Man of the House Page #3

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A water gun, sir.

Please don't hurt me. It's just a joke.

Nice hit!

Check it out.

Howdy, neighbour.

I'm Jimmy from next door.

Just wanted to come by

and welcome you to the building.

And, you know,

if you need any weed or anything...

just come bang on my door.

That's good to know, Jimmy.

- You'll definitely be hearing from us.

- Cool.

2200 hours.

HE-BAT is secure.

Roger that. We'll see y'all in the morning.

I don't sleep.

Isn't that your partner?

- Shouldn't you have gone to the hospital?

- No.

I'm here.

Right. But she's been shot.

That's part of the job.

You ever kill anyone, Sharp?

Cold bastard probably doesn't even care.

Her middle name is Ellen.

A lot of the fellas weren't happy when

the Rangers started recruiting women...

and I was sure enough one of them.

She changed my mind.

I also hear everything.

"The brightness of her cheek

would shame those stars

"As daylight doth a lamp

"her eyes in heaven

"Would through the airy region

stream so bright

"That birds would sing

and think it were not night"

So your assignment is

to write a five-page paper...

due a week from Friday...

describing the function

of the recurrent imagery...

of light against darkness

in Romeo and Juliet.

What does it mean? How does it mean it?

And is it possible that this play...

is more than just a teenage romance

with a sad ending?

Miss Thompson.

I want to see you in my office. Now.

- She'd like to see you.

- What for?

I don't know.

Mr. Sharp. Come in. Have a seat.

So, I understand you're

the new assistant cheerleading coach.

That's right.

May I ask what you were doing in my class?

That's the way we do things on our squad.

If somebody's in the...

Let me be blunt, Mr. Sharp.

Barb's cheerleading

is interfering with her work.

And for the record, you should know

I think cheerleading is stupid.

I couldn't agree with you more.

She downloaded this paper

on plant imagery in Macbeth...

off the Internet.

I know, because I wrote it 20 years ago

when I was an undergraduate.

Must be a hell of a paper.

Yes, I thought it was pretty good.

But that is not the point.

Plagiarism is simply not acceptable.

I've given Barb an F on that assignment.

If she wants to remain on the squad,

or in the school, for that matter...

her next paper on Romeo and Juliet

had better be wholly original.

I'll explain your position to Barb...

and make sure she understands it,

explicitly.

Well, good.

Fine.

Okay, what's the big deal?

Presidents don't write their speeches.

When you're President, you can be

as lenient as you want to on plagiarism.

But wait. This play has five acts.

She can't expect me to read the whole thing.

It's all written in ye olde

weird English anyway.

- Hey, Barb.

- Hi, Scoot.

Besides, people think being a cheerleader

is this nonstop party and everything...

but, you know, they're so wrong.

- Hey, Barb.

- Hi, Chase.

Aside from all my games and my practices...

they still expect me to maintain

this 2.0 average, and I can't do that.

You need to manage your time better.

Time? What time? I don't have any time.

- Hey, Barb.

- Hi, Tim.

- Tom.

- Shoot! Sorry. Tom.

I really liked him, too.

You got some admirers on this campus,

don't you?

Don't be jealous. They're just silly boys.

We can stop this charade

and run away together.

You got a paper to write.

I know. But if I write it myself,

it'll just be stupid.

You don't know that

because you haven't tried.

Cheating is a hell of a lot worse

than being stupid.

Plagiarism is an academic crime.

It is punishable by academic death.

What do you care anyway?

I wanna see you stay alive, academically,

physically, and every other way.

- You like me, don't you?

- No.

Guys, stand by one moment.

Sergeant, your pizza's here.

Roger that.

Set the pizza on the porch...

take two steps back,

and place your hands behind your head.

What's the problem, dude?

If that pizza's hot,

there won't be any problem.

- All right, what do I owe you?

- $13.75.

Hey, do you live here with all these girls?

Temporarily.

Dude, you're my new hero.

Imagine what that means to me.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Without my phone, I am nothing,

I am worthless.

I need to speak to my Antonio...

- What is that?

- The Carnivore.

Pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, ham, and

olive loaf, all together in one savoury pie.

With jalapeos.

- Want some?

- Yes. No.

Extra-thick crust.

- I can't. I'm on the Zone.

- What zone?

The proper combination

of protein, fat, and carbohydrates.

This combination's proper as hell.

I'm a total Atkins girl.

I do Weight Watchers.

You'll probably blow all your daily points

with just one bite.

This baby has one point and one point only,

and that is tasting good.

I don't know why you girls are on a diet.

You couldn't weigh any more than...

Don't even go there.

No, there are some things

we just don't discuss.

My daughter has a very healthy appetite.

Interesting. You never mentioned

you had a daughter.

- What's her name?

- Emma.

- How old is she?

- Seventeen.

- Is she a cheerleader?

- I hope not.

- What's her favourite band?

- You got me.

How about her sign?

Is she sexually active?

- Hell, no.

- She probably is.

68%% of high-school students

in Texas have had sex...

by the time they've reached the 12th grade.

Slightly higher than the national average.

Thank you for ruining my day.

I'll tell you one thing about this daughter

you know nothing about.

She must be supremely messed up

in the head from living in a house with you.

She lives with her mother.

Why did your marriage fall apart?

That's one of many things

that you and I will never discuss.

You see, you clearly don't know

how to speak to women.

I know how to speak to women.

I clearly choose not to.

We need to establish

this bathroom at the end of the hall...

is a 100%% masculine bathroom.

From this moment on, it is off-limits to

you people and your foolish undergarments.

- You want an egg-white omelette?

- Does that mean no yolks?

- No yolks.

- No, thanks.

- Want some kamut flakes?

- What?

- Ancient grain. Tastes great with soymilk.

- Soymilk.

- Who ate all my kamut flakes?

- Not me.

What am I,

the Organisation to End World Hunger?

This is my cereal.

Why do you girls find it necessary

to listen to this constant crap?

You don't like vagina music?

Do you have to use that word

before I've had my coffee and soymilk?

- Vagina.

- Whose?

- What did I tell y'all about wearing clothes?

- Jog bras are clothes.

That's it.

That is it.

Just sign right there.

- Awful big unit for a house this size.

- I get hot.

I hear you.

All right. You win, okay?

We all agree to put on more clothes.

Now, can you please

turn the temperature up?

That's a very mature decision

and I'm proud of you girls.

But we should come

to a common understanding...

the meaning, the definition

of the word "more."

We thought you might say that.

Barb!

All righty.

This is Courtney Ryan, my personal hero.

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