Make Happy Page #2

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- Jelly!

- ... jelly.

- Macaroni and...

- Cheese!

Our favorite chips,

salt and vi...

- ... negar!

- Wow!

Who said it?

Get the cameras on them.

Your grandkids are gonna see this,

know what a bigot

their grandfather or grandmother were.

Every non-white person,

see who said that,

find them after the show.

Put the lights down.

Their faces creep me out.

Guys, I'm not "perfect," okay?

I don't "use air quotes correctly,"

all right?

But I am against double standards

across the board.

Why is it...

that when a woman

wears revealing clothing,

she's labeled a slut,

yet if I were to wear

her skin as a jacket,

I'm a murderer?

What?

If I f*** a kid,

I'm a pedophile,

but if a kid fucks me,

I'm the pedophile again?

Twice in a week?

What is this?

Hey, Bo.

Do you want to sing a song with us?

- Great!

- That's all right.

- You'll figure it out.

- ? Hey, Bo, guess what? ?

- ? You're a f*ggot ?

Wasn't clever, it was just mean.

Bigoted.

I apologize for that.

So I was interrupted the other day

while my-

Hey, Bo.

- You want to sing another song together?

- Too bad.

? Hey, Bo, guess what? ?

- Correct!

It's not funny.

? You're a f*ggot, you're a f*ggot

You're a f***ing f*ggot ?

? You're a f*ggot, you're a f***ing... ?

Can you turn the lights off at least?

? You're a f*ggot, you're a f*ggot

You're a f***ing f*ggot... ?

Is this funny to you people?

Turn it off. Turn the track off!

Why was it on a record player?

You got a record player back there?

You have hooked up a record player?

You know,

it's one thing to make that,

but to press it onto vinyl

is a whole other thing, all right?

It's gonna outlive me.

Just to be clear,

I wrote, conceived and executed

the entirety of that bit.

Do not give those dumb fucks any credit.

It's all me, baby.

All me.

Look at you people

in the Abe Lincoln seats.

Bam! Too late.

Too late.

How dare you make that joke so late?

I'm a big fan of hip-hop.

'Cause I like words.

I like poetry.

And hip-hop feels like a way

to condense a lot of those things

into a short amount of time.

There are artists

that still do that. Uh...

Yeah, Kendrick Lamar,

very word-heavy, very poetic. But-

What are you doing?

Look, this is my show.

Do not veer credit

to people outside this building.

Most...

most...

Hip-hop artists, for me,

and it is for me, hip-hop,

has traded in words and poetry

for beat fetishism.

It's where you make a sick beat

and then you rap anything over it.

And people lose their minds.

I'll give you an example.

Is there a sick beat back there for me?

Oh, sh*t!

? I am not one of you ?

? I am not a human being ?

? You know what I am? ?

? I'm a little teapot

Short and stout ?

? Here is my handle

Here is my spout ?

? When I get all steamed up

Then I shout ?

? Sing it

Tip me over and... ?

- Pour me out!

- Let's go.

? Pour me out

Pour me out ?

? Tip me over

And pour me out ?

? Nigga, pour me out ?

? Pour me out ?

- ? Tip me over and pour me out ?

? Baa, baa, black sheep

Have you any wool? ?

? Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full ?

? One for the master, one for the dame ?

? One for the little boy

That's livin' down the lane ?

- ? Baa ?

? Lives down the lane ?

- ? Whoo! ?

- ? Lives down the lane ?

Why is there a young boy

living alone down the lane?

Who signed this boy's lease?

Am I the only one

concerned for this little boy?

Two examples is enough.

Okay, thank you.

A lesser comedian

would have milked that for four verses.

And a better comedian

wouldn't have done it all.

I'm right in the sweet spot.

These, uh...

These cannons cost $200,

just for that joke.

I could give that money

to a homeless person, make their day,

and I don't do that very often.

That is my first decision every morning.

Not today. Nah.

I'll do that tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes and it's still today.

Tomorrow's a relative term.

We're not getting there.

Annie

F*** you.

You don't know where I'm going.

Don't act like it.

You are not ahead of me.

I will retain the element of surprise.

I'm trying to work on my improv.

My show is very planned,

uh, to the word.

You know, to the gesture.

And I'm trying to break out of that.

I want to make something

brand new for every show,

that only a few people get to experience.

- What's your name, man?

- Rob.

Rob? All right.

I'm gonna try to make up a song

about Rob...

off the top of my head.

This might not work.

Um, it's just...

It's to keep me sharp, trying to...

I'm stalling,

trying to think of rhymes for Rob.

It's not fair.

Okay.

Song about Rob.

Hit the track.

F***.

? Bo had sex with... ?

- ? Rob's... ?

- ? Mom ?

? Bo had sex with... ?

- ? Rob's... ?

- ? Mom ?

Bo, I heard you had sex

with older woman last night.

I did.

- What's her son's name?

- ? Bo had sex with... ?

- ? Rob's... ?

- ? Mom ?

? Bo had sex with... ?

- ? Rob's... ?

- ? Mom ?

? I f***ed her for an hour

Then left when I was done ?

? 'Cause f***ing is her game

And Rob is her son ?

Did we plan that? We did not plan that.

How does he do it?

How does he pretend to do it?

How does he remain contrived?

I'm not... I'm not honest

for a second up here!

Honesty is for the birds, baby.

You want an honest comedian,

go see the rest of them, all right?

"This thing actually happened. "

Cool.

Whoo!

Boy, oh, boy.

Any big fans of country music out there?

Yeah.

Ooh, some people extending my name.

"Boo," that's also approval.

Uh, I think...

I think country music...

gets a bad rep.

You know, why is it that

when Bruce Springsteen

sings about a f***ing turnpike it is art,

and then when someone sings

about a horse,

it's dumb inherently?

I don't think...

I think some of the greatest songwriters

of all time are country artists.

Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson...

You know?

And if you're writing honestly,

that is art.

And I would never bash that.

Um, the problem is...

with a lot of modern country music,

what is called stadium country music,

the sort of Keith Urban brand

of country music,

is that it is not honest.

It is the exact opposite of honest.

Where instead of people

actually telling their stories,

you got a bunch

of millionaire metrosexuals

who've never done

a hard day's work in their life,

but they figured out the words

and the phrases they can use

to pander to their audience,

and they list the same words

and phrases off,

sort of mad-lib style in every song,

raking in millions of dollars

from actual working-class people.

You know the words.

You know the phrases.

Phrases like...

? A dirt road, a cold beer ?

? A blue jeans, a red pickup ?

? A rural noun, simple adjective ?

? No shoes, no shirt ?

? No Jews

You didn't hear that ?

Sort of a mental typo.

? I walk and talk like a field hand ?

? But the boots I'm wearing

Cost three grand ?

? I write songs about riding tractors ?

? From the comfort of a private jet ?

? I could sing in Mandarin ?

? You'd still know I'm pandering ?

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