Mamaboy

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1

Shall

we gather at the river

where bright angel

feet have trod?

With its crystal tide forever

flowing by the throne of god.

Yes, we'll gather at the

river, the beautiful,

the beautiful river.

What?

Hey!

What are you doing?

Get out of here.

Hey!

Fear.

Fear ye, the lord your god.

Or forever in hell...

You'll be

cast into a lake of fire

with Satan himself, and there...

I've been waiting for you.

Ah.

The gnashing of teeth.

He who even looks at a woman.

Why does Satan want

to mash your teeth?

He's already committed adultery.

So if your eye offends you,

if it causes you to lust,

pluck it out.

Cast it away.

Same thing with your nose.

How many...

Get away from there.

Somebody's gonna see you.

Your father is

in rare form today.

Speaking of rare

form, where'd you

learn how to kiss like that?

Just doing what comes natural.

Mm.

I like nature.

You know, the only way

to get to eternal glory

is through sacrifice.

Somehow, somewhere,

someday, the good lord

is going to ask you maybe to

make a tremendous sacrifice.

And on that day,

what will you say?

How will you answer him?

Will you answer him yes?

Yes?

Will you answer him yes?

Yes.

I think we need to

practice sacrificing

now, starting today.

When the collection

plate goes by,

I want you to sacrifice as

much as you possibly can

to the lord.

Remember, money is

the root of all evil,

so use this opportunity

to rid yourself

of as much evil as possible.

Remember, it is written,

ask how much to give,

and you shall receive an answer.

And folks, lord loves a

hilarious giver, so please,

let me hear some laughter.

A little laughter.

Don't hurt that much.

Let me hear some laughter.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

The lord loves the

hilarious giver.

I'd like to thank you.

The lord appreciates

your generosity.

You know, it is this spirit

of giving which enabled us

to acquire this magnificent

stained glass window

imported directly from Italy.

I'm sure we will treasure it

for many, many years

to come.

Amen to that.

Mm.

Kelly?

Yeah.

Do you know what today is?

I'm guessing it's Sunday.

Besides that.

It's the 10-year

year anniversary

of the day we first met.

Yeah.

I was seven and you were eight.

Remember?

I was a bat girl in

your little league team.

I went over to pick

up a bat, and you

were practicing your swing.

And I knocked out

your front four teeth.

Oh, so romantic.

Yeah, well, if you

think that's romantic,

check this out.

Oh. Kelly.

It opens.

Open it.

It's beautiful.

I'm never going to take it off.

I love you, Kelly Hankins.

And I love you, Lisa weld.

Help me put it on.

Of course.

Yeah.

All right.

Got it?

Yeah.

Tomorrow starts our

first day of senior year.

I know.

I mean, this could be the

best year of our lives.

What's your favorite

thing about school?

My favorite thing about school?

Well, besides you?

Baseball season.

I mean, there's just

something about it...

Standing, on the mound

and game's on the line.

I have a chance to be a hero.

Everyone's chanting

"Kelly, Kelly, Kelly!"

I know everyone's behind me,

and they're gonna trust I

make the right decision.

It's just one time,

I'd like to just

reach out and grab that feeling

and hold onto it forever.

I wish I could feel that way.

But I'd be scared to death.

You're scared of everything.

Well, don't you ever get afraid?

Sometimes.

Like, does it make sense

to be afraid of being afraid?

What do you mean?

When I'm trusted to

make the big decision,

like, the really big

decision, could I do it?

Would I cave?

Kelly, Kelly,

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

Very funny.

How about you?

What's your favorite thing?

Hm.

I like the dances.

It's the only time I

can hold you in public.

How much longer do we

have to keep this secret?

Eight months, one

week, and three days.

My 18th birthday,

the day my father

finally allows me

to start dating.

It feels like forever.

I mean, you may not

even love me anymore.

I could go crazy,

gain 100 pounds, bald.

I don't know.

I'd still love you.

Why don't we tell

your father right now.

That's a terrible idea.

Then I wouldn't be allowed to

date until I was crazy, bald,

and gained 100 pounds.

Well, I'd still love you.

All right, coward.

Eight months, one

week, three days.

It's a date.

On one condition.

All right.

On my first date, I want

to wear the biggest, most

beautiful pink orchid in town.

I'd do anything for you.

Anything at all.

Well, I've

got a heavy hankering for you,

Kelly Hankins.

Mary, good to see you.

You too.

Hey, Bob.

Pleasure, sir.

Oh.

Good to see you.

And just where have

you been, young lady?

I needed to use the bathroom.

Lisa, you need to understand

the importance of the example

you set for our young people.

Yes, daddy.

You... hi, hi.

You provide the moral

guidance with your virtue

- for our entire community.

- Yes, daddy.

I expect you sitting at the

front row of every service.

I will be, daddy.

Oh, the Hankins family.

Good morning, reverend weld.

Gloria.

Wonderful sermon

today, reverend.

And how are you, Jimmy?

Just fine, sir.

- About your sermon today?

- Yes.

If money is the root of all

evil, how do I fertilize it?

Quite the mind

on this young man.

Quite an original thinker.

Wonderful.

Hm.

Kelly, how's the arm on

Butterhill's star pitcher?

It's great, sir.

Thank you.

It's good.

We are all counting on you.

This is... this is very stylish.

It's the new style.

You should try it, sir.

I think I might.

Well, good to see you.

Good to see you.

Pleasure, sir.

Hey.

I'm coming.

Hey, bombs away!

Gosh, get off me.

Baa.

Pretend like you're actually

a normal human being for once.

Ah, you don't want that.

Ah.

- No.

- Come here, babe.

First day of senior year.

- You smiling?

- Yes.

- This is for my mother.

- I know.

It's going on

the Christmas card.

Ok.

Cheese.

Ok.

Great.

Preserved for all eternity.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

I feel good all under.

Are you finally wearing

the right sized underwear?

Underwear.

Underwear, underwear, underwear.

Nopes. Oh, well.

More room to, uh,

indulge that bulge, you know?

Yeah, you wish.

You know what I'm saying?

Walk in swinging.

All right, Ace.

Let's burn rubber.

These ladies are awaiting

our glorious presence.

Woo.

Who's that driving

the green bug?

That's Frankie Wilson.

Sure is an improvement

over that old Van.

I don't know.

I mean, you could really stretch

your legs out in that Van.

Oooh.

What is this?

Hello, ladies.

Oh, well, that sucks.

It's Milton.

Ew.

Hey, there's Kelly Hankins.

Who's that with him?

That's ditto Moore.

You mean Ditzo Moore.

Hi, Kelly.

Hi, candy.

- How was your summer?

- Awful.

I just stared at my phone and

prayed for a call from you,

but my prayers went unanswered.

Well, i... I didn't

have you number.

That brazen hussy.

Like a spider waiting

to devour a fly.

Let me have that number.

I'll take that.

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