Mallrats Page #6

Why don't I meet you back

here around showtime?

- Somebody said you wanted to see me.

- Quint.

I accept that you

no doubt f***ed my daughter.

The two of you have been

dating long enough...

..for you to have slimed

your way into her panties...

..and I am sure you did just that

at least once or twice in my own house.

Probably while I was at home.

Brandi has a bright future.

She is an extremely intelligent

and capable girl...

..and I'm sure that one day she will

be even more successful than me. Maybe.

But you...

You, on the other hand,

have absolutely no ambition. Hm?

And no chance of making it

in the real world.

My daughter is too good for you.

You will never ever be with her, hm?

So, if there isn't anything else...

Hey, fellas.

Well, well, well, if it isn't my neighbour.

Mr Svenning, how've you...

Damn, would you feel that iron-grip

handshake! Like Burt Reynolds and sh*t.

So! What's going on here?

a few of his lesser points.

Hey, look at that ring. What is that?

That is my junior-college class ring.

Cum laude '69.

I also hope to come loud one day,

preferably in a 69.

Say, would you like

a chocolate-covered pretzel?

They're a little melty,

but damn, are they exquisite!

If I remember correctly,

you're a big pretzel fan.

- Um... Dark chocolate?

- Yeah.

- 0h, no.

- 0h, come on!

- No, no, please.

- They're awesome. Here you go.

Thank you.

Mm!

That's good.

Good, good. Very nice.

And, you know, being a man who believes

in ''0ne good turn deserves another'',...

..I have something to offer

the both of you.

Really? What's that?

- What is this?

- These are called ''handcuffs''.

of you were in the mall,...

..I decided to set up this little ambush...

..to remove you and your sidekick

here from the premises, permanently.

Hey, why am I his sidekick?

How do you know he's not my sidekick?

Rene! Get Jay and Silent Bob!

Please! Hurry!

- Did somebody call your name?

- Um...

- I have to go to the bathroom. Wait here.

- Hey, anything for you, babe.

- It's your day.

- Thanks.

What you need is

a fatty boom-batty blunt.

I guarantee you'd see

a sailboat, an ocean...

..and maybe some big-titted

mermaids doin' lesbian sh*t.

Look at me, you sloppy b*tch!

Dude, you're a mad chick magnet.

TS. Brodie. Security guards.

Under arrest. They need help. Go!

Wow. A sailboat.

- Brenda?

- Dick!

This is illegal!

You can't arrest us for nothing.

Mr LaFours turns us over to the police,...

..the bag of contraband

that he's ''found'' on our persons...

..will give them reason to lock us up,

at least for the duration of the show.

Isn't that right, Mr LaFours?

''Come, son of Jor-El. Kneel before Zod!''

Snootchy bootchies!

- Vulcan nerve pinch?

- That was close!

See that stink-palm? He licked his hand.

- We gotta go. They'll be looking for us.

- 0h, thank you, man. We owe you one.

- You wanna hide? I know a place.

- Let's go.

- Don't I get to wash my hand first?

- Brodie!

What the sh*t are we gonna do?

Yeah. Come on, we're f***ed.

They're right behind us. Come on!

Yeah! Badass! Yeah!

Where do you get those wonderful toys?

- This is where we're hiding?

- Cops never come in here.

Neither does any

self-respecting consumer.

- What do you see in this place?

- Good buys. Great people. Earthy aromas.

- Hey, Walt!

- Brodie!

- They know me here.

- I wouldn't be too proud of that.

Why is the sound of defeat in your voice?

Might be because I've been defeated.

Man, you're giving up? You used to be

a stand-up kind of guy. What happened?

That guy punched Amanda Gross's

mother after she called him ''low class''.

- That wasn't me. That was you.

- 0h, yeah.

- And it was her grandmother.

- No wonder the b*tch went down so fast.

Hey, you should have boards

in them, all right?

Bloody savage.

That is one of your more admirably

deplorable traits.

You would beat up a grandmother,...

..or a senior citizen's community,

if you believe in the principle.

Yeah, but only if they were really old.

Maybe I was deluded. 0r maybe

you were right when you said that...

..if something stupid could trip up

Brandi's feelings, she's not really into it.

You're gonna listen to me,

to something I said?

Jesus, man! Haven't I made it clear during

our friendship that I don't know sh*t?

Half the time, I'm just talkin'

outta my ass, or stickin' my hand in it.

Sometimes, yes, but on occasion

you have let a nugget of truth slip out.

This morning may have been such a time.

You know what you need?

Some sage-like advice.

You've given me enough

for one day, thanks.

Not from me. From Ivannah.

Who's Ivannah?

- I can't even find the words.

- Isn't that ingenuity?

- Why do palm-reading topless?

- It makes the news easier to take.

She could tell me I was gonna die

in ten minutes if she told me topless.

- Your maleness amazes me sometimes.

- What can I say? I love tits.

- What kind of people use this service?

- People like us.

- You're not suggesting we...

- Don't be such a fundamentalist.

I've already reached my lowest.

This is where I draw the line.

- You used to like tits, too.

- I love tits as much as any guy...

..but why would I pay some hag money

for some supernatural chicanery...

..coupled with sagging, wrinkled b*obs?

Man, this place is

something out of Octopussy.

You've come for a

glimpse at your future?

Amongst other things.

Talents like those I possess

are not to be taken lightly.

If you have heart condition,

suffer from nervous nausea,...

..or have a family history

of stress-induced breakdown,...

..Empire Entertainment

recommend you do not partake...

..in the fortune-telling

activities contained within.

- You guys still in?

- We're healthy and strapping young men.

You give me 58 dollar, 60 cent.

What?

- You expect me to pay?

- I'm broke. I'll pay you back.

My God! I can't believe you.

I didn't even wanna do this.

You'll thank me later.

Thank you.

Mm.

All right, gentlemen. Free your mind.

- I'd like to free something.

- Fuckus.

- That's what I was thinking.

- She said ''focus''.

Mmm.

I sense a grave disturbance

between you both.

A difficulty in affecting

a resolution for a problem.

Something hard.

- I'm convinced she's got the gift.

- Try to contain yourself.

Miss, I appreciate the effort, and I'm

sure you're very good at what you do,...

..but my shallow friend here

isn't interested in his future,...

..so you can cut the theatrics.

Great. I do much better when

I don't have to say things in character.

- You don't have to say anything.

- You paid. I should tell you something.

But in order to do that...

..I have to work completely...

..unfettered.

Ahh... ohh, yes.

the problem here.

Girl trouble.

Apparently, you're both on the outs

with your respective steadies.

- That's amazing.

- That's disgusting!

the pain... ow!... of loss,...

..but only one of you makes it vocal.

The other one suffers silently.

- God, you're right.

Rate this script:3.0 / 2 votes