Man of the House Page #2

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who knows what he wants.

All right.

We should so not get involved in this.

Oh, God, here she goes again.

- She do this a lot?

- Whenever she gets nervous.

She drops, like, 10 pounds around finals.

Can anybody describe the perpetrator?

"Perpetrator"?

The bad man with the gun.

Actually, he was kind of cute.

Gross. He was a total skank.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give him a 4.

No, a ruthless killer's kind of sexy.

I give him an 8.

Let's try to concentrate. How tall was he?

Average. Like, 5'10".

No way. 6'2" at least.

I thought he was kind of short.

What about his hair?

Definitely needs to rethink his cut.

- I mean the colour of his hair.

- It was dark. Almost black.

I thought it was blond.

- What?

- This is bad.

Did he have any...

distinctive facial characteristics?

Sideburns? A moustache?

- There might've been a moustache.

- No, definitely not.

Was I the only one who saw a goatee?

Look at these guys.

You guys, wait.

Wait. Looks like your ex-boyfriend,

Brook Burton.

No, he doesn't.

Morning, Cap.

The Dixie Chicks here...

Iooked at 5,759 mug shots last night.

Wee. Look at this bad boy.

He is yummy!

He's kind of a cross between

the Unabomber and Mark Wahlberg.

I now know the hottie rating

of every ex-convict...

in the western United States.

Been up all night,

haven't learned a goddamn thing.

Please tell me this sweet thing

is out on parole.

Look at him. He's fine.

Girl, good.

Oh, my God, you guys,

I think this guy is in my poli- sci class.

They all said they could ID that feller

if they saw him again.

That's a two-way mirror, girl.

People are watching you.

I know.

What do you think?

I don't know what to think.

I feel really...

old.

Excuse me, Captain.

The Governor's office just called.

Good.

Thanks for coming, fellas.

I'm getting phone calls from some daddies

that are worried about their daughters.

They have good reason to be concerned, sir.

If Cortland finds out there are witnesses,

he'll come after them sure as hell.

Gentlemen, I told those guys we'd take care

of their daughters. Stay with them.

- Yes, sir.

- Good luck, Roland.

Is the taller blond Anne or Barb?

I can't remember their names.

- HE-BAT.

- "He" what?

HE-BAT. It's a mnemonic device, son.

Heather, Evie, Barbara, Anne, Teresa.

HE-BAT.

This is a plainclothes operation.

Take your hat off. Conceal your badge.

Try to look normal.

Yes, sir. And I just want to say thank you

for taking me along on this one, sir.

That's the third time today

you've thanked me...

and I can honestly say at this point

I feel the full brunt of your gratitude.

Thank you again, sir.

Get in the damn van.

You, move over.

You think you could turn some music on

or something?

- Turn the motor off.

- Problem, sir?

We don't have a secure cabin.

This vehicle will not move

until all these ladies buckle up.

You're kidding, right?

One thing you'll learn about me is

I do not kid, or jest, or joke, or jape...

or quip.

Looks like we're waiting on you, Teresa.

I saw that.

I saw that, too.

I see everything.

Mr. Cortland, do you expect

any further charges to be filed against you?

Mr. Cortland,

how do you feel about the verdict?

After failing to produce any evidence...

the government has dropped all charges

against John W. Cortland.

Needless to say,

my client is pleased with this outcome.

What about the murder

of a key government witness last night?

If you'll excuse us, Mr. Cortland

is anxious to get home to his family.

No further comment.

Are you denying any prior knowledge?

Zane.

It's me. I still don't have the money

Ball stole from me.

And the shooter you brought in

shot a Ranger.

I covered for him. The job got done.

Even shot myself in the arm.

You're a free man.

Yeah, well, here's the thing.

You left some witnesses.

Hey, pull up over here.

Now you listen here.

You better start cleaning this mess up.

Already on it.

I got to shower.

Triple-lock all the doors,

put magnetic contacts on all the windows.

I only want one port of entry.

Y'all can put your audio and visual stuff

upstairs and downstairs.

I want you to check all the crawl spaces,

if they got any, for outside access.

Put a tap on that telephone and a bunch

of Barq's Root Beer in the refrigerator.

Where do you want your stuff at, sir?

On the couch in the front room,

facing the door.

Yes, sir. Where do we bed down, sir?

With that bunch of scholars over there.

Have fun.

Ladies, if I might have y'all assemble

in the living area.

Is my root beer in the refrigerator?

Root beer? No, sir.

Then why are you still here?

Antonio? Baby! Where are you?

- It's her boyfriend.

- It's a very co-dependent relationship.

Well, at least I have a relationship.

What do you have? Nothing.

Antonio.

Teresa's gonna have to get back to you.

You couldn't possibly be talking about

my mother because she's allergic to dogs.

- First rule:
No cell phones.

- What?

No pagers, no Palm Pilots and no e-mail.

And the telephone downstairs may be used

in the event of emergencies only.

Give it up.

Send us back to the Stone Age,

why don't you?

You don't understand

what serious business this is.

In order for us to do our job,

we're gonna need your cooperation...

and that means paying attention

to what I say...

and doing what I ask you to do

when I ask you to do it.

Furthermore, I'd appreciate it

if you'd cover yourselves in our presence.

I realise how very proud you are...

of your tattoos, piercings,

and other body modifications.

However, my colleagues and I

do not need to see these.

Are there any questions?

I have one. Are you always such a dick?

Yes. There will be no guests

in the house ever.

Nobody may leave the house

without an escort.

But this is our house.

What about classes?

I'm in an advanced pre-med program.

- I have a...

- 4.0, we know.

Okay, guys. If I miss my biochem class,

I'm gonna lose my scholarship.

There are five of y'all, three of us.

You'll have to pare your schedules down

to the absolute essentials.

I'll skip all my classes

for the greater good of the group.

Work it out amongst yourselves.

- What about dates? Barb's got two tonight.

- Not anymore.

Hello! We've got a game on Saturday.

Don't even think about telling us

we're not going.

You're not going.

Don't say it.

As captain of this squad, I must inform you

that to stop us from cheerleading...

you're gonna have to pry the pom-poms

from our cold, dead hands.

I'm all clear.

Come on, Asst. Cheerleading Coach Sharp,

show me your spirit.

Where's your happy face?

This is my happy face.

Well, I think we're gonna have to turn

that frown upside down.

Now this cannot be how you helped

Florida State to the regional finals.

- Coach Beauregard?

- Please, Binky.

Okay, Binky.

I specialise in strength and conditioning...

and I'm gonna leave the grinning

and the smiling up to you.

Well, okey-dokey then.

Assignment accepted.

Time-out...

Texas.

Gun!

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