Man on the Moon Page #9

Ed looks totally off-balance. George winks at him.

GEORGE:

I'm here with Ed over at Taxi.

There's been some trouble with Tony.

ANDY (V.O.)

Oh no! Did he get hurt?

ED:

No, no, Andy, nothing like that.

(nervous beat)

But... Tony's not fitting in. His

style of performance is too...

burlesque.

INTERCUT:

INT. TAXI SET, ANDY'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY

Tony is on the phone. Little Wendy is busily refilling his

whiskey bottle with canned ice tea. He looks up, insulted.

TONY CLIFTON (AS ANDY)

"Burlesque"?

BACK TO:

INT. TAXI SET, TECH BOOTH - DAY

ED:

Andy, I'm calling you up like this

because I have the utmost respect

for your artistry. But -- I need

your permission to fire him.

ANDY (V.O.)

Oh dear!

(upset)

George, this is gonna kill Tony.

He's waited his whole life for this

break.

GEORGE:

There'll be other shots.

ED:

Andy, I have to do it. He's a

terrible actor.

Andy thinks about this.

ANDY (V.O.)

I guess I understand. But Ed --

please... let him down gentle.

ED:

Yes, Andy, I will.

Andy hangs up. A relieved Ed turns to George.

ED (cont'd)

Thank you.

CUT TO:

INT. TAXI SET - LATER THAT DAY

Tony SCREAMS insanely.

TONY CLIFTON:

F*** YOU! I AIN'T GOIN'!!

WIDE:

Ed is stupefied. The cast stands nervously behind him.

ED:

We had a deal!!

TONY CLIFTON:

I don't know what yer talkin' about.

You musta talked to someone else --

ED:

Yeah!! I talked to Andy Kaufman!

TONY CLIFTON:

I don't know nothin' about no

Kaufman. He's been ridin' my

coattails, smearing my reputation.

Been usin' my good name, to get

places.

Ed is livid. He gazes harshly at Tony -- Tony's burning

eyes piercing through the rubber features.

ED:

Get off my stage! You're fired!

TONY CLIFTON:

I GOT A CONTRACT!! I'm gonna take

you to the DEPARTMENT OF LABOR!

Suddenly -- FLASH! Ed looks over. A REPORTER has a camera.

ED:

Who're YOU?!

REPORTER:

I'm from the LA Times. We're doing

a little puff piece on Mr. Clifton.

(beat)

Mr. Kaufman arranged it.

UP IN THE BLEACHERS - George enters. He looks down at the

growing debacle, and winces. Uh-oh.

ONSTAGE - Enraged, Ed blows up.

ED:

Security! Escort this man off the

lot!!

ONSTAGE - Studio SECURITY GUARDS run over. They GRAB Tony.

TONY CLIFTON:

Stop! GETCHER HANDS OFF ME!

Tony scuffles. The camera FLASHES.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

LEMME GO! I'M A BIG STAR!

IN THE BLEACHERS - George stares at this mess... and starts

giggling.

ONSTAGE - Two guards drag Tony to the door.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

You'll be SORRY! One day I'm gonna

OWN this town!!

Tony SCREAMS and gets removed. Dead silence. Then --

ED:

I don't want those pictures getting

out.

SECURITY GUARD:

(to the reporter)

This is a closed set. You'll have

to give me the film in that camera.

The Guard reaches for the camera. An uncertain moment...

until Zmuda authoritatively cuts in, from out of nowhere.

ZMUDA:

I'll take care of this.

Zmuda takes the camera. He casually starts to make his way

for the exit... when Ed suddenly HOLLERS.

ED:

Wait -- he's one of THEM!

Zmuda gasps. Two guards go running for him.

Zmuda barrels away, trying to escape. The guards chase.

Zmuda races by George, and suddenly palms off the camera

into George's arms. The guards whip by, oblivious.

George grimaces, unclear about his loyalties. He sweatily

peers at the timebomb in his hands.

And then -- George thrusts it under his jacket. He bolts

for the door and feverishly scampers out.

EXT. PARAMOUNT LOT - DAY

George runs for his life. He knocks aside a rack of

costumes and serpentines between people.

