Man of the House

---

Says your source got religion

while he was in the can.

- You trust him?

- No.

Sharp, we're going to a church.

That's why I didn't bring a helicopter.

Everybody, get your hands up.

Now keep them up...

and say, "Hey!"

Say, "Oh!"

All right. Then go ahead.

We have learned from the three wise men...

The O'Jays...

Eddie, Walter, and the other guy...

that there is a train coming...

and it is a train of love.

Michael rowed his boat ashore.

Because he, too, wanted to get

off that water and get on the train.

Had the ticket.

And I, too, want to be on that same train.

So I will see everyone next week. Hopefully.

Percy Stevens. What's it been?

Three to five years with time off

for good behaviour?

Sharp, how are you?

This is a church, all right?

A place that's sacred.

And it shall remain untainted.

We're looking for an old cellmate of yours,

Morgan Ball. You seen him?

He's a key witness in one of my cases.

Come on, man.

I don't hang with that crowd anymore.

I am a prophet in a non-profit world.

Aren't you worried about him getting away?

I'm more worried

about him having a heart attack.

You want me to call an ambulance for you?

Look, man, I don't even know

why I'm running in the first place.

I'm on God's side now.

Give us the phone, Percy.

Man, why are you all treating me

like I'm some little punk kid?

Besides, the Lord says:

"He who is without sin cast the first stone."

- What the hell is wrong with you?

- It slipped.

Where's the damn phone at?

Holy cow!

It's a musical cow. Look at it. It's a miracle.

Like the parting of the Red Sea.

Or the time I saw Mike Tyson's face

in a taco.

What is he doing?

No. I know he's not about to do that.

Come on, man.

He gonna really put his hand up that cow?

You can't do that.

It's against the cow's rights, man.

What's up with the...

All the way... In the hand...

It's for you.

Hello.

Hey, Morgan. Calm down, man.

All units, stand by for the whereabouts

of our friend Morgan Ball.

They're coming in.

Texas Rangers looking for Morgan Ball!

Sure hope we don't have the wrong house!

Go to hell!

Morgan, don't run.

Eddie Zane, FBI.

How the hell did that fire start?

I don't know. We heard some shots.

- Who's in there?

- Sharp and Swanson.

Christ.

You know what's in those barrels, right?

One wrong shot and we could all go.

Look, Ball, you have three choices:

A:
You could stay in this hellhole

and burn to death.

B:
You can come with us

and testify against John Cortland.

A and B suck.

What about C?

C is my personal favourite.

Take it easy.

I'm sure there's a way

we can work out this whole thing.

Seems like it's pretty well worked out to me.

I got money. Lots of money.

If you get me out of here,

I'll make you both rich.

Look, see this key? It's yours.

Thank you. I'll put that in evidence.

Look, I can't testify.

Cortland will kill me. It's a death sentence.

Let's go outside and talk it over.

You gotta be kidding me.

Nice job, Sharp.

What's that they say?

"Texas Rangers always get their man"?

That's the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

You both have funny hats and funny boots.

Who can tell you apart?

- Long time, Eddie.

- More than five years.

Margaret Swanson, Eddie Zane.

He's with the Federal Bureau of Idiots.

I'd have become a Ranger

if they said my partner would look like you.

If you were a Ranger,

you'd have caught this bastard by yourself.

That's the beautiful thing

about working for the federal government.

Other people do your grunt work for you.

- How's your daughter doing?

- Real good.

Excuse me, I'm bleeding here.

Get down!

You're gonna be okay.

Just hang in there. EMT is on the way.

Oh, my God, you guys. It is so hot out there.

I'm so hot, I think I'm sweaty.

Oh, God. I need to get some air.

Oh, my God. You guys, come here.

- What?

- Just come here.

Guys, come here.

I think this guy got mugged or something.

- What?

- Where?

- Should we call the cops?

- No.

I think this guy's coming to help him.

Once again, put it together...

for the lovely ladies

of your Texas Longhorn cheer squad.

What the hell happened?

I heard a shot.

I turned the corner, I got clipped.

- Did you get a good look at him?

- No.

Hello.

- You okay?

- I'm fine.

- I ordered for you.

- Good.

- Medium rare, right?

- Yeah.

How's school?

You know. The usual.

How's your mum?

I wouldn't really know.

She and Keith took up scuba diving.

Anyway, she was cleaning the house

and she wanted you to have these.

This is a beautiful picture of you

and your mum there in little bathing suits.

Oh, there's that donkey.

I keep looking for a picture of you and me,

but I guess I was always taking the pictures.

No, you were just never there.

Or that.

So, I'm applying to a few colleges.

Rice, SMU and...

Sharp.

Yeah, I'm on my way.

- Look, I've got to...

- Go. I get it.

Sorry.

I'm fine.

- Looks like you've been busy.

- Yes, sir.

- Hell, ain't it?

- Yes, sir.

They said you had some witnesses.

Yeah, they came waltzing in here

about a half hour ago.

Said they saw the whole thing.

- Anybody else know about this?

- No.

Can we keep it that way?

I'm tired of being shot at.

You bet.

Who are your witnesses?

Cheerleaders.

You know, I think we could be on the news.

I'm not talking local.

I'm thinking maybe Katie Couric or Oprah.

We shouldn't have come here.

I need to get to the library.

Now I'll never get my psych paper done.

I'll just keep seeing his head explode.

Evie, remember what we said?

You got to breathe.

Let air in, and now let that air out, okay?

I totally have a double chin.

I don't trust cops.

We shouldn't say anything

till our lawyers get here.

We don't need lawyers.

We didn't do anything.

Relax, everybody.

We just came here to tell them what we saw.

- Do we have to?

- Yes.

As cheerleaders,

we're role models to the community at large.

If we don't do the right thing,

how can we expect others to?

Now I'm gonna throw up.

I'm not gonna be staying here all night long.

Why don't we just tell these people

that we need to reschedule for tomorrow?

Well, I can't do morning.

I'm having my legs waxed.

I have a biochem lab at noon.

I'm good between 2:30 and 4:00.

Would that work for everybody?

Don't work for me.

And who are you?

Roland Sharp, Texas Ranger.

Oh, my God. Do you know Derek Jeter?

No, he means the other Texas Rangers.

You know, like the Lone Ranger.

He had that cool Indian friend.

What was his name?

Tonto?

He was hot.

Why don't guys wear loincloths anymore?

A Texas Ranger was shot this evening

in connection to the murder you witnessed.

Anything you remember,

no matter how insignificant...

may be of the utmost importance.

- Do you want a piece?

- No, I do not.

- You don't like gum?

- No.

Chewing gum is the most significant factor

in the decline of Western civilization.

The decline of what?

When people chew gum,

nobody can read their expressions.

Like with BOTOX.

I like an older man

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