Mallrats

One time, my cousin Walter got

this cat stuck in his ass. True story.

He bought it at our local mall,

so the whole fiasco wound up on the news.

It was embarrassing for my relatives

but, the next week, he did it again.

Different cat, same results,

with another trip to the emergency room.

I run into him a week later

and he's buying another cat.

I says to him 'Jesus, Walt,

what're you doing?''

''You're gonna get this cat stuck in your

ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?''

He said to me ''Brodie, how the hell else

am I supposed to get the gerbil out?''

My cousin was a weird guy.

Brandi Svenning, come on down.

I'm taking your ass to Florida.

Let's go. Where's your luggage?

Come on, the plane leaves in an hour.

- TS, did you see Julie Dwyer last night?

- Yeah, at the video store.

She was talking about being

on your dad's stupid game show.

- 0h, my God. He's not here, is he?

- Yeah, he's inside.

TS, did you tell her that every time

you're on TV, you look 10lb heavier?

Uh...

Well, yeah. I told her that

the way that TV shows are shot...

..can make you look a lot

fatter than you really are.

What'd she do? Call up and cancel?

No. Not exactly.

TS, you know that Julie

had a huge weight problem in school.

She had the fattest ass.

And when you said that to her,

she went straight up to the YMCA...

..and just started doing laps because

she wanted to be fit for the show tonight.

And, well, in the middle

of her 700th lap,...

..this embolism popped in

her brain and she dropped dead.

Right in mid-backstroke.

She's f***ing dead?

Then her sister told her parents

why she was doing all the laps...

..and it got back to my father and...

Sh*t, TS, he's really pissed at you.

I mean, it's awful

about Julie's death and...

..now he doesn't even have

a female contestant for his show.

- Can't you calm him down?

- I've done that.

- Thank God. How?

- I told him I'd do the show.

Good. What?!

Wait a minute. No, no.

We're leaving for Florida.

- TS, I can't go. I've gotta stay here.

- No, no, no.

I've got something planned for Florida.

No, we gotta go.

I'm doing this to get you

out of trouble with my father,...

..help him out of a bind which, you know,

you kind of are a little responsible for.

I bet he's happy that

you're not going away with me.

Are you kidding?

He's absolutely devastated about Julie.

I can't believe you.

Brandi, the guy hates me.

You know, I bet he sees this tragedy...

..as an opportunity to keep

you from going away with me.

Would you calm down?

You're being a complete ass.

Sometimes I forget you're such

a daddy's girl. It makes me sick.

Well, you know what I think's sick?

This relationship.

We weren't gonna do this make-up,

break-up sh*t any more.

You can just forget about making up.

You are exactly like my father.

It's always about what you need,

what you've got planned.

''Screw everybody else.

My sh*t is more important.''

You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed

as he is. You have so much in common,...

..I think you should date each other.

Brandi! Brandi, wait!

Sweet f***ing Christ,

would you knock it off?

- God!

- What?

- What time is it?

- 9.30.

Man, go back to sleep!

- What the hell are you doing?

- Finishing my game.

- You promised me breakfast.

- Breakfast-schmreckfast.

Look at the score. I'm only in the middle

of the second and I'm winning 12-2.

Breakfasts come and go, Rene.

Now, Hartford, the Whale,...

..they only beat Vancouver once,

maybe twice in a lifetime.

- You hit the bathroom already?

- Don't worry, your mother didn't see me.

- Who's worried?

- Are you kidding me?

I've never met anyone who lives in

as much fear of his mother as you do.

- I do not.

- So that's why I have to sneak in here...

..after everyone's asleep

and sneak out in the morning?

You want I should tell

my mother what we do in here?

That you play video games

and I fall asleep unfulfilled?

Go ahead. It beats

the sneaking-around sh*t.

- What can I say if she doesn't like you?

- You've never even introduced me to her.

Cos you're always

in the goddamn bathroom.

What the hell do you do in there?

- You really wanna know?

- I asked, didn't I?

I'm playing the role of the concerned guy.

I cry.

- You cry.

- I cry.

Any particular reason?

- Hey!

I think about people that

make decisions that affect our lives.

The doctors who make

advancements in curing diseases.

The engineer that designs skyscrapers.

- The guy that maps out a flight path.

- The navigator.

I think about how those people

are out there every day...

..making a difference, leading big lives,...

..and how they refuse to be intimidated by

the tremendous odds of failure they face.

And how they only concern

themselves with company...

..that applies to their noble causes.

Jesus, I'd hate to tell you what

I think about when I'm in the bathroom.

I think about all that and I cry,...

..because I have nothing

better to do than f*** you.

You're dumping me?!

Is this because I didn't

introduce you to my mother?

You're a fickle broad.

Holy sh*t. If it isn't mon frre.

Usual vault rules apply.

Touch not, lest ye be touched.

- You're such an anal-retentive bastard.

- I tried to teach you about comics...

..but, oh, no, you wanted

to play Little League instead.

- What's that?

- Like it? I framed it before you got here.

- My God. Rene dumped you.

- Hell hath no fury...

..like a woman scorned for a Sega.

Wow, look at this

laundry list of complaints.

You have no direction,

no college ambition, no job prospects...

It also says I have no dick.

But that follows the financial question,...

..proving again what women really look for.

- Wow, she calls you ''callow'' in here.

- You say that like it's bad.

- It means frightened and weak-willed.

- Really?

Sh*t. That was the only part

of the letter I thought was complimentary.

Ah, well, you're lucky.

Unlike you, I didn't even get

a letter filled with obscure adjectives.

- What are you telling me here?

- I too, now, am in the framing business.

Holy sh*t! Brandi dumped you.

- Aren't you supposed to go to Florida?

- Yeah. Shoulda left this morning.

I was gonna propose to her.

- Where?

- 0n the Universal tour.

You're kidding! What part?

- When Jaws pops out of the water.

That's the most romantic thing

I've ever heard.

Too bad I'm not tryin' to marry you.

Let me ask you something.

Did you ever fart in front of her?

- Why do you ask?

- I never once farted in front of Rene.

Then last week, I let one slip.

Today she dumps me.

You think that that's why Rene dumped

you? She's not the shallow type, Brodie.

- She was goin' down on me.

- Shut up!

What? What can I say?

I was feeling very relaxed.

When I'm relaxed, I squirt.

If all she did was dump you,

you got off light.

I can't believe this sh*t. Why are we here

tryin' to figure out where we went wrong?

- We just nailed it in your case.

- No, there is something...

..that can help ease our double loss.

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