Mallrats Page #5

The one where you banged

Rick Derris on the pool table?

- Nobody remembers sh*t like that(!)

- How is it you recall trivial events?

I'll never forget it. How often do you

get to see Smokey f*** the Bandit?

Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?

(both) Except for the moustache.

They have a whole room to do that in.

Some pervert wanted

to see me naked today,...

..so he busted in on me twice

while I was changing.

- This saves some of the effort.

- 0h.

How much longer are we gonna be in

here? I'm starting to get a hard-on.

So, Brodie. Tell me about

the Rene break-up.

- I threw her away like a parking ticket.

- Ha!

Don't front. I talked to Rene's cousin

this morning. It was vice versa.

They aren't acting broken-up.

- Ask him about the elevator.

- Tell me about the elevator.

It goes up and down.

Rene seems so coarse, anyway.

What was it like to date her?

- Ever slept with somebody?

- Uh, yeah.

I mean really slept with somebody. Beside

them, not f*** them on a gaming table.

We, uh... We slept together one time

in high school. That ski trip.

That was you?

Yes, Brodie.

I have slept beside many people.

You know when someone lays with

their back to you and you lay behind...

..and throw one arm over 'em?

- It's called ''spooning''.

- Where does the other arm go?

You can lay on it

or shove it between your bodies.

The only other option

is to stretch it above your head.

But sometimes my arm pops out

of the socket when I sleep like that.

I was always searching

for someplace to keep my arm,...

- ..while still laying close to her.

- And?

What do you mean ''and''? That's like

a metaphor for our whole relationship.

I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court.

I know exactly how he feels. Excuse me.

(sobs)

Fill this with Coke, no ice.

Want a sip of my soda?

Smart-ass ex-boyfriend.

I got two things to tell you.

I see ya every week in this mall.

I don't like shiftless layabouts.

You don't come to work or shop. You hang

out all day. Act like you f***in' live here.

I have no respect for people

with no shopping agenda.

Is this what's known as

motivated salesmanship?

Rene told me to leave you alone,

but she's f***in' clueless.

You see, Bruce,...

..I like to pick up girls on the rebound

from a disappointing relationship.

They're more vulnerable,

more in need of solace and they're...

..fairly open to suggestion.

And I use that to f*** them

someplace fairly uncomfortable.

What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

No. Like, uh... some place girls dread.

- Did we ever get along?

- 0nce or twice.

- How come we went out so long?

- You had cable.

- Are you gonna stay for the show?

- No way. When he gets back, I'm gone.

TS Quint, where's your sense of chivalry?

You're kiddin'! Easter Bunny did this?

I said the Easter Bunny at the Menlo Park

Mall was better and he knocked me down.

- He's f***in' dead.

- Let it go. He's under a lot of pressure.

- What happened to him?

- Easter Bunny kicked his ass.

- I had it coming.

- F*** all that sh*t. Come on, Silent Bob.

- What really happened?

- The owner of Fashionable Male did it.

- Shannon Hamilton?

- You know that guy?

I dated him after we split. He tried

to screw me somewhere uncomfortable.

- Like the back of a Volkswagen?

- Sounds like his M0.

- Can you get up?

- Am I still glowing?

Barely breathing. Was Rene involved?

It was an independent act of aggression.

He told me he intended to penetrate...

..my ex-girlfriend

in a notorious body cavity.

- Sounds like him.

- You better tell Rene.

No. If she's not smart enough to see

through him, she deserves the discomfort.

I, on the other hand, have had all

the discomfort I can stand for a day.

- I'm late. I gotta go.

- You're gonna leave with him like this?

I gotta split. You're gonna be 0K, Brodie?

A couple of pins in the hip, I'll be fine.

That's my boy!

Bye, guys. Be good.

Women. Always leaving you when you've

just had the crap kicked out of you.

You look like you're gonna live to me.

You stay here. I gotta hit the bathroom.

Please, don't say ''hit''.

for your Easter eggs on Sunday.

- Bye-bye, Easter Bunny.

- All right. Who's next?

Hey, guys. Wait in line,

like everybody else.

- What the hell is this?

- This is for Brodie.

- He's here.

- What?

Him and Brodie. Don't sweat,

though. He's leaving.

He seems really broken-up

over this whole thing.

Maybe because we're broken up

for good this time.

I remember when I dumped TS. I was all

right with it until he started dating you.

- A little jealousy residue?

- I thought so at first.

Then I realised it was more than that.

When I saw how he was with you

and how you complemented each other,...

..it finally hit me that TS is a great catch.

- Gwen, you were always cheating on him.

- Capricious youth?

- Doesn't mean I wasn't regretful.

- Jesus, Gwen. The last thing I need now...

..is a lecture on my love life.

All I'm saying is that the really

good guys are few and far between.

In fact, I haven't met one since TS.

And even if I did meet one, I guarantee

I'd use him as a basis for my comparison.

- You can have him if you want him.

- Believe me, I might consider trying...

..if he weren't so hung up on you.

I gotta get home.

- Have a great show.

- 0K. Bye.

Chocolate-covered pretzel?

This is Roddy, Mr Zvenning's assistant.

Mr Svenning would like

to have a word with you.

Where? These are melting.

Copy that. By the stage.

Tell him I'll be there in a minute.

- What do you think?

- I don't trust it.

Maybe he's ready to talk reasonably.

Reasonably? You should go

over there and give him sh*t.

- I'm trying to marry his daughter.

- You can't scream at him...

..but you should still stick it to him.

- How do you propose I do that?

- You stink-palm him.

- Stink-palm?

- You stick your hand in your ass.

You've been walking all day,

no doubt you're sweaty as hell.

Look at you. A grown man

with his hand down his pants.

I probably look like my old man.

There. Now you shake hands with the guy.

''Mr Svenning, how have you been?''

- Why?

- You know how long the smell lasts?

Scrub all you like.

It'll stick around for at least two days.

What will his colleagues and family think?

That he can't wipe his ass properly.

Meanwhile, you are left

with a hand that smells like sh*t.

Small price to pay for

the smiting of one's enemies.

I think I'll pass. But do me a favour.

Stay here while I go talk to him.

I assure you tonight's programme

will go off without a hitch.

I hope so, for your sake. It's

a dangerous mall for a game show.

The Easter Bunny was accosted earlier.

If there's anything resembling the trouble

you had at the Governor's Ball,...

..you'll end up hosting

the Lotto drawing on public-access.

Gentlemen, please trust me.

I have taken the necessary precautions to

ensure everything will go smoothly, hm?

- (man) Look out!

- (crash)

Nothing to worry about.

Sound test. Sound test.

I tell you what. Why don't...

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