Make Happy Page #4

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That is a jar of mayonnaise.

That is not peanut butter.

Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise?

Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise?

I'm not holding a jar of mayonnaise.

- You know what?

I am f***ing done with this sh*t, okay?

I had to get up at 5:00 a. m.

- I had to be at work at 6:00.

I had an exhausting day.

I just wanna come home,

unwind, relax,

and I come home to a mess

that I have to clean up-

- No, no! I will have to clean it up.

Because you'll make it worse

if you try to, okay?

- You know what?

I'm f***ing done with this.

- You are so immature.

- I cannot leave you alone

without you getting sh*t-faced.

This is what I deal with Monday through...

- Who are you talking to right now?

You just gestured to the sink.

- What does that mean?

Okay, you know what?

This bit is getting

a little too weird and meta.

Okay, we're done with it.

I agree.

Where's that going?

Sometimes you don't write an end to a bit,

so you skip it.

Before they know it,

you're on to the next thing.

Guys, I was at the store recently.

And, uh, no, I will save you time.

I bought something.

No, no, no, no. No.

Sit in silence.

Do you guys know

what continuity errors are?

It's where in one shot

something's one way,

in another shot it's another way.

You know those things?

Anyway...

This comedy performance

is brought to you in part by...

- ... Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

? Flamin' Hot Cheetos ?

? They're like regular Cheetos

But they're flamin' hot ?

? Normal Cheetos are for pussies ?

? But Flamin' Cheetos are not ?

? For pussies, that is ?

They're not sponsoring me.

I'm just trying to get them to.

They're not returning my calls.

Evasively cheesy is more like it.

Mmm. Label-less water.

Nothing tastes better

than not getting sued.

I, uh...

I don't love my fans.

I have to be...

I don't. You don't want that...

You don't want that desperate,

sort of cloying thing from an entertainer.

"My fans, oh,

they stick with me through everything,

through thick and thin. "

Do not stick with me through thick.

If I stop entertaining you,

throw me to the curb.

You wouldn't stick with your mechanic

if he stopped fixing your car.

I'm in a service industry.

I'm just overpaid, okay?

And a lot of...

I feel a lot of artists,

pop artists especially,

sort of infringe upon...

responsibilities that just aren't theirs,

in terms of their audience,

maintaining their audience

at an emotional level.

Some of you might be sad

and going through things.

I feel for that.

Life is tough.

I'm not gonna fix that with a song.

Like "Brave" or "Roar. "

You know these inspirational...

What I'm trying to say...

is don't listen to a song...

like this.

- ? Have you ever felt sad or lonely? ?

? Have you even felt two feet tall? ?

? Have you ever thought ?

? "Man, if only

I was anybody else at all"? ?

? They like to kick you

When times get rough ?

? Then you give your all

But it's not enough ?

? And sticks and stones

Might break your bones ?

? But words can break your heart ?

? But if you don't know where to go ?

? I'll show you where to start ?

- ? Kill yourself ?

? It will only take a minute

And you'll be happy that you did it ?

? Just go over to your oven

And shove your head in it ?

? Kill yourself ?

? Really, you should do it

There's really nothing to it ?

? Just grab a mug

And chug a cup of lighter fluid ?

Okay. Now...

I feel like you pulled back.

Maybe it's on account of the fact

that I'm telling you

to kill yourself over and over again.

I'm just trying to make a simple point.

That these... That life's toughest

problems don't have simple answers.

You shouldn't just be brave.

You shouldn't just roar.

You shouldn't kill yourself.

But I understand that...

it's a sensitive subject and you're

probably just hearing me say that.

And I've dealt with...

I don't want to be... Look.

? I sound un-empathetic ?

? I sound mean and rude ?

? Suicide is an epidemic ?

? And I don't want to be misconstrued ?

? Signs of depression go overlooked ?

? So if you're depressed ?

? Then you need to book

A therapy session ?

? Talk about your depression ?

? And let a professional hear it ?

? But if you search for moral wisdom ?

? In Katy Perry's lyrics, then ?

- ? Kill yourself ?

? It won't be painful

If you are able ?

? To give a little kiss

To an oncoming train ?

? You'll kill yourself ?

? It's over, mull it ?

? There's a trigger, pull it ?

? Get it through your head

"It" being a bullet ?

? Stick your tongue in a plug ?

? Suck a pipe of exhaust ?

? Make some toast in the tub ?

? Nail yourself to a cross ?

? Hold your breath 'til it's gone ?

? Drink a gallon of Mace ?

? Be gay in Iran ?

- ? Let Oprah sit on your face ?

? Jump off of a bridge ?

? Skinny dip in a flood ?

? Skydive attached to a fridge ?

? Drink a Haitian guy's blood ?

? Break into the zoo ?

? Give the tiger a shove ?

? Eat a Phillips-head screw ?

- ? Marry Courtney Love ?

Sorry.

Don't kill yourself.

I don't like explaining jokes that...

The joke where I tell everyone

to kill themselves

might deserve an explanation. Do not!

And if you're offended,

do not write a blog.

I apologize immediately.

Sorry! Right away!

Whoo!

What's that, ma'am?

What did you say?

This is your moment. Who said it?

Take your pants off!

Do not objectify me, okay?

You think it's okay

just 'cause I'm a dude?

Do it!

You think it's okay

'cause he's a dude?

That is homophobia.

Just the fact that you find it funny.

"Ooh, a guy said take off your pants.

That's not God's way. "

Jesus Christ, you bigots.

I, uh...

Show's been pretty rock and roll so far.

You know, I know it.

And I...

I'd love to keep it going,

but life is not always rock and roll.

I'm not gonna keep life out of my show.

I went through a pretty rough...

uh, breakup recently.

It was a long time coming.

Uh, we had a lot of conversations

about it, she and I.

But recently we had the conversation...

It wasn't recent, but I remember it

like it was yesterday, you know?

She came out of the shower,

her hair wet, her shoulders wet.

It was a shower. It's water.

She turned to me and she said it...

She said...

? It's over ?

? We shouldn't fight to stay together

Just to fight again ?

? It's over

We're unhappy ?

? We need to take a break

From us to make us right again ?

? And even though it's not gonna go

Any further ?

? I swear I don't regret a second of it ?

? And when the dust has settled ?

? I hope we can still be friends ?

Then I said...

? Eat a dick ?

? Eat a f***ing dick, like this ?

? Put on your dick-eating gloves ?

? Get ready to gobble a dick up ?

? If you don't like this dick sitch ?

? Eat a dick, b*tch ?

I think I made the right decision.

? Okay, you're angry ?

? I can see that ?

? But you don't need to make this harder

Than it has to be ?

? I try to speak to you ?

? But you won't listen- ?

? Eat a dick ?

? Hold on

Please just let me- ?

? Eat a dick ?

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