hear?

Private Valentine

took a voluntary discharge.

I didn't think she'd quit.

- You gonna be all right?

- Yeah, of course.

- Yeah?

- Promise.

- Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then.

- Okay.

- Okay. Sleep well.

- Good night.

Good night, darling.

Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo, did you miss me?

Miss Valentine.

Well, why can't I get a reservation then?

Lemon, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup.

I tell you, it just cleans you right out.

Well, if you want a real workout,

you've gotta try Kundalini yoga.

First things first.

Amber,

- you're fired.

- What?

You can kiss my ass goodbye.

- I really didn't wanna work for you anyway.

- Good for you.

You should have done that years ago.

I'm almost positive she's the one

who put up those nipple shots

of you on YouTube.

- She is such a little phony.

- A phony?

I think I see a phony

sitting right in front of me.

You are so fired.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Megan, what would you do without me?

I would wear what I want

and I would date straight men.

What I did I do?

- You screwed my boyfriend.

- So? I didn't love him.

Nigel, get out.

Fine. You know, I was gonna

dump you this week anyway,

so I guess it all just worked out fine.

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