Man on the Moon Page #10

GEORGE:

Fine, be my guest! Book him.

CUT TO:

EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DAY

George is driving in his convertible. Suddenly, something

catches his eye -- and in shock he HITS the brakes. Three

cars behind him SCREECH crazily, trying not to hit each

other.

George is oblivious. He's staring up at a BILLBOARD.

The BILLBOARD:
It says "HARRAH'S TAHOE PRESENTS, ANDY

KAUFMAN & TONY CLIFTON! TOGETHER ON STAGE! ONE NIGHT

ONLY!"

George is flabbergasted.

EXT. SUNSET BLVD, PHONEBOOTH - DAY

George is shouting into a payphone.

GEORGE:

Gene, you misunderstood!! You're

not getting BOTH of them!

(upset)

It's physically impossible!

BOOKER (O.S.)

Why's that? You said over and over

and over, Tony Clifton is not Andy

Kaufman --

GEORGE:

Yeah, I KNOW what I said! But --

trust me, it's not gonna happen!

BOOKER (O.S.)

Sure it is. Tony called me himself.

He yelled at me, insisting that his

dressing room be bigger than Andy's.

They're both going on tonight,

believe me!

George is stupefied. He looks at his watch.

CUT TO:

EXT. LAKE TAHOE - DUSK

Magnificent HARRAH'S dominates the skyline. The marquee

blares "TONY CLIFTON AND ANDY KAUFMAN!" George screeches up

in a rental car. He jumps out and runs inside.

INT. HARRAH'S SHOWROOM - NIGHT

The showroom is packed. It hums with curiosity. WAITERS

clean off the dinner tables. George rushes in and is seated

in a far booth, with some STRANGERS. He overhears a heated

conversation between a PUSHY MAN and his WIFE.

PUSHY MAN:

You're not listenin'! It's a VERY

simple concept.

WIFE OF PUSHY MAN

You're making no sense. How can

they be the same person --?

PUSHY MAN:

Trust me! You'll never see them on

stage at the same time!

The onstage ORCHESTRA hits a fanfare. LIGHTS DIM. Sharp

SPOTLIGHTS meet at the foot of the stage. Suddenly -- Tony

swaggers out, hands over his head in a gesture of triumph.

Thunderous APPLAUSE. Tony beams. The music stops.

George leans in, curious as to how Andy will wiggle out of

this.

Tony bows theatrically, turns back to face the orchestra,

and waits. The NOISE LEVEL slowly drops -- but not

entirely. Tony waits, and waits, and waits... until

suddenly he turns towards the audience and SCREAMS

FURIOUSLY.

TONY CLIFTON:

SHUT UP!!!!!!

Everybody looks up, alarmed. The general murmur almost

dies. Tony stands there, eyes flashing with anger at all

the unruly people. As they quiet down... Tony turns back to

the orchestra and raises his arms. The MUSICIANS lift their

instruments. Silence is total -- except for the clank of

china.

Waiters are serving coffee.

Tony spins back around, livid.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

THAT APPLIES TO YOU, TOO,

PENGUINS!!!

People signal "shh"! The waiters realize Tony's addressing

them, and they stare back in disbelief! This is their job!

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

Yeah! Yeah! YOU! I'm talkin' to

YOU!! And you better freeze, or

I'll get your asses fired!!!

Tony's outburst is so commanding that they all freeze. The

waiters stand there like statues, staring in terror.

Satisfied, Tony burns back to the orchestra and raises his

arms. Again, the musicians lift their instruments. In

anticipation of loud music, the waiters start moving about.

Audience members start whispering. Tony hears this -- and

drops his arms and head in despair.

The musicians lower their instruments. Tony waits for

absolute silence. Only then does he signal the musicians to

get ready again. They do. And then at that precise moment

-- somebody DROPS a spoon.

Tony jolts, as if hit by a current. He drops his hands

again, turns, and gives the perpetrator a murderous look.

Then he turns again, lowers his head, and waits. And waits.

And waits.

The man at George's table WHISPERS to his wife.

PUSHY MAN:

He's never gonna start! Kaufman

thinks this is funny!

(beat)

We've paid forty bucks for a show

that's never gonna start!

George grins stupidly. The silence is now deafening.

Slowly, very slowly, Tony raises his arms. Slowly... the

musicians get their instruments ready. Tony stands there,

and stands, and stands, waiting for something... anything...

to disturb the silence. In vain. Somebody COUGHS. The

whole scene repeats itself.

Finally -- finally -- Tony is surrounded by total silence.

Then, (only a moment before the length of this scene would

become unbearable), he begins to move. Tony pivots around,

looks at the audience...

And the entire room looks like Tussaud's Wax Museum. Tony

starts LAUGHING hysterically. The audience's reaction is

mixed:

Some people LAUGH. Some BOO. Some ask perplexed questions.

Some SCREAM OBSCENITIES. Some even APPLAUD.

Tony is very happy. He turns to the orchestra, raises his

baton -- and commences the downbeat! The MUSIC BEGINS.

A SPOTLIGHT hits the wings... and then ANDY STRIDES OUT.

George's jaw drops.

WIFE OF PUSHY MAN

You see! I told you! They're not

the same person!

The whole audience BURSTS INTO APPLAUSE. Life is back to

normal. Andy bows shyly and takes his place in front of a

prepared row of congas. He starts to play.

Tony Clifton grabs the microphone.

TONY CLIFTON:

Thank you! Thank you! I wrote this

tune for my friend Frank Sinatra.

He had a nice little success with

it... but forgot to thank me on the

album.

He starts to BELT "I Gotta Be Me".

George squints his eyes, trying to figure out who this is.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

"Whether I'm right

Or whether I'm wrong

Whether I find a place in this

world

Or never belong!

I gotta be me! I gotta be me!

What else can I be, but what I am?"

Tony's singing is awful. Andy happily accompanies on

congas. The audience doesn't know what to think.

Tony's SINGING reaches the end... aggressive and off-key.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

Let's bring it on home --

(he hits his

screeching CLIMAX)

"I GOTTA BE MEEEEEE!"

The BAND ends with a brassy punch. The crowd responds with

LOUD BOOING.

CUT TO:

INT. HARRAH'S, BACKSTAGE - LATER THAT NIGHT

George wanders the corridor, looking for the dressing rooms.

He turns and finds a door marked "KAUFMAN". Next to it is a

door marked "CLIFTON".

George stares. He thinks, then opens the "KAUFMAN" door.

Andy is inside alone, gathering his things. He's pleasantly

surprised to see George.

George doesn't enter. He goes to the "CLIFTON" door. Andy

follows. George opens the mystery door...

INT. HARRAH'S, CLIFTON'S DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

and inside, taking off the rubber Tony makeup, is Zmuda.

George starts hyperventilating. Shaking, he tries to sit

himself down. Andy enters, beaming. George is amazed.

GEORGE:

You're so proud. You're like some

retarded kid comin' home from

school:
"Look, Dad, I got an F!"

ANDY:

But wasn't it funny?

GEORGE:

"Funny"? I dunno. But

"intriguing"... "mindboggling"...

perhaps "headache-inducing"... sure.

(softening)

Like, that moment, when you both

came onstage...

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