Man on the Moon Page #7

ANDY:

Yeah, yeah, in a sec'.

(he lugs the dishes

to the kitchen)

That was decaf, right?

The guy nods. Andy hurries over with the coffeepot and

starts pouring.

BLUE COLLAR GUY 1

You know, you look just like Andy

Kaufman.

ANDY:

Yeah, I get that all the time.

Andy hurries off. The guy's buddy leans in, whispering.

BLUE COLLAR GUY 2

I'm telling you, it's him.

BLUE COLLAR GUY 1

You wanna bet?? If that was him, he

wouldn't be workin' here, pouring my

coffee!

NEAR THE KITCHEN

Andy dumps out wet coffee grounds. He is sweating. In the

b.g., George enters the restaurant. He sees Andy, sits at a

table and YELLS OUT.

GEORGE:

Hey! Could you clear this table and

bring me a piece of poundcake?

Andy turns. They stare down each other.

GEORGE (cont'd)

Andy, this is ridiculous. Take off

that apron.

ANDY:

(infuriated)

NO! I'd rather work here, than at

ABC. There's no lying in a

restaurant. They don't promise you

a job as a cashier, then suddenly

make you a frycook!

Andy hurries off with a water pitcher. