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Mallrats
- R
- Year:
- 1995
- 94 min
- 2,138 Views
One time, my cousin Walter got
this cat stuck in his ass. True story.
He bought it at our local mall,
so the whole fiasco wound up on the news.
It was embarrassing for my relatives
but, the next week, he did it again.
Different cat, same results,
with another trip to the emergency room.
I run into him a week later
I says to him 'Jesus, Walt,
what're you doing?''
''You're gonna get this cat stuck in your
ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?''
He said to me ''Brodie, how the hell else
am I supposed to get the gerbil out?''
Brandi Svenning, come on down.
I'm taking your ass to Florida.
Let's go. Where's your luggage?
Come on, the plane leaves in an hour.
- TS, did you see Julie Dwyer last night?
- Yeah, at the video store.
on your dad's stupid game show.
- 0h, my God. He's not here, is he?
- Yeah, he's inside.
TS, did you tell her that every time
you're on TV, you look 10lb heavier?
Uh...
Well, yeah. I told her that
the way that TV shows are shot...
..can make you look a lot
fatter than you really are.
What'd she do? Call up and cancel?
No. Not exactly.
TS, you know that Julie
had a huge weight problem in school.
She had the fattest ass.
And when you said that to her,
she went straight up to the YMCA...
..and just started doing laps because
she wanted to be fit for the show tonight.
And, well, in the middle
of her 700th lap,...
her brain and she dropped dead.
Right in mid-backstroke.
She's f***ing dead?
Then her sister told her parents
why she was doing all the laps...
..and it got back to my father and...
Sh*t, TS, he's really pissed at you.
I mean, it's awful
about Julie's death and...
..now he doesn't even have
a female contestant for his show.
- Can't you calm him down?
- I've done that.
- Thank God. How?
- I told him I'd do the show.
Good. What?!
Wait a minute. No, no.
We're leaving for Florida.
- TS, I can't go. I've gotta stay here.
- No, no, no.
I've got something planned for Florida.
No, we gotta go.
I'm doing this to get you
out of trouble with my father,...
..help him out of a bind which, you know,
you kind of are a little responsible for.
I bet he's happy that
you're not going away with me.
Are you kidding?
He's absolutely devastated about Julie.
I can't believe you.
Brandi, the guy hates me.
You know, I bet he sees this tragedy...
..as an opportunity to keep
you from going away with me.
Would you calm down?
Sometimes I forget you're such
a daddy's girl. It makes me sick.
Well, you know what I think's sick?
This relationship.
We weren't gonna do this make-up,
break-up sh*t any more.
You can just forget about making up.
You are exactly like my father.
It's always about what you need,
what you've got planned.
''Screw everybody else.
My sh*t is more important.''
You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed
as he is. You have so much in common,...
..I think you should date each other.
Brandi! Brandi, wait!
Sweet f***ing Christ,
would you knock it off?
- God!
- What?
- What time is it?
- 9.30.
Man, go back to sleep!
- What the hell are you doing?
- Finishing my game.
- You promised me breakfast.
- Breakfast-schmreckfast.
Look at the score. I'm only in the middle
of the second and I'm winning 12-2.
Breakfasts come and go, Rene.
Now, Hartford, the Whale,...
..they only beat Vancouver once,
maybe twice in a lifetime.
- You hit the bathroom already?
- Don't worry, your mother didn't see me.
- Who's worried?
- Are you kidding me?
I've never met anyone who lives in
as much fear of his mother as you do.
- I do not.
- So that's why I have to sneak in here...
..after everyone's asleep
and sneak out in the morning?
You want I should tell
my mother what we do in here?
That you play video games
and I fall asleep unfulfilled?
Go ahead. It beats
the sneaking-around sh*t.
- What can I say if she doesn't like you?
- You've never even introduced me to her.
Cos you're always
in the goddamn bathroom.
What the hell do you do in there?
- I asked, didn't I?
I'm playing the role of the concerned guy.
I cry.
- You cry.
- I cry.
Any particular reason?
- Hey!
make decisions that affect our lives.
The doctors who make
advancements in curing diseases.
The engineer that designs skyscrapers.
- The guy that maps out a flight path.
- The navigator.
I think about how those people
..making a difference, leading big lives,...
..and how they refuse to be intimidated by
the tremendous odds of failure they face.
And how they only concern
themselves with company...
..that applies to their noble causes.
Jesus, I'd hate to tell you what
I think about when I'm in the bathroom.
I think about all that and I cry,...
..because I have nothing
better to do than f*** you.
You're dumping me?!
Is this because I didn't
introduce you to my mother?
You're a fickle broad.
Holy sh*t. If it isn't mon frre.
Touch not, lest ye be touched.
- You're such an anal-retentive bastard.
- I tried to teach you about comics...
..but, oh, no, you wanted
to play Little League instead.
- What's that?
- Like it? I framed it before you got here.
- My God. Rene dumped you.
- Hell hath no fury...
..like a woman scorned for a Sega.
Wow, look at this
laundry list of complaints.
You have no direction,
no college ambition, no job prospects...
It also says I have no dick.
But that follows the financial question,...
..proving again what women really look for.
- Wow, she calls you ''callow'' in here.
- You say that like it's bad.
- It means frightened and weak-willed.
- Really?
Sh*t. That was the only part
of the letter I thought was complimentary.
Ah, well, you're lucky.
Unlike you, I didn't even get
a letter filled with obscure adjectives.
- What are you telling me here?
- I too, now, am in the framing business.
- Aren't you supposed to go to Florida?
- Yeah. Shoulda left this morning.
- Where?
- 0n the Universal tour.
You're kidding! What part?
- When Jaws pops out of the water.
That's the most romantic thing
I've ever heard.
Too bad I'm not tryin' to marry you.
Let me ask you something.
Did you ever fart in front of her?
- Why do you ask?
- I never once farted in front of Rene.
Then last week, I let one slip.
Today she dumps me.
You think that that's why Rene dumped
you? She's not the shallow type, Brodie.
- She was goin' down on me.
- Shut up!
What? What can I say?
I was feeling very relaxed.
When I'm relaxed, I squirt.
If all she did was dump you,
you got off light.
I can't believe this sh*t. Why are we here
tryin' to figure out where we went wrong?
- We just nailed it in your case.
- No, there is something...
..that can help ease our double loss.
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"Mallrats" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 6 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/mallrats_13230>.
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