Man of the Year Page #2

That's where most of the money goes

in any political campaign.

Politicians have to spend so much money

just to buy TV time.

This is where the special-interest groups start.

When you have a political campaign

that costs $200 million,

you owe someone something

somewhere down the line.

That's why I refuse to run television commercials.

Just be entertaining. Look at it this way.

Who would you rather have dinner with:

Richard Pryor in his prime,

or Kofi Annan, the head of the U.N.?

Tell me which dinner is gonna be more interesting.

If there's no candles, Richard.

But I'd like to be with Kofi just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?"

"What? Coffee, Kofi? Kofi, coffee?"

He's in the debate?

He's in the debate!

- Tom Dobbs is gonna be in the debate!

- What?

They're gonna let him participate in the debate.

Have we struck gold or what!

- Oh, my God!

- We'll have to start writing.

We can write it, but is he gonna do any of it?

- Praise the internet!

- 16 million emails spoke loud and clear!

The following is a quote

from our debate advisory standards:

"All candidates who demonstrate

seriousness of purpose and significant support

"going into the final 30 days of an election

"should be included in debates. " Unquote.

Yes!

Well, I fully agree with the debate committee's

inclusion of Tom Dobbs.

He's by far the strongest of the independents

and I'm very much looking forward to the debate.

I'm more than confident

of my decisions, my positions,

and my relationship with the voting public.

And my hair.

Oh...

I think the first thing you gotta do

is say you have unconfirmed information

that the other candidates

have had sex with farm animals.

It goes back to the Johnson thing.

President Johnson said he wanted to accuse

his opponents of having sex with animals. OK?

His staffer said, "How can you prove that?"

He said, "I can't, but I wanna hear them deny it. "

- Seriousness of purpose.

- The debate is gonna be a night full of pomposity.

The air will be full of bullshit.

They'll be thanking everyone, do all those niceties.

They'll thank their wives, children,

all their campaign supporters.

This is our night to shine, Tom.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

It's like the comic who gets to play Carnegie Hall

but shows up and plays the violin.

It's not what they go to see.

How many analogies do you have left?

How many does it take to make my point?

I didn't mean to yell.

You gotta cut loose. In this debate,

get your show attitude in there.

Yeah, but may I reiterate?

They got me in

because of my seriousness of purpose.

- That's why we're in this debate.

- Serious talk puts us to sleep.

You wanna talk about a serious issue,

nowadays people tune out.

Wait a second.

Do you think anybody remembers the issues?

When there's a debate...

When was the last time any human being,

any American, watched the debate and went:

- "Oh, God! Did you hear what he said?"

- "I believe he talked about fiscal policy. "

"Oh, my God! My eyes are open

and I can hear again!"

All they remember is Nixon sweating

like Elizabeth Taylor after a Mexican meal.

That's not good.

I'm begging you, please. I'm like a man without

water. An acerbic comment, would it kill you?

More and more people are watching your show,

Jon Stewart, Bill Maher for news.

News from comedians. How crazy is that?

Let's move on. Alison, Jenny, your thoughts.

I hope this doesn't sound silly,

but the other two candidates are family men.

OK? And, Tom, with all due respect,

how are you gonna come off as family-friendly?

Well, I could hold my mother's ashes.

I know, we'd lose a certain amount of people there.

But Chicago, the dead vote.

She's right, Tom. As soon as the program starts

and we see the candidates' wives in their red suits...

You mean I have to get married before the debate?

Campaign during the day, date at night.

It's like some weird reality show.

It's not a bad idea really, is it?

Part West Wing, part Bachelor. Hey, that's not bad.

Here's our first contestant. Your name, please?

Yes, my name is Rachel Tensions.

Yes, indeed, dear. Contestant No. 2, your name?

My name is Miss Sogyny.

Yes, I thought he was really hot.

But when I found out about his radical

environmental policy, I went, "Mm-mm. "

I like a dirty environment, if you know what I mean.

I want a man who's not afraid

to go in the wetlands and drill.

Deep drill, you know? Get down in the mud

and take it home, daddy. That's how I feel.

It's a piece-of-sh*t idea that could work.

Yeah, but you're running...

You're running

because the people wanted you to run.

Why do you think they wanted you to run? To listen

to you talk about issues? Are you kidding me?

- I can barely listen to you talk about issues.

- Have I not said this a hundred times?

In Chicago I'm doing the same thing I've been doing.

That's how I got here.

I wanna keep doing it because I sense that'll work.

You gotta go to makeup, Tom.

Menken.

- Look at this.

- It's like the circus.

- This is nuts.

- When I was a kid, I was in the circus.

- No.

- Yes. I used to shave elephants.

You started in the tent, you're back in the tent.

I'm not kidding. They grow these big beards.

In the wild they rub it on trees.

In the circus you shave them with a blowtorch.

One of those pump things with gasoline.

You throw it all over their face.

You gonna have coffee?

- Because I need it to stay awake.

- Do you have any green tea?

- How long have you been smoking?

- Since I was seven.

Since you were seven.

My father was a big smoker.

While President Kellogg and Senator Mills

have spent approximately $195 million apiece

on the campaign for media advertising,

Tom Dobbs has not spent one cent.

He refuses to spend money on media,

saying, "Candidates are not products. "

Here's the very latest. Dobbs is running at about 17%

in the 13 states where he's on the ballot.

- You want a beer or soda?

- Soda, please.

...compared to a network show, he has been

extremely influential in some smaller circles.

- We got some clips. Are they ready?

- I TiVo all his shows.

Here's some excerpts.

Swedish carmaker Volvo has announced

they are replacing air bags in their new sedans

with breast implants.

The number of rear-end collisions

has increased 95% in Sweden.

A lot of guys just like to bump their car

and see what happens.

Also Pope Benedict has mechanized the Swiss Guard

and said, "It's my choice.

I do it for the Church and for the Fatherland. "

You know, I didn't mention this

at the time when he was chosen Pope.

I was always hoping in my own heart

for a Brazilian Pope - Pope Raul -

just so you could have the nuns

in the thong and the feathers.

I was thinking that would bring

a lot of people back to the Church.

- You've got really great skin.

- Thank you.

- A little bit of a tan.

- Thanks. I went to a tanning salon.

I wanted to look like a Kennedy,

but I think they set it on George Hamilton.

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