Make Happy

---

That has been, really,

a difficult thing for me.

My mother has always been

a very difficult person all her life.

Very unhappy. I can never remember

my mother being happy.

And as she gets older,

however she was as a young person,

I find it's just now exaggerated

and, uh...

so, she's, uh, 83

and now very extremely negative,

very extremely unhappy, and, uh...

that has been hard for me...

Hello, audience.

Thank you for coming.

You are here because you want to laugh...

and you want to forget

about your problems.

But I cannot allow it.

You should not laugh.

You should not forget

about your problems.

The world is not funny.

- We are all dying.

The world is not funny.

Twelve percent of the world's population

does not have access

to clean drinking water.

The world is not funny.

Guy Fieri owns

two functioning restaurants.

- The world is not funny.

So then...

now that we understand the context,

now that we realize

how terribly unfunny the world is...

let's do this.

Entertainers are not here

to help you.

They are here to control you.

- Never listen to them.

Never give them what they want.

And most importantly,

never make some f***ing noise!

? Ladies! ?

? Ladies, if you feel me

Say, "Hell, yeah!" ?

Hell, yeah!

? Fellas! Come on, fellas

If you feel me, say, "Hell, yeah!" ?

Hell, yeah!

? Virgins, if you haven't felt a person

Say, "Hell, yeah!" ?

Hell, yeah!

? If you can divide by zero

Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!" ?

Hell, yeah!

No, you can't.

Mathematically impossible.

Listen.

Don't be Pavlovian.

I'm looking for actual answers here.

Trying to gather information.

Let's go.

? If you like drinking booze

Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!" ?

Hell, yeah!

? If you like smoking weed

Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!" ?

Hell, yeah!

Gotcha. Get these motherfuckers.

Get down on the ground!

Where's the weed?

Yeah,

we got a room full of potheads.

We're gonna need backup.

Over.

Psych!

? If you don't give a f***

About the law ?

? Let me hear you say

"F*** the police" ?

F*** the police.

? If that seems oversimplified to you

Let me hear you say ?

? "It's a really tough job

And they're doing their best" ?

? If you know nothing about the conflict

Between Israel and Palestine ?

? And thus feel super uncomfortable ?

? Weighing in on it

Til you've read about it ?

? Let me hear you say

"No comment" ?

No comment!

Good call. I have no idea

what's going on over there.

What are they fighting about?

They have similar hats.

? If you want to start the show ?

? Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah"

Come on ?

Hell, yeah!

? If my name's Bo... ?

Whoops.

I think you're done

with this call and response sh*t.

That's what I thought.

If you want me to get introspective,

let's get introspective.

? I can't wrap my mind around

Exactly why I'm here ?

? I know you paid money

I should be funny ?

? Other than that

Don't know why I'm here ?

? To make you laugh, right?

That's only half-right ?

? Look at the world

I don't know why I'm here ?

? All this laughter can't

Feed starving Africans ?

? I just hope I don't

Get more from this than you do ?

? I would love to tell you

That everything is fine ?

? You wanna be happy ?

? Well, get in line ?

? Yeah, this is almost

Musically incoherent at this point ?

? Y'all ain't never seen a comedy show

Like this in your f***ing life ?

? And for good reason ?

- ? It gets old after a few minutes ?

? You'll see ?

? Let's get this show going ?

? Let's get this show started

Okay ?

? One, two, three, four ?

So I was at the dentist the other day...

Yeah.

And nothing funny happened,

so I was like,

"Don't mention that on stage. "

I already f***ed it up.

I love you!

No, you f***ing don't.

You do not.

Haters gonna hate,

lovers gonna love.

You need to reject

both sides of the spectrum

to leave a... healthy middle.

I love the idea of you!

Stop participating.

Not a participatory thing

going on up here.

Trying to immortalize something

I've worked on for a long time.

Shut up!

I have not...

made my mind up about...

masturbation.

It's weird and I'm torn.

You know,

'cause on one hand, it feels good.

Did you not think

I was gonna use it, idiots?

It's not a prop.

It will be used intermittently.

Guys...

I've got a lot of problems in my life.

I wrote a song

about some of the problems in my life.

I hope that some of you can relate to it.

Here we go.

? Walking around

I got no one to talk to ?

? There's everyone ?

? And then there's just me ?

? If I could change

Don't you think that I'd do it ?

? God only knows

Why he cursed me to be ?

? A straight white man ?

? I state my problems ?

? Other people roll their eyes ?

? Three trips to the mall ?

? Zero khakis in my size ?

? I've never been the victim

Of a random search for drugs ?

? But you can't say

My life is easy ?

? Until you've walked a mile in my Uggs ?

? Straight white man ?

? I know the road looks tough ahead ?

? The women want rights ?

? The gays want kids ?

What?

? Can't you just leave us alone? ?

? And also

"No" to the things you asked for ?

They're being greedy

and they know it, okay?

? Everyone thinks that I've got it easy ?

? And just 'cause it's true ?

? Doesn't mean that it's right ?

? So pull up a chair ?

? And put down your pitchforks ?

? Give me a chance ?

? To show you what it is like ?

? To be a straight white man ?

? The churches never made me

Feel ashamed of who I am ?

? But I get emails from Zappos

That Gmail doesn't mark as spam ?

? My country's constitution

Was handwritten by my race ?

? But my wife bought me

The brand new iPhone ?

? With an iPod Touch's case ?

Case doesn't fit that phone.

? Straight white man ?

? I know the road looks tough ahead ?

? The women want rights ?

? The blacks want

Not to be called "the blacks" ?

Sorry.

? Can't you just leave us alone? ?

? Also, "no" to the things you asked for ?

? No ?

? Straight white man ?

? I know the road looks tough ahead ?

? The women want rights ?

? The African Amer- ?

? We used to have all the money and land ?

? And we still do

But it's not as fun now ?

Thank you.

If you were offended by that,

it was ironic.

Isn't that fun?

I meant the whole opposite of it.

White guys, it's easy to be a white guy.

Yeah!

Yeah, white guy, we deserve a...

cheer once in a while.

Very easy to be a white guy.

Very easy.

But white guys get a lot of sh*t

and it's not fair,

'cause we've done

a lot of things, you know?

We invented a lot of stuff.

White guys invented everything

but peanut butter, I believe.

That's what I was taught in school.

Everything but peanut butter.

Doesn't sound right,

but the American educational system

having a racial bias?

No way, Joseph.

Guys, white... white people

are a little uncomfortable.

We'll do a racial joke

about the white people

so you don't feel uncomfortable.

White people,

we like the same foods.

Favorite sandwich,

peanut butter and...

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