Man of the Year

Stand by, lights, for cue one.

Welcome to "The Tom Dobbs Show. "

Please have your tickets ready for the ushers.

Please turn off all cellphones and pagers.

Take your seats, please.

Tom Dobbs will speak to you before the show.

This story might fall under the heading of

"one thing leads to another. "

It started on August 20th.

At 7 p. m. Tom Dobbs, who had a successful

cable show featuring political comedy,

was talking to the audience during the warm-up

routine prior to the taping of his show.

Thanks for coming. This isn't the actual show.

The cameras are pointing at nothing

and some critics have said that too.

But I'm just here to talk to you,

warm up the audience, a little bit of foreplay.

Sorry.

I'll back up now for harassment reasons.

The government said recently... Well, a lot of people

said that we're cutting back spending.

But NASA actually spent $28 million

to develop a fountain pen

to write upside down in space in zero gravity.

The Russians solved the same problem

with five-cent pencil.

Very easy, writes upside down, zero gravity.

After two cases of vodka, still writing.

If you have the GPS, be very careful. I bought

a Mercedes recently with the talking GPS.

"Up ahead, take a right. " I opened the door

and the car went, "Are you Jewish?"

But soon all of your appliances will talk to each other.

You'll get on the scale and the scale will go,

"Psst! I've talked to the microwave. "

I notice many of you with little cellphones.

Soon they'll get so small they'll just be inside...

Hold on, I got a call. Hello.

No, I'll make it louder. Hold on.

Wait a minute, I'm taking a picture.

Oh, wait. I got mail.

It was during a Q and A

that a woman made a statement.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Hi.

I feel so frustrated with the political system

and my friends say the same thing all the time.

Maybe you should run for President.

The comment was quickly forgotten

and minutes later the show got under way.

Senator, I think the public is pretty frustrated

with the polarization of the parties

and lack of accountability.

It's crazy. A woman tonight

said I should run for President.

Maybe I should.

Within three hours there were four million emails

endorsing Dobbs for President.

Over the course of the next week,

Dobbs mentioned this four more times.

The internet was on fire.

Over eight million emails.

It was a grass-roots movement

fueled by the power of the internet

and the cult of personality.

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you so much for your patience.

We have a great show for you tonight,

so without any further ado...

On September 2nd

something very, very unusual happens.

Tomorrow I will officially announce my candidacy

for President of the United States.

Did you write that? Where's the punch line?

Maybe it was sheer vanity,

maybe it was a political stunt,

or maybe it was because Tom believed

his audience demanded it. Who knows?

As Tom Dobbs' manager

I was as shocked as everyone around me

and I wasn't exactly pleased.

Does this mean I'm out of a job?

Shortly thereafter,

Tom Dobbs was on the ballot in 13 states.

That was part one

of the unusual progression of events.

On the West Coast the second domino toppled over.

Voter confusion...

Endless recounts...

Unreliable results...

Democracy held hostage.

In today's America, technology empowers the public

in nearly everything they do.

And now, voting with confidence.

Introducing the Delacroy voting system.

Congress decided that Delacroy Systems

would have the national franchise

for computerized voting

in the coming presidential election.

In hindsight, not one of their better decisions.

For ease of voting, speed and accuracy of vote.

It eliminates long lines and confusion at the polls.

It was of course a major coup

for this Silicon Valley-based company.

When the dubbed versions come in

I need to see the contracts.

Delacroy.

As C.E.O. of Delacroy, James Hemmings

lovingly watched his stock rise.

In the bowels of the building,

something else was about to take place.

I got the ballot from San Mateo

so I thought I'd run my own election

with the referendums, propositions

and just add the candidates' names.

Why?

We've never run a configuration like this ballot,

so I thought I'd give it a test drive.

Oh, God. I think I burned my lip.

It's like democracy on the head of a microchip.

Yes, but no matter how you slice it, it's what

you're voting for and not how easy it is to vote.

Whether she was being diligent in her work,

whether she was obsessive-compulsive, or whether

she didn't have a personal life, who knows?

But late that night she found something

that seemed very wrong.

Mills, I voted for you three times as much

as I voted for President Kellogg.

Why did the President win?

Like a good, dedicated employee,

she sent an email to C.E.O. James Hemmings.

She wrote that something was wrong.

She used phrases like "a glitch in the system,"

"compatibility problem," things like that.

Hemmings read the email

and reacted as a C.E.O. whose stock fortune

was wrapped up in his newest enterprise.

If there really was a problem

it was too late to correct it,

so he ignored the memo

and hoped the problem would go away.

I've read a lot of Op-Ed pieces recently

saying that Tom Dobbs doesn't talk about the issues.

All right. I will address the issue.

The issue revolves around representation.

The people of America are not being represented.

Our political leaders are too indebted

to special-interest groups and party politics.

This country was founded on the principle

of government of the people,

by the people, for the people.

We are the wealthiest nation

in the history of the world,

we are the most powerful nation on this planet,

and yet we can't educate our own children.

- Thought that went pretty well.

- Lincoln got more laughs at the Gettysburg Address.

Don't start.

Everybody Loves Raymond

is doing huge numbers in reruns.

- Comedy sells. Can we remember that?

- I don't want to get into this.

I don't care what you say, but say it with humor.

These crowds expect it.

You give speech after speech, nothing's funny.

- They'll get funny when I'm back on the show.

- It's too dry.

I came on the campaign to talk about issues.

There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.

Remember the motto "It's no joke?"

It's no joke!

Tom, can't you do just two jokes of mine?

You're a comedian who talks about politics.

So when you talk about politics without the comedy,

it's like wanting to get laid

and forgetting to bring along the woman.

You'll quickly discover something is missing.

We should have politicians who represent us

and not special-interest groups.

Whenever they want to distract you

they use weapons of mass distraction -

they bring up a constitutional amendment

to ban burning of the flag.

By spending time in Congress talking about that,

you deny other things -

education, environmental issues...

I'm here to talk tonight about political commercials.

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