Make Happy Page #5

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Oh, my God.

? Honestly, are you f***ing five? ?

? I am trying to talk this out ?

? You refuse to even listen to me ?

I'm saying

how I'm feeling, okay?

And then you're saying...

"eat a dick" over and over again.

Does that seem mature to you?

? No, it doesn't

But see, I think the issue is ?

? I've got my father's temper ?

? And I'm emotionally inarticulate ?

? So rather than being honest

And vulnerable ?

? I did a quick switch

Because I'm hurting inside ?

? And I'm trying to hide it

So eat a dick, man ?

I thought we had

a future together, you f***ing whore.

? I didn't think

You'd cry for me ?

? I didn't think you cared ?

? I thought you were

Lashing out in anger ?

? But now I see you're scared ?

? I'm scared, too ?

? Maybe we can work this out ?

? And not break up ?

Really?

? No, lick my clit ?

? Lick my motherfucking clit ?

? You think three lousy tears ?

? Offsets three years of sh*t? ?

? I deserve better than you ?

? Get me wetter, then screw ?

? Sorry you're not what I need, hun ?

? Lick this clit then leave, son ?

Hey, if you guys are having a good time,

make some silence.

Cool.

Uh...

What's this show about?

What am I talking about, you know?

To... to summarize the show, though...

Me! Me! Me!

But...

if you take one thing away from my show...

I hope it's a T-shirt.

We're selling them out there.

This is all a front for the brand.

But what is this show about?

What do you think, industrial piping?

Close.

Stay out of it.

It's about...

Mute this.

But for real, what is it about?

It's about...

performing...

I try to...

...make my show about other things,

but it always ends up

becoming about performing.

I started performing very young,

as a teenager, you know, professionally.

And as a comedian,

what you're supposed to do...

You're supposed to talk

about what you know.

And what I knew always was performing.

So to talk about...

traffic or laundry

felt incredibly disingenuous.

But I worried that making a show

about performing would be too meta.

It wouldn't be relatable to people

that aren't performers.

But what I found is that

I don't think anyone isn't.

Could we get the house lights up

for a second? And could you...

Let the lights on stage...

Let the artifice fade away.

Now we're all the same.

I mean, you're all facing this way still.

You know, I look out at...

I look out at you and, um...

It's a very diverse crowd.

I mean, more European

than I would've hoped, but...

we'll get there.

If I look at the young people...

You know, and I feel like...

I was born in 1990

and I was sort of raised in America

when it was a cult of self-expression.

And I was just taught,

you know, express myself

and have things to say

and everyone will care about them.

And I think everyone was taught that

and most of us found out

no one gives a sh*t what we think.

So we flock to performers

by the thousands

'cause we're the few

that have found an audience.

And then I'm supposed to get up here

and say, "Follow your dreams,"

as if this is a meritocracy?

It is not, okay?

I had a privileged life

and I got lucky and I'm unhappy.

They say it's... it's like

the me generation. It's not.

It's not...

The arrogance is taught

or it was cultivated.

It's... it's self-conscious.

That's what it is. It's the...

It's conscious of self...

Social media...

it's just the market's answer

to a generation that demanded to perform.

So the market said,

"Here, perform everything

to each other all the time

for no reason. "

It's prison, it's horrific.

It is performer and audience

melded together.

What do we want more than to lie

in our bed at the end of the day

and just watch our life

as a satisfied audience member?

I know very little about anything,

but what I do know is that

if you can live your life

without an audience...

you should do it.

And now you're thinking...

"How the f*** are you gonna dig the show

out of this weird hole?"

Oh, you want me to be funny

and make a point?

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Batman. So... how do we do it?

We do it like this.

I went to Kanye West's recent tour,

the Yeezus Tour.

It was a big, dramatic, theatrical show.

He did something very strange

at the end of his show

where he ranted...

for, like, 20 minutes.

It was kind of a rant,

kind of a song.

He had auto-tune on his voice

and there was an instrumental

in the background...

...like this instrumental.

He talked about his problems...

race...

power.

His $90 T-shirts

weren't selling very well.

That was most of it.

And I watched this.

I thought maybe I could do this.

I'll be honest, my problems

are not as high-stakes as Kanye's,

but I have problems.

And maybe a crowd in New York

would be nice enough to indulge me.

So as we get to the end

of a night of theater...

and comedy

and sweaters coming on and off,

I got one question for you...

And that question is...

? Can I say my sh*t, New York? ?

? Can I say my sh*t? ?

? I got lots of sh*t to say ?

? I can't fit my hand

Inside a Pringle can ?

? I have a huge amount of trouble

Fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can ?

? I can get my hand

Like four inches into the can ?

? But then I have to tilt the can

Into my mouth ?

? But by that point a bunch of crumbs have

Accumulated at the bottom of the can ?

? So they all go

Spilling onto my face ?

? What I'm trying to say

Is the diameter of Pringle cans ?

? Is way too small ?

? I'll say it again ?

? The diameter of Pringle cans

Is way too small ?

? Two radiuses of a Pringle can

Is way too small ?

? If you feel me

Put your hands up ?

? Come on ?

? If you feel me

Put your hands up ?

? Look at all these hands

That are way too big ?

? To fit inside a Pringle can ?

? Your hands are too big

To fit inside of Pringle cans ?

? Your hands are too big

To fit inside a Pringle can ?

? You think you can ?

? I know you can't

You think you can ?

? Pringles, listen to the people ?

? I'm sure 90%

Of the complaint letters you get ?

? Are about the width of your cans ?

Just... make 'em wider.

I've overdone the Pringles thing.

Sorry.

? I wanna have a daughter ?

? Wanna have a daughter ?

? So I can finally have

Someone around the house ?

? Who can fit their hands

In a Pringle can ?

? Yes, I'm still

On the Pringle cans thing ?

Yeah.

I'll... I'll move on, all right?

? But that is priority numero uno ?

? I don't go to the gym ?

? 'Cause I'm self-conscious

About my body ?

?... body... ?

? But I'm self-conscious

About my body ?

? 'Cause I don't go to the gym ?

? Irony can be so painful ?

? That's a catch-22 ?

? Let's do this ?

? I went to Chipotle ?

? Went to Chipotle ?

? Got myself a chicken burrito ?

? I went down the line

I got, like, all these ingredients ?

? And then at the end of the line

The guy tried to wrap the burrito ?

? But half of the sh*t

Inside the burrito spilled out ?

? He still wrapped it ?

? I was, like

"Dude, you should have warned me ?

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