Man of the Year Page #3

- George Hamilton. Doesn't he have a grill?

- No, that's George Foreman.

You wanna get married?

I need a wife before the debate.

- Interested?

- Uh... I don't know, Mr. Dobbs.

We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue,

nothing ostentatious.

Helicopter pad in the back, couple of thousand

phone lines, staff of 60. Come on.

Are you nervous?

Why else would I propose

to a woman I never met before?

- But you have your own TV show.

- But on the show I ask the questions.

You've got two minutes, Tom.

Here we go.

Good evening.

Welcome to this last presidential debate

between the major candidates

for President of the United States.

The candidates are:

the Democratic nominee, President Kellogg,

the Republican nominee, Senator Mills,

and for the first time included in tonight's debate,

the independent, Tom Dobbs.

My name is Faith Daniels

and I'll be the moderator

- for tonight's 90-minute debate which is coming...

- Cute.

- Cleavage. Is that legal?

- Very cute.

The format has been agreed to by representatives

of both the Republican and Democratic campaigns.

There is no subject matter that's restricted.

As always, each candidate will have

up to two minutes to make a closing statement.

The order of those, as well as the formal questioning

tonight, were decided in advance by drawing.

Gentlemen, again, good evening and welcome.

Let's begin.

Mr. Dobbs, how would you explain your decision

to run for President of the United States?

I decided to run

because I'm fed up with party politics.

I'm tired of the Republican Party

and of the Democratic Party.

- Edgy!

- There's no real difference.

It's a Mr. Potato candidate.

Basically, you have a thing here where,

here's the operative word: party.

Behind closed doors,

I think they just have a good time.

When you read the transcripts,

some of the things your Secretary of Defense says,

I think there must be an open bar somewhere.

The bottom line is,

they've lost track of what they're responsible for.

They're responsible to the people,

not party loyalties -

and definitely not lobbyists.

- That's why I want to run for President.

- Not punchy enough.

- You have one minute remaining on your time.

- Needs a little more flare.

- Can I get a refund?

- We will continue.

Senator Mills,

I'd like to ask you the same question.

First of all, thank you, Faith. And thank

all of you who are responsible for having us here.

I'd also like to thank my wife and children,

who have been very supportive of my candidacy.

- This guy smiles so much, it's upsetting me.

- I thank all of those who made this possible.

And if I may reiterate

some of the comments of Senator Mills

with respect to family, children, wives

and immediate family,

and the enormously important role that they play

in our failure or success -

and in my case, success:

- my love to them, my love to all of you who...

- What?!

- He's talking about his wife and children.

- Why's he running on? Who cares?

Thank you so much.

And that's why I have been a very rigorous advocate

of tough security measures.

President Kellogg and I think alike in this area.

I am in total agreement,

without equivocation,

that security measures have got to remain tough.

Thank you.

Mr. Dobbs, what would your position be

on national security?

- Come on.

- Tom, go for it.

- Do it.

- Some of these measures are already tough.

If you've ever been through passport control,

you stand in line with thousands of people,

eventually you get to an immigration officer

who takes your passport.

He looks at your passport picture,

looks back at you,

says, "Why did you have your hair cut?"

"I don't know. "

They have a video camera that takes a picture

and compares it to your previous picture.

They're very tough about that.

They're very skeptical.

- He's got to make his move.

- More oomph!

Meanwhile, at the southern borders of our country,

four million illegal aliens

are crossing the border

with bedroom sets and night tables.

- Hit 'em again!

- And we're trying to reenter the country legally!

They ask you tough questions like,

"Where have you been? Why?"

You start to doubt yourself.

"I forgot why I was there. "

"I guess it was pleasure. It was a vacation.

I'm sorry, I took a vacation! I don't know why. "

And then...

The next thing you know, they're patting down

an 85-year-old lady in a walker.

Listen, if there's an 85-year-old lady

in a walker and she's a terrorist,

basically, game's over, folks.

And when they start to put on that rubber glove

and look at me, I'm going, "OK... "

"Maybe we should have dinner first

before we do this. "

I'm saying let's have real security,

not just the illusion of security...

- Whoa! Yeah!

- Oh, yeah! All right!

Oh!

- I... fully support hydrogen cars.

- But you're backed by oil companies.

- You'll have your turn, Mr. Dobbs.

- Sorry.

Some of my colleagues and I in the Senate

have come up with an interesting strategy...

If you're in bed with oil companies,

you can't talk about fuel efficiency.

- It's like being a kosher pig farmer.

- He's getting angry.

- This is not your talk show.

- And you're not on your private plane,

flying to the golf vacation you took with

the heads of the major oil corporations.

- Wow.

- It's like something I never saw before.

Or did you fly in in that lovely helium plane?

Oh, that's a blimp, I'm sorry.

No smoking in the hydrogen...

Boom! Hindenburg!

- Mr. Dobbs, please.

- Of course he's for hydrogen.

It'll take 30 years to develop. Meanwhile,

we haven't got any more fuel efficiency.

We're not exploring alternative fuels like methane -

it's hard to hold that chicken over the gas tank.

- Or ethanol, which is basically fuel alcohol.

- Mr. Dobbs...

If you get stopped by the police, say,

"My car's been drinking, not me!"

Or maybe helium, 'cause if you have a helium car...

if you have a helium car and you get rear-ended...

"Hey, something's wrong!"

You have got to return to your podium.

- Can we get some order here?

- You talk about responsibility!

- Your Treasury Department lost $28 million!

- Please, return to your podium.

Tell me that you are not receiving major

campaign finance contributions from oil companies.

- Boom!

- I don't take kindly to you calling me a liar.

If this is a debate,

you should answer questions honestly.

You should be accountable for who you are.

The voters should know what you represent,

and if you represent special-interest groups,

we should be like NASCAR.

We'd be in the Senate with our suits on,

and if you're backed by something,

it'd be like little patches

like they wear in NASCAR.

"Vioxx - the backaches end,

the heart attacks begin. "

Put the big one on the back:

"Enron - we take your money and run. "

Smack down!

It's all about accountability...

We have a format that we have agreed upon.

May I remind you...

- For God's sakes. We got some real trouble here.

- ... and the airlines...

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