Mallrats Page #3

- Didn't I dump your ass this morning?

You've had time to think

about the mistake you've made...

..and I want you to know

you don't have to apologise.

I'm sure you were just

PMS-ing or something.

What kills me about you

is your inability to function...

..on the same plane of existence

as the rest of us. Piss off.

this charade of ending our union.

Fine, I'll play along, but if we're divorced,

we have to divide our possessions.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- You have my Punisher WarJournal 6...

..and the remote control to my TV.

Now, I know this stuff has

sentimental attachment...

Sentimental attachment?

If I have any of that crap...

..it's because you brought it

to my house and left it there.

a schedule for visitation rights.

- For what?

- The mall. You have the odd days,...

..I'll take the even days and weekends.

When there's any special function...

Brodie, Brodie, Brodie!

I have always taken you

with a grain of salt.

When you asked me to do a striptease to

the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said 0K.

At that prom night, you asked me

to sleep under the bed...

..in case your mother burst in, and I did it.

And at my grandmother's funeral,

when you told my relatives...

..you could see her nipples through

her burial dress, I let it slide.

If you think I'm gonna suffer any more

of your sh*t now we're broken up...

..you're in for some

serious f***ing disappointment.

What?

Phase one. First, you take a run

at LaFours with the sock full of quarters.

I'd do it, but I pulled my back out

humpin' your mom last night.

and knock his ass out cold.

Then phase two kicks in. I attack

the structure, Wolvie-berserk style,...

..knock out the f***in' pin, and

bickety-bam, the motherf***er's rubble.

Hence - no game show.

F***!

Do you know that kid?

I hope his pants get caught

and a bloodbath ensues.

- What is with you today?

- I don't wish the kid harm,...

..but his mother should suffer that ordeal

so she'll learn how to manage her child!

- It's a harsh lesson, don't you think?

- Man, there's not a year goes by...

..that I don't read about an escalator

accident involving some bastard kid...

..that could have been avoided had

some parent - I don't care which one -

..conditioned him

to fear and respect that escalator!

Wow, look who it is.

- Jerk.

- Little Tricia Jones.

What's a pretty girl like you doin' sittin'

alone in this monument to consumerism?

Updating my calendar

and waiting for Jay and Silent Bob.

And I suppose you're here

with no agenda, as per usual?

TS Quint, Tricia Jones.

They call her Trish the Dish.

- Nobody calls me that.

- 0ur little Tricia is only 15,...

..but somehow she's a senior.

- How'd you manage that?

- (Brodie slurps)

Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off.

Yeah, right(!) So what d'you say?

You wanna nail TS?

- Jesus, Brodie!

- Calm down.

Trisha's compiling data for her book

about the sex drive of men ages 14-30.

I believe it's called Bore-gasm.:

A Study of the '90s Male Sexual Prowess.

Tell him about the advance you got.

Pendant Publishing gave me 20,000 based

on a treatment and a sample chapter.

- You're kidding!

- She's the youngest author in this field.

So Tricia sleeps with a bunch of guys

as research, and get this,...

- ..she videotapes all of them.

- What?

I get everybody's consent before we do it.

Most guys get off on it.

Men are easily amused.

- What are you writing here?

- I was coding last night's research.

- She means sex.

- I know what she meant.

- What kind of codes?

- Here, look.

The smiley face is when

I go down on the guy.

The smiley face with lashes

is when the guy goes down on me.

The circle is for when we have sex.

The circle with the X is

for when I have an orgasm.

The house is when we do it inside

and the grass is for outside.

That kid is back on the escalator again!

How old was last night's subject?

that store, Fashionable Male.

Holy sh*t! You slept with that a**hole?

Why?

I needed a 25-year-old. And he has quite

a distaste for you, I might add.

- Eugh! He mentioned me during sex?

- Afterwards.

He says he wants to kick your ass.

I'd steer clear of him.

- Tell me you taped him saying that.

- No. I shut the camera off after the sex.

You shoulda heard what he wanted to do.

I'm having a hard time with this.

Do your parents know?

- 0f course.

- It's remarkable.

That's criminal. That kid...

That kid is back on the escalator again.

- Leave it alone!

- What?

So, I heard you were going to propose

to Brandi Svenning in some theme park.

When are men going to learn that women

want romance, not Mr Toad's Wild Ride.

Be fair, all right.

Everyone wants Mr Toad's Wild Ride.

We gotta go.

Remember my offer. I'm young,

virile, sensitive to a woman's needs.

Somehow I doubt it, Sega Boy.

Good luck with the comic-book store.

Sega Boy! God, Rene's got a big mouth.

What does ''Good luck with

the comic-book store'' mean?

How does junior Masters and

Johnson know about my proposal?

It's not like she's in an exclusive club.

- What are you talking about?

- Sean Hartle's telling everyone.

- What's he saying?

- Her father made her do the show...

..so you couldn't take her to Florida.

Now what the hell is this sh*t?

What do you gotta do to get comics here?

- Hey, what the hell's goin' on here?

- I was warned about you. Take it easy.

''Warned''? What the f*** do you mean?

- Tell him, Steve Dave.

- F*** you, Fan Boy.

Would you two testosterone-seething,

he-men comic-book fans finish up?

- I got some questions.

- Who's in there?

- You gotta ask me nicely.

- F*** you!

- Get the hell off him!

- You think just cos a guy reads comics,...

..he can't start some sh*t?

I'll f***in' take all you on!

Somebody get a medic!

There's a boy caught in the escalator!

- Come back here and arrest this goon.

- You're f***in' next!

I'm not goin' anywhere until

I find out why I can't get my comics.

- Excuse me.

- Don't hit me.

- Why is there a line?

- Stan Lee's signing comics.

Stan Lee?

We tie you to the roof,

you jump and sail off,...

..passing over the arch-nemesis, LaFours.

You swing up to the stage

and knock out the pin.

When that's gone, the stage is trashed

and we go smoke a bowl. You got it?

Now get your fat ass up there

and, dude, don't forget your helmet.

Fly, fat-ass! Fly!

What the f***...?

You f***er!

Security? This is Popular Girl.

We just had something

crash through the wall.

Stan Lee! How does the creator of some

of the biggest titles in comics history...

..coming to my mall get by me?

I must be slipping in my old age.

The name amongst names!

There's a million questions

I'd love to ask him.

Her father! I knew this game show was

a beard for an attempt at breakin' us up.

Why can't he just leave us alone?

What kind of man are you, anyway?

I'm talkin' comics and you bring up

chicks and romance?

And why do you wanna get married now,

anyway? You're still in college.

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