At the gate, Tony's being dragged, kicking and screaming.

TONY CLIFTON:

Stop! HELP! You wouldn't do this

to Wayne Newton --

The guards toss Tony out the gate. He lands in a heap.

In the b.g., George crazily flies by. He gets out the exit.

EXT. PARAMOUNT LOT, OUTSIDE THE GATES - DAY

George doubles over, trying to catch his breath. He glances

down... and Tony is lying next to him. Little Wendy and

Zmuda run up, out of breath.

They all look at each other. There's a moment of

understanding.

TONY CLIFTON:

Hey. Good hustlin'.

George slowly smiles.

INT. TAXI OFFICES - SAME TIME

Ed storms in, insanely angry.

ED:

That a**hole! That F***ING

BASTARD!!

(he SLAMS the door

behind him)

We had a f***in' deal, and THAT

COCKSUCKER SHAFTED ME!!

Ed is seething. His SECRETARY timidly speaks.

SECRETARY:

Um, Ed... you have a phone call --

ED:

I'M NOT IN!

SECRETARY:

Well, um... it's Andy Kaufman...

Heh??! Shaking with fury, Ed stares at the telephone...

then slowly picks it up.

ED:

Yeah???

A long pause... then Andy's voice calmly speaks.

ANDY (V.O.)

You were brilliant.

A flabbergasted beat.

ED:

Huh?

ANDY (V.O.)

You were in the moment. You became

a producer losing his mind.

(sincerely joyful)

It was the best improv I've ever

seen.

TIGHT - ED

He thinks intently about this. And then... amazingly, a

magnificent smiles comes over his face.

ED:

Well -- thank you.

Pause.

ANDY (V.O.)

Okay. See you next week.

Andy hangs up. Ed just sits there, astounded.

CUT TO:

INT. LA HEALTH FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Andy, Zmuda, George and Little Wendy are squeezed in a

booth, laughing and celebrating. They eagerly read the LA

Times.

INSERT - The headline says "WHO IS TONY CLIFTON?" Below is

a PHOTO of Tony being thrown off the Taxi set.

They all HOWL.

ANDY:

This is great! It makes Tony REAL -

- three-dimensional! It's very good

for his career.

Zmuda reads one paragraph.

ZMUDA:

"Was this in actuality Andy Kaufman?

And if it was Andy Kaufman, is Andy

Kaufman crazy?"

ANDY:

(he chortles)

Boy, they totally fell for it! I'm

only acting crazy!

Hmm. A few awkward glances.

Then -- Andy grins at his meal.

ANDY (cont'd)

Boy, this is tasty.

(he shouts to a

WAITER)

Hey, can I please have some more

seaweed?!

CUT TO:

INT. BOOKER'S OFFICE - DAY

A slick BOOKER, sitting in a crowded office full of head

shots. He's on the phone. He's reading the LA Times story.

BOOKER:

Mr. Shapiro, this is Gene Knight, up

at Harrah's Tahoe. We'd like to

book Andy Kaufman for our showroom.

INTERCUT:

INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY

George on the phone.

GEORGE:

Ehh -- Andy doesn't really like

playing casinos. The audiences

don't work well for him.

BOOKER (O.S.)

Oh.

Disappointed beat. The booker thinks.

BOOKER (O.S.) (cont'd)

What about Tony Clifton?

GEORGE:

(startled)

Really?! You want Tony Clifton to

headline Harrah's Tahoe??

BOOKER (O.S.)

(being tricky)

Eh, sure. We're trying to expand

our audience base -- and I know the

college kids really love Andy

Kaufman.

George winces.

GEORGE:

Look -- I gotta be clear with you.

Tony Clifton is NOT Andy Kaufman.

BOOKER (O.S.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know!

(he LAUGHS merrily)

Wink wink! Nudge nudge!

GEORGE:

(frustrated)

No, I'm serious. If you book Tony,

do NOT EXPECT TO GET ANDY.

BOOKER (O.S.)

(LAUGHING harder)

I'll take my chances!!

George rolls his eyes in annoyance. Finally, he shrugs.

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