Man of the Year Page #4

Faith, can you... Faith, can you hear me?

Can you get control of this, please?

Get control of this!

We deal in weapons of mass distraction.

They push your buttons.

He's talking about hydrogen fuel. He wants

an amendment to the Constitution on flag-burning.

It's an emotional issue!

They talk about the desecration of the flag,

but if you go online right now,

you can buy flag underwear!

Wow!

You can see an old lady wearing a flag thong

and go, "Grandma, don't tell me where Old Glory is!"

- It's all about distractions!

- Mr. Dobbs...

No, no, Mr. Kellogg. Mr. Kellogg wants to pass

an amendment against same-sex marriage!

Anybody who's ever been married knows

it's always the same sex!

- Mr. Dobbs!

- They don't know what to do.

- What's up with that?

- Mr. Dobbs!

It's a distraction! They point over here,

they point over there - they want you not to know.

You don't want an amendment to the Constitution

on burning the flag. Make it out of asbestos!

- Please do not make a mockery of this.

- Let someone else speak, Mr. Dobbs.

- Return to your podium.

- It was a mockery a long time before I came.

Now we got applause. This is wonderful.

We're absolutely out of control.

- $200 billion, you could buy a few books!

- Mr. Dobbs!

It's hard to say

how voters will react to Dobbs -

either he's a hot dog or the genuine article.

He did make some issues come home to people,

and if he could actually follow through,

he may have scored points.

Good point.

But this wasn't just funny in the abstract,

it was very pointed and very to the point.

He was making political points through his comedy,

and it was incredible entertainment.

How good the politics is,

we'll have to wait and see.

It's going to be difficult to assess

how the American public will respond

to the level of undisciplined behavior

Tom Dobbs exhibited.

- I'm feeling good. Almost euphoric.

- Jack. Excuse me.

Can you go see Tom right away?

He thinks he screwed up.

Yeah, I'm euphoric, he thinks he screwed up!

Who gives a sh*t what talking heads think?

Different is good.

When I first saw you,

I liked you because you were different, new.

You talked too fast - couldn't understand you

half the time - but you were fresh.

These politicians today look like

they're borrowed from the wax museum.

They're already in their suits,

waiting to be buried.

You wanna be like them?

Waste of time - you wanna be different.

All bets are off.

You're a good candidate, Tom -

as loony as that seems - but...

What?

...you could be... an even better one.

Are you all right?

- What's wrong?

- I'm just a little short of breath.

Let's get you to the hospital.

It's his emphysema. He has a problem with

the enlargement of his heart, but he's stable.

There seems to be a link between smoking

and heart disease. Or am I just making that up?

It'll be the first time

I'll be in front of an audience without him.

You do what you did tonight

and things could get really interesting.

The old bastard's right. Look at that.

You gotta be different to make an impression.

I'm shaking it up there.

Forget trying to be presidential.

You end up looking like them - another stiff in a suit.

I gotta play my game.

They thought I was wild in the debate?

Watch me in the next two weeks.

I'm back.

How do you answer the allegations

that you were arrested for smoking marijuana?

I definitely was, yes. I did inhale,

because I thought, "What the hell? I'll inhale it. "

- You're not denying these charges?

- Not at all. I was 25, I was stoned.

- Do you think it'll affect the campaign?

- You wanna know my history?

When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures

of naked ladies. Hence, my right hand is very strong.

At 17 years old, I beat up a guy.

When I was 21, I went to a prostitute.

I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

I once had a blind date that I left in the theater.

I felt so bad, I married her.

That's my ex-wife, who I am not on good terms with.

I just farted a little while back there.

If you find any other nonsense

you'd like to talk about, I'll be glad to discuss it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's now time for the campaign.

It's gonna be a whole new ball game,

so brace yourselves, people.

Are you tired of the Democratic Party?

Are you tired of the Republican Party?

Are you tired of a Congress that does nothing?

Are you tired of having twice as many lobbyists

as they've ever had before?

Then I... I have an idea:

don't vote for the congressmen or senators.

You don't have to vote.

Know how we're gonna pick 'em?

- No!

- The same way we pick a jury.

You'll get a more interesting cross section

than the folks you got right now. I guarantee it.

Do you want a better healthcare system?

You have an HMO that says,

"We'll give you Viagra, but we won't pay for glasses. "

You can have a hard-on,

but you can't see where to put it.

- We're gonna change it, aren't we? Yeah!

- Yeah!

We're not just talking liberal or conservative -

big-time change.

Recently, a lot of the past administrations said

it's unpatriotic to question the government.

If it was unpatriotic to question the government,

we'd still be English!

The Boston Tea Party

wasn't people going, "Oh, hello. "

It was a lot of guys in Boston going,

"Here's your tea, right here!"

# I'm tired of the Democratic Party

I'm tired of the Republican Party

We're talking about freedom of speech.

And freedom of religion -

practicing any religion you want,

anytime, anywhere.

You could be Bewish - Jewish and Buddhist.

You sit and you wait for things to go on sale.

We're talking about freedom of religion.

Occasionally, religion crosses over.

You have people saying,

"You must teach intelligent design. "

Look at the human body.

Is it intelligent? I find it more interesting.

You have a waste-processing plant

next to a recreation area.

They attack environmentalists:

"You're a tree-hugger. "

I go, "No, I've done more than hug a tree. "

"If you find the right naughty pine,

you're gonna have a good night. "

"Who's your woodsman?

Who's your woodsman?"

I'm not just a tree-hugger,

I'm an air-breather. I'm sorry.

It's bad enough with the squirrels going...

"Please help me. I can't breathe today. "

If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll be

fishing, going:
"I love catching two-headed bass. "

"They're good eating once you get past the tumors. "

# I'm tired of the Democratic Party

Now I'm tired of the Republican Party

That's why we're here -

'cause you want change! Yeah!

You wanna shake it up!

You have to be eyes wide open, ready to move on!

Arm in arm, hand in hand, everybody together,

moving forward, because the future is now!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

You're the greatest!

- Thank you.

- You sure you don't want one of us to drive?

- It's eight hours back to Chicago.

- I just wanna be alone with my Barry White tapes.

Uh, Tom, the doctors say that Jack's pretty weak,

so he could doze off before all the results are in.

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