Mallrats Page #4

I was just gonna propose.

The wedding would be later.

Waste of time.

My grandmother always said...

..''Why buy the cow

when you get the sex for free?''

- She did?

- All the time. 0f course,...

..she became a lesbian on her 60th

birthday, but that's beside the point.

Where the hell are these two goin'

in such a hurry?

- Has he gone?

- Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.

Damn, that bastard's faster

than Walt Flanagan's dog.

- What's with all the running?

- What the hell happened to him?

The human brown eye here

is a walkin' calamity.

We gotta pass on the stage-trashing,

otherwise he's liable to kill himself.

- Sorry, bro.

- No hard feelings, hey?

- Isn't that Rene?

- Yeah. She must be looking for me.

- I better go talk to her.

- No, she's with somebody.

- Wait a minute. Isn't that...

- The a**hole from Fashionable Male?

- My God. You think they're...

- Could be. It'll explain why he hates me.

Can you run interference with the lug?

I'm gonna get some answers.

You work at the Fashionable Male,

don't you?

Yeah. So?

Uh, that's a great store you got there.

Thanks. Listen, I'm trying to spend

my lunch hour with my lady friend here.

So why don't you beat it?

Look, if you don't stop gawkin' at me,

I'm gonna kick your ass, 0K?

Haven't you heard the phrase

''The customer is always right''?

I'll let you in on a little secret.

The customer is always an a**hole!

- Jesus Christ!

- What gives with the cover boy?

None of your business,

but he'll kick your ass for this.

Are you insane?

The guy looks like a date rapist!

- Is that my jacket?

- Start the elevator.

Not until you tell me what the situation

is with you and the Sperminator!

- How long has this been goin' on?

- Since I finally sent you packing.

- He's much more suitable than you.

- Are you nuts?!

The guy's pure testosterone.

He's a walking hard-on.

I'm in need of testosterone

after a year of baby-sitting you.

I forgot what real men were like.

I can't believe you have the nerve

to come to my mall and pick up guys!

Shannon did the picking up. He's

taken me to lunch at the Cheese Haus...

..and brought me shopping

to stores I wanna shop in.

I took you shopping all the time!

You took me where you went shopping!

Do you think I care what rathole store...

..has the latest Godzilla bootlegs?

Is eating in the same dive pizzeria

every night eating out?

Do I give a sh*t when two labels

are crossing over characters...

..and selling two editions

in different covers?

I'm a girl, dammit! I wanna do

girlie things like fix hair...

..and get romantic phone calls.

- I call you all the time!

- ''Rene, my mom's asleep. Come over.''

When was the last time

you told me I was beautiful?

This guy does all this in one day?

He already introduced me to his mother.

- Really?

- He was at work by nine o'clock,...

..unlike my ex-boyfriend who slept until

one because he played Sega all night,...

..which has an enormous

effect on your libido.

- Now you attack my libido?

- There's no libido to attack.

No libido to attack?!

- You sure you saw her get on, right?

- Maybe she was getting off.

- 0w!

- Sorry.

It's all right.

There, that was romantic, right?

Passionate, yeah.

No, Brodie, that was too little, too late.

Too little?

You said it was a good size.

The effort, you retard.

The effort was too little, too late.

But now that you mention it,

when a girl says it's a good size,...

..it's a nice way of saying that it's small.

Hey!

Hey!

- I am gonna kill that son of a b*tch.

- No, no. Forget about him.

He wanted to give me something

he forgot to give me a long time ago.

He's harmless now, 0K?

Fine. I gotta get back

to the store. Let's go.

- In the elevator?

- I don't know what came over me.

She challenged my libido, so I defended

myself against her accusations.

- 0h, it's not like you still wanted her?

- Not in the least. I'm over her.

- Holy sh*t. You really love that girl.

- Yeah, right(!)

I never noticed it before,

but she really fuels your engine.

- You have this new glow about you.

- I don't.

- You do. You're glowin'.

- If I do, it's because I just got laid.

I'd look the same if I'd banged

anyone, present company excluded.

You're too proud to admit

that you want her back.

I suddenly want something

bad to happen to you.

What is your problem?

- 0h, Gwen, I'm sorry.

- You f***er!

See? That's what you get

for f***in' with me.

Hey, Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.

He's got a funny way of showin' it

by elbowing me in my freakin' tit.

- Why the hell are you glowing?

- I'm not glowing.

- Brandi dumped him.

- Would you stop saying that?

- I know. I heard.

- You heard how?

She told me. I ran into her

a few minutes ago.

- Really? Where?

- By the stage.

Do you want me to rub it?

Come on, work with me, people, please!

No, no. I want this more toward the front.

- The podium'll keep the rug down.

- Move... Move it...

Mr Svenning, the...

Give me the podium!

You put the podium down over here.

Like this.

And you stamp

the carpet down with your feet.

You speak English? Like this.

Mr Svenning! Let me help you up.

Get off! Move!

- All right, where's Brandi?

- Let go of me.

- Where's Brandi?

You're fired. You get the hell outta here.

Get off my set.

- Where is she?

- You are out of her life.

Now, you stay out of her business,

and mine. Understand me?

Come on. Are we working or what? Get the

backdrop ready! Are those lights ready?

Excuse me. You go over on the other side.

You put the podium over the bad spot in

the carpet. The hole, please. Go now, go.

You made her dump me and you're gonna

auction her off to further your own career?

Hey, not that it's any of your concern,

but Brandi agreed to be on Truth or Date.

After last night,

I think she's looking forward to it.

It'll give her a chance to find herself

a decent guy. Somebody with a brain.

So you admit it.

You are behind our break-up.

Admit it? I'm as proud of it

as I am this game show here.

TS... listen to me.

It's over between you two.

The sooner you get that,

the better off we're all gonna be.

Understand me? You don't.

Guard, come here. Get this guy off my set.

If he gives you any sh*t,

you have my permission to castrate him.

- You can't do this!

- I just did.

- Get me LaFours.

- Right away, sir.

Well, go on!

- How about these?

- Very sexy.

- That sounded convincing.

- I'm preoccupied.

TS, she told you, she's doing it

as a favour to her father.

She won't f*** the guy on public-access.

- She might as well.

- You're overreacting again.

That's why your relationships fail.

It's certainly why ours did.

You got bent out of shape the same way

over that costume party in high school.

You f***ed Rick Derris on a pool table,

with everyone watching!

It was a costume party, TS.

No one could tell it was me.

Besides, who else but you

remembers sh*t like that?

- I woulda been a sexy chick!

- Do you remember that costume party?

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