Man on the Moon Page #8

A pause -- but no applause. It's dead silence. Andy looks

out... and realizes the few audience members are asleep.

Andy shrugs, then shuffles off-stage.

In the wings, Zmuda snores loudly in a folding chair.

EXT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - DAWN

Andy and Zmuda walk out, Zmuda squinting groggily. They

drag the suitcase containing the props. They walk slowly

towards their rental car, the campus totally deserted.

ZMUDA:

Nobody likes anarchy more than me...

but this is science fiction!

Andy nods uncomprehendingly.

ANDY:

Let's get some breakfast.

CUT TO:

INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY

George is yelling at Andy and Zmuda. They are seated on his

couch, heads bowed in shame.

GEORGE:

What kind of show was this??!

(angrily reading off

a LIST)

There were three-hundred walkouts!

The promoter wants a refund!

Andy mumbles in a pipsqueak whimper.

ANDY:

I'm sorry, George...

GEORGE:

You're DAMN RIGHT you're sorry!

(turning on Zmuda)

And you -- you're the road manager!

You should be watchin' out for him!

ZMUDA:

(a guilty sigh)

We might have lost our focus...

George paces furiously.

GEORGE:

When you play the Midwest and South,

you DON'T MINDFUCK THESE PEOPLE!

It's not postmodern -- it's rude.

(beat)

If you wanna perform in Texas, you

give 'em Mighty Mouse! You give 'em

Elvis!!

ANDY:

But George, I like to push the

boundaries...

GEORGE:

And that's great. But do it in LA

and New York! There you experiment!

Show up with a sleeping bag and take

a nap on stage! I don't care!

Hmm. Andy thinks.

ANDY:

How long would they let me sleep?

GEORGE:

I don't know!

(he composes himself

and lowers his voice

to a hush)

Andy... you need to look inside: Who

are you trying to entertain? The

audience... or yourself?

ANGLE - ANDY

He doesn't know the answer.

CUT TO:

INT. SHAPIRO/WEST, BATHROOM - DAY

Andy is manically washing his hands. Using liquid soap from

the dispenser, then rubbing his hands under the water. Then

more liquid soap. More rubbing. Then more liquid soap...

INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY

George sighs at Zmuda.

GEORGE:

I'm worried about Andy. His stress

level is affecting his work.

ZMUDA:

(he thinks)

Isn't Tony Clifton going on Taxi

soon? Maybe that'll chill him out.

GEORGE:

Bob, Andy needs to RELAX. See if

you can get him away from all this.

Take him to Hawaii, or Bali... Find

something special. Something

nice...

Zmuda mulls this over.

CUT TO:

EXT. MUSTANG RANCH, NEVADA - DAY

A tattered sign says "Welcome to the MUSTANG RANCH." The

world-famous whorehouse sits behind a barb-wire fence.

Dusty connected trailers sit in the sand.

A CAR idles out front. Zmuda and a scared Andy sit inside.

ANDY:

I dunno about this...

(worried)

What will my mother think?

ZMUDA:

She'll say, "Now my son is a man."

ANDY:

It's so dirty.

ZMUDA:

Nah. The girls sponge off between

johns.

Andy nods.

ANDY:

Okay.

INT. MUSTANG RANCH - DAY

The reception room -- wood paneling and black-lite posters.

Music is playing. Twenty deadpan HOOKERS are lined up.

Andy, nervous as a high school kid, points at one... then

another... then the first...

ZMUDA:

Which one?

Beat -- then Andy becomes GERMAN, with a monocle and stiff

walk.

ANDY (GERMAN)

I vill haf both! I vill haf dat

fraulein... unt... the vun vith the

big strudels!

The two chosen girls take Andy's hands and lead him off. He

reaches the door -- then gives Zmuda a nervous look. Zmuda

smiles reassuringly. Andy gulps, and goes in...

Beat. Zmuda turns to the older, jaded MADAM.

ZMUDA:

This is a big day. It's my friend's

first time with a prostitute.

