Maktub Page #3

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It's a crown.

The crown of a king.

You can put it around your neck

and everyone will know

that you're a king.

Gimme your hand.

Only special people have one.

It's not for just anyone.

And if you meet someone

who has one just like it,

you'll know that person

is special like you.

Sweetheart.

Your mom's coming.

Go to your room, quickly!

How did it go?

Did he wake up?

No, he's sleeping soundly.

- How was your evening?

- These blind dates aren't for me.

He sends me a photo of Raj Kapoor

and a loan shark turns up.

You're better off

without those goofballs.

Stay. Let's watch a movie.

No, I can't,

I have a busy day tomorrow.

Thanks, Chuma.

I know you don't have to do this.

Nonsense,

what else am I gonna do?

- Okay then, bye.

- Bye.

Is it okay that I'm blond

or do you prefer dark hair?

I didn't say, I'm Freddy.

Yes, I'm not from here.

Excuse me.

From Netanya?

That's a great city.

There's a port, isn't there?

Take me to the Chechen's room!

I'll call you back.

What's this stench?

Seems to be the stench of a corpse.

He hasn't been there in a while.

How do you know?

The fridge reeked like a carcass.

It wasn't working for three days.

There was this huge fish in there,

he wouldn't have let it go bad.

I bet he wanted to smoke it.

Are you hungry, bro?

Motherf***er.

The European guy that works there

said he hasn't seen him.

- You want me to deal with him?

- No.

So what are you saying?

My gut tells me

he bailed with the money,

- to Chechnya.

- Your gut won't stop talking.

What can I do?

I wanted to eat a pastry,

but the place was closed.

How did he take off to Chechnya

if we have his passport?

With the money he had,

he could print passports

for the entire family.

I bet he's eating a seven course meal

as we speak.

Just my luck. I never win anything.

Not even free french fries.

You look nice,

and the eyeliner came out perfect.

Go to hell.

I don't even get why I'm doing this.

What don't you get?

This way you can see

who put the note in.

That I get,

but why am I a woman?

Because a man can't enter

the women's section!

You only want to get men's notes?

That's inequality.

There.

Did you see her? Go for it.

You mean the one

with the baskets, right?

No! What's wrong with you?

I mean the pretty one.

Pretty? Did you forget

what we're here for?

That old lady needs more help

than the pretty one.

What? Look how strong she is!

Besides, so what if she's striking,

doesn't she deserve our help?

Even the pretty ones

have troubles you know.

You can't discriminate like that.

I'm going in.

Thank you.

"Dear God,

soon my little Boris

is have a Bar Mitzvah.

Soon?

Boris is sensitive and talented boy,

he play the violin very good.

He is genius.

Lately children is

beating him up in school

and he be sad.

I am asks of you

that we manage to make him

big Bar Mitzvah celebration

so that friends will likes him.

I raise him alone, I have no money.

Thanks you, Doniasha Baltov."

Sad, huh?

F*** this bra!

Help me get it off!

What's the problem?

It's stuck. Why is the clasp in back?

- Give it here, kebab fingers.

- It doesn't make sense.

It's hard.

Relax!

Relax! Let me do it.

How's it going?

Nice day, isn't it?

Why are you in a costume?

What do you care?

Don't talk back!

What's with the costume?

Are you a prostitute?

We've been getting complaints.

No, officer, he's not a prostitute.

It's his regular outfit.

Yeah, I like dressing like this. So?

Yeah, you want to arrest him

because he's a tranny?

What?

Yes, I'm a tranny.

And this is my boyfriend,

he's in the closet.

Shut up! That's disgusting!

Stop!

Get the hell outta here

before I take you in.

BALTOV:

Hello.

We have to talk.

Boris, go play in your room.

Are you the repo men?

I'm all paid up, I have proof.

No, not at all,

we're here to help.

We... organize Bar Mitzvahs

and the name of your son, Boris,

came up in the raffle.

You won!

We'll... organize the event for free.

We're only here to... you know...

find out how many guests,

what kinds of salad you want...

This must be mistake,

I didn't sign up for raffle,

we don't have money

for big party.

No, it's free.

You were automatically signed up.

City hall holds a raffle

for all the 13 year old residents.

Show her the letter you wrote, Chuma.

The letter... you printed...

that they wrote.

I printed it out.

"Congratulations,

Boris won a free Bar Mitzvah

from the city of Jerusalem."

I can't believe it,

I never won a thing.

So, you're sneaking around

like a thief?

Lizo, how's it going?

Is that from Steve?

Yes.

Come in for coffee.

- Is that fennel?

- You like?

- I don't know.

- Watch it, dude.

No, sure, it's delicious. Yum.

It's just that,

it has such a dominant flavor,

you have to go easy on it.

As you please.

What?

Listen, even if he ever

gets over his stupid issues

and comes to his senses,

I'm not sure Avisar will want to see him.

It's hard for him,

you know about his past.

Whatever.

One day he'll be here.

My grandmother says that emotions

are like udders,

the cow provides milk

only when it wants to,

no need to press.

That's lovely.

Thank you. From Grandma.

KURCHALOY, CHECHNYA

I haven't seen the bastard

in five years.

She says he hasn't been here

in five years.

I got it.

The sh*t asks if he sent something,

maybe money.

Five years I haven't seen

a hair from his balls!

- Do you believe her?

- She spit, didn't she?

He ripped us off

and bailed to America.

I totally get the guy.

Look at this dump.

Is this any place to raise a family?

Where's the kindergarten?

Where's the school?

What if you want to make pizza

with the kids after school?

Where's the ambulance station?

What if the kid falls

and splits his chin open?

The ambulance?

Stop bustin' my chops.

Let's look for the Cyclops.

- Fine...

- Don't "fine" me, let's go!

- Crispy snacks.

- What's that?

I made us a list to end all lists.

I want to throw that Boris Yeltsin

a Bar Mitzvah as if he were my son.

What?

Nothing, you hate when I mention it.

Then why do you mention it?

Because you have to hear it.

"As if he were my son..."

You have a son that you don't even know!

You starting with me again?

Yes. Shame on you.

If your late mother knew about this,

she'd die all over again.

- Stop the car.

- No.

- I said, stop the car!

- No.

Stop the car or I'll shove the sandwich

up your ass!

The truth hurts, doesn't it?

Get the hell outta my face.

Okay, get in. I'm sorry.

So now you're not talking to me?

I'll only talk to you

about professional matters.

Okay.

So when you throw a party

for a small Russian family

that I bet doesn't have many guests,

and that Boris plays the violin,

he's European...

Of course.

You think I'd let him forget his roots?

What is this?

What can you do? Boris is Israeli.

This is how Israelis celebrate.

He's a genius musician,

he mustn't let anyone spoil that.

Mama, did you see the donkey?

I never imagined a Bar Mitzvah like this

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