Make Happy Page #3

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? Hunting deer, chasing trout ?

? A Bud Light with the logo facing out ?

? Hear that subtle mandolin ?

? That's textbook pandering ?

? I own a private ranch

That I rarely use ?

I don't like dirt.

One verse, one chorus in the bag.

Now it's time to talk to the ladies.

I'm hoping my Southern charm offsets

all these rape-y vibes I'm putting out.

? Good girl in a straw hat ?

? With her arms out in a cornfield ?

? That is a scarecrow ?

Thought it was a human woman.

Sorry.

? A cold night, a cold beer ?

? A cold jeans

Strike that last one ?

? I'm wanting you

I hope you're feeling me ?

Subtextually.

? We go to bed

You doze off ?

? So I take your country girl

Clothes off ?

? I put my hands on your body ?

? It feels like hay

It's a f***ing scarecrow again ?

? Like Mike's Evander-ing ?

? F*** your ears, I'm pandering ?

? I write songs for the people who do ?

? Jobs in the towns

That I'd never move to ?

? Legalize gerrymandering ?

? Tolerate my pandering ?

? You got a beautiful mouth ?

? I got a beautiful... ?

Y'all dumb motherfuckers

want a key change?

? Thematically meandering ?

? Emphatically pandering ?

? I got a tight grip on my demo's balls ?

? Say the word "truck"

They jizz in their overalls ?

? You don't know what land you're in ?

? I'm in the land of pandering ?

? And I'll be upfront ?

? I do what I do

'Cause I'm a total f***ing country boy ?

You know, like, that genre.

They're lying to you.

That's all.

They're lying...

Entertainers, they are lying

and they are manipulating you.

And it's not in a good way.

It's like advertising. You deserve better.

I'm not saying I'm it,

but I'm the guy that says

you deserve better.

You go get better.

You say, "Thank you, weird man. Bye. "

The Tonight Show,

It's the end of culture.

Culture's over, everybody.

We lost.

This is entertainment.

How is this entertainment?

People we've seen too much of

mouthing along to songs

we've heard too much of.

And this the bread and butter

of American television.

And it's always one of two things

on celebrity lip-syncing.

It's either a male celebrity lip-syncing

to a woman's song...

"But he's not... "

Or it's a rich, young white actress

ironically lip-syncing to a hip-hop song.

? F*** the police

Coming straight from the underground ?

Can you believe this song

was once an honest articulation

of class struggle?

F*** these people.

How dare they think

that them f***ing around

is worthy of your attention?

Them playing Pictionary?

Your attention's a valuable thing.

I worked for three years

to get it for an hour.

And I barely get there.

See?

I saw a gorgeous...

dick.

I was in the public restroom.

Some guys might be like me.

I cannot use a urinal

when there's a guy beside me.

I freeze up.

So I have to use the stalls.

In this case, all the stalls were taken.

I had to use a urinal.

There was a guy beside me.

I took a little look.

You're not picturing this.

All right.

The bit is over.

I'm not talking into his dick now.

I didn't rip off his dick.

And I'm now not talking

into a severed dick.

The show is a series of discrete bits.

That one's over.

God, if you don't get that...

Reset the momentum.

I cannot be coasting

off the inertia of past jokes.

Need to earn it.

Every bit should come out of a vacuum, eh?

We all want love.

How many single ladies out there

looking for love tonight?

Whoo!

Yeah. "Whoo" that sadness out.

There's more where that came from.

Ladies, I know what you want.

Want.

Want.

? You want a guy that's sweet

A guy that's tough ?

? A feminist who likes to pay for stuff ?

? The kinda guy that gets

Along with your friends ?

? Without being attracted to any of them ?

? A good boy, a bad boy, a good bad boy ?

? A half-good, half-bad half-boy ?

? Loves your brother

Sensitive but not weak ?

? And is a great lover

Calls your mother on the weekend ?

? Though you might think

That this guy only exists in your mind ?

? But guess what? ?

? You're right ?

? If you want love ?

? Lower your expectations a few ?

? Because Prince Charming

Would never settle for you ?

? If you want love ?

? Just pick a guy and love him ?

? And if he's got a thing for feet ?

? Say f*** it, sweep me off them ?

Now...

the good thing is that, uh...

At least men have very realistic

expectations for women...

he said, sarcastically setting up

a second verse in a comedy song.

? You want a girl that's nice

A girl that's not ?

? Obsessed with her looks

But is insanely hot ?

? The kind of girl that you can

Show to your folks ?

? Loves the movies that you like

And always laughs at your jokes ?

? A real girl, a hot girl,

A really hot girl ?

? A brand new really hot real doll ?

? Wants to impress you

Doesn't care if you notice ?

? And only ever uses you

To tickle her throat with ?

? Though you might think that this girl

Only exists in your mind ?

? But she's real

But last week, she died ?

? If you want love ?

? Lower your expectations a lot ?

? You might think your dick is a gift

I promise it's not ?

- ? If you want love ?

? Just pick a girl and love her ?

? Then whip out your dick and

Let the girl you love decline the offer ?

? I don't want a neat freak

I don't want a slob ?

? Somebody with bedhead

And a dead-end job ?

? 'Cause I won't settle for less ?

? Than perfect ?

? We want perfect children

A perfect life ?

? Perfect husband or a perfect wife ?

? But deep down, we know ?

? We don't deserve it ?

? But ?

? We all deserve love ?

? Even on the days

When we aren't our best ?

? 'Cause we all suck ?

? But love can make us suck less ?

? We all deserve love ?

? It's the very best part of being alive ?

? And I would know

I just turned 25 ?

That's young.

Original does not mean good.

Anyone can do anything.

Don't let me off the hook too easy.

? War, huh, good God, y'all ?

? What is it good for? ?

? Increasing domestic manufacturing ?

All right. Uh...

I don't want to get political

'cause I only know

my own ideas of other people's ideas.

We just played in Alabama.

They just like the lights.

I didn't even need to do jokes.

"Motherf***er's got moving candles. "

No, not quite.

Alabama was actually nice.

You're elitist pricks.

Isn't that fun?

Yeah, you like that.

And now...

what making a peanut butter

and jelly sandwich feels like

when you're high on marijuana.

And now...

what making a peanut butter

and jelly sandwich feels like...

when you're sh*t-faced.

Hey, baby, I'm home.

- Honey, you okay? What's wrong?

Are you drunk?

Have you been...

You've been drinking, haven't you?

You've been f***...

You're f***ing wasted, aren't...

- I can't hear you.

Speak into the microphone.

I'm not.

What's behind your back?

What're you holding behind your back?

- Just...

- Just don't be-

What is... what're you hiding

behind your back? Just show me.

It's a jar of peanut butter, all right?

Sue me.

That's mayonnaise.

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