MADAM:

(mocking)

What're you talking about? Andy

comes here almost every weekend.

Zmuda's jaw drops, stupefied.

ZMUDA:

You're talking about... Andy?

MADAM:

Oh, he doesn't always call himself

that. Sometimes he's Tony, and

wears a tux.

Disbelief -- then Zmuda LAUGHS sharply. He's been conned.

INT. MUSTANG RANCH, BEDROOM - DAY

Andy and the two hookers are WRESTLING. They grapple and

roll around, all three of them in their underwear.

Suddenly Andy flips the girls over and pins them with his

arms.

Breathing hard, he stares down.

ANDY:

You let me win.

HOOKER:

(she giggles sexily)

What if we did...?!

Andy grins and leans down...

ANDY:

Hey. If I give you three-hundred

dollars, will you come to LA and

help me destroy a TV show?

CUT TO:

INT. TAXI SET, REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY

The Taxi cast sits irritably around a big table, holding

scripts. Ed Weinberger enters.

TONY DANZA:

Where is he?

ED:

He just arrived.

CAROL KANE:

He's an hour late.

ED:

Look, I'm told this Clifton guy is a

little eccentric. You're all just

gonna have to roll with the punches

this week.

Suddenly -- the door SLAMS open. Tony bounds in, filthy

drunk, clutching a bottle in a brown bag.

TONY CLIFTON:

Taxi! Laxy! Just the factsy,

Maxie! Them's all the words that

rhyme with taxi!... Right, girls?

Little Wendy and the Hooker sashay in, dressed as tarts.

Tony feels them up, and they SQUEAL. The cast stares in

horror.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

Eh, why the blue faces? You musta

read the script!

(he chuckles)

Well, don't worry! Your pal Tony

stayed up all night, writin' some

fixes on it.

(he pulls out some

SCRIBBLED PAGES)

I added me a musical number, cut out

Judd Hirsch, and changed the

location to Mardi Gras!

Ed's expression goes ashen.

CUT TO:

INT. TAXI SET - LATER THAT DAY

An attempted rehearsal. Tony is tap-dancing on top of a car

hood. He does a "fancy" move, and his booze bottle suddenly

flies away and CRASHES against the wall.

The cast watches, pissed and bored.

TONY CLIFTON:

And now, the new theme song!

(he starts SINGING)

"Oh yes, we drive a taxi,

And we're havin' fun.

Yeah, we work together,

And we get the freakin' job done."

INT. TAXI SET, TECH BOOTH - DAY

Beleaguered Ed sits with George.

ED:

George, we've lost two days.

Filming is on Friday. We HAVE to

let him go!

GEORGE:

(worried)

I'm not sure how Andy's gonna take

this...

ED:

So we'll go downstairs and tell him!

He points at Tony, swaggering around on the set. George

shakes his head.

GEORGE:

But that's Tony down there. That's

not Andy. Trust me, it's like

"Sybil" -- Andy's nowhere on the

premises!

Ed glares.

ED:

Well whoever the f*** that is, I'm

firing him!

GEORGE:

(he sighs)

Okay. But we'll have to warn Andy

first. I think he's up in San

Francisco, doing a concert.

Heh? Ed raises his eyebrows.

CUT TO:

INT. TAXI SET, TECH BOOTH - SECONDS LATER

George is on the phone. Ed hovers.

GEORGE (INTO PHONE)

Hi, Diane, this is George. I'm

trying to reach Andy up in San

Francisco.

(a stilted pause)

Yeah, I'll wait.

Ed glances down at the stage... and suddenly Tony is no

longer there. He's magically vanished.

Beat.

George turns on the SPEAKERPHONE, then CLICK! Andy's happy

voice pops on the line.

ANDY (V.O.)

Hi, George! Good to hear from you!

GEORGE:

Hi, Andy. How's the weather up

there?

ANDY (V.O.)

Oh, you know the Bay Area! Always

foggy!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes