Mallrats Page #2

- Ritual suicide.

- No, you idiot, the f***in' mall!

- I prefer ritual suicide.

- Come on, it'll be great.

They got these new cookies

at the cookie stand. They're awesome.

I love the smell of commerce

in the morning!

- You're really makin' that last.

- Waste not, want not.

- You wanna say something?

- A million things!

But I can't express myself monosyllabically

enough for you to understand 'em all.

- A**hole.

- Prick.

- What was that all about?

- That's the jerk from Fashionable Male,...

..this wannabe shop on the second floor.

He's the manager. The guy's always

givin' me sh*t. I have no idea why.

- I thought everybody loved you here.

- Eff him.

- Where do you wanna go first?

- Back to Brandi's.

Look, Brandi is the past, my friend.

She's behind you now.

You face forward, or you face

the possibility of shock and damage.

- You should heed your own advice.

- Where the hell did that come from?

Looks like a stage is being erected.

- What is this monstrosity?

- Is it the Easter Bunny pictures?

Impossible! That's at

the other end of the mall.

It's been up since two days

after Christmas. I want answers.

Ask one of the workers.

No, no, no. There's a soul

who might know what's up.

Willam.

- Willam!

- Uh-uh-uh... poopy trim.

Brodie, man. What's goin' on?

Do you work here now?

- No, man. Just hangin' with TS.

- 0h, TS.

- Willam, what are you doing?

- Looking for the hidden picture.

If you stare at these things long enough,

you're supposed to see a hidden picture.

- 0h, yeah, look! It's a sailboat.

- You saw it too? Damn it!

- What?

- I've been staring at this for a week,...

..and I can't see a goddamn thing!

- You gotta relax your eyes.

- Everyone sees this thing except me.

Today's my day.

I brought lunch and a soda,...

..and I'm not gonna leave until I see

this sailboat everyone talks about.

So, Willam.

Do you know what this

stage business is all about?

It's not a stage! I'm gonna see it

if I have to go blind trying.

No, man. This stage over here.

a game show in the mall today.

I think it's gonna be on TV.

It's called Truth or Date or something.

- That's Brandi's father's game show!

- What is it?

This cheesy Dating Game

rip-off for college kids.

Trying to capture

the '90s youth market with '70s television.

Man, why can't they bring back or

remake good shows, like BJ and the Bear?

There's a concept I like,

a man and his monkey.

Would you guys shut up?

You're breaking my concentration.

- Sorry, Willam.

- Now I have to start all over again.

- Good luck with that thing, Willam.

- Yeah, man. Remember, relax your eyes.

- Wow, a sailboat.

- Shut up.

Could this week get any worse? Now she's

gonna be auctioned off on TV from a mall.

Not a mall. The mall. Show some respect.

It doesn't have to go down

like that if we trash the thing.

There's a unique way of getting back in

her good graces - ruin her father's show.

I can get someone to do it for us. We'll be

blame-free and Brandi will miss the show.

- Who is this imaginary hatchet man?

- Hatchet men.

Knock it off!

Kitty, kitty, kitty!

- Hey, Jay!

- Brodie, man. Nootchy nootchies.

And look at this sh*t!

The mad fat-chick killer.

- I can't believe how fast word travels.

- Excellent. What's he doing?

Shithead watched

Empire and Jedi last week.

He's been trying to do

the Jedi mind trick.

Thinks he can levitate sh*t

with his thoughts. Knock it off!

- ''The Force is strong with this one.''

- Don't encourage him.

I was just saying we gotta find

Jay and Silent Bob.

If anyone can help us out, it's the two

guys who have less to do than us.

Everyone's lookin' for us today.

We're duckin' Tricia.

She wants to talk to

- Why him?

- Silent Bob's an electrical genius.

He won the school science fair by turning

his mom's vibrator into a CD player.

Motherf***er's like MacGyver.

Better than MacGyver.

- Knock it off!

- It's that kind of smarts we need, right?

Leave me out of this.

We need you to go on a little sabotage

mission on behalf of TS's love life.

You know about this game show

thing going on here?

We need you to somehow

ensure that it doesn't happen.

- Is that it? We were doing that anyway.

- Why?

What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob

stole a schematic of the stage...

..and found a weakness,

just like the Death Star.

He figures you pull this crossbeam out,

bickety-bam! The stage crashes down.

We were thinkin' about somethin' simple,

but if you prefer that, we're all for it.

- 0nly problem is LaFours.

- Who's LaFours?

You don't know who LaFours is?

He's the most feared security guard in

the business. 460 collars, all convicted.

- I hear he's even got two kills.

- Holy sh*t.

I never thought I'd see two such highly

reputable mischief-makers as yourselves...

..douse their drawers at the sight

of a mall security guard.

Sh*t, b*tch. We're gonna

bust up that stage.

We're gonna outwit LaFours X-Men-style.

- Should I call you Logan, Weapon X?

- No, Wolverine. Snicky snicky snoine!

He's imitating Wolverine's berserker

attack with his adamantium claws.

- I never would have guessed.

- All right. Go forth and wreak havoc.

Bye, baby kitties.

Damn, Silent Bob. Show some heart.

That's better. We're on the job.

Thanks.

I'm shocked

you didn't try to dissuade them.

Huh! I would if I thought

for a second they could pull it off.

Want a cookie?

What's he doing?

If you stare at this poster,

a hidden picture appears.

Can we do it? Please? Please?

All right, go ahead.

But hurry. The Easter Bunny's waiting.

Wow, it's a schooner!

You dumb bastard!

It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat.

A schooner is a sailboat, stupid-head.

You know what?!

There is no Easter Bunny!

- But they're engaged.

- Doesn't matter. It can't happen.

- Why not? It's bound to come up.

- Lois could never have Superman's baby.

You think her Fallopian tubes

could handle the sperm?

I guarantee he blows a load

like a shotgun through her back.

Is her womb strong enough

to carry his child?

- Sure. Why not?

- He's an alien, for Christ's sake.

His Kryptonian biological make-up

is enhanced by Earth's sun.

If Lois gets a tan, the kid

could kick through her stomach.

enough uterus to carry his kid.

He could only bang regular chicks with a

kryptonite condom but that would kill him.

I've gone from Floridian sex with Brandi to

man-of-steel debates in the food court.

- Cookie stand is not in the food court.

- 0f course it is.

The food court is downstairs. We're

upstairs. This isn't quantum physics.

This is an eatery.

Eateries make up the food court.

Bullshit. Eateries in the designated square

downstairs qualify as food court.

Anything outside of

said designated square...

..is considered an autonomous unit

for mid-mall snacking.

If you're gonna wax intellectual

about the subject...

Holy sh*t.

- Wait here.

- Where are you goin'?

Cherchez la femme.

- That would look terrible on you.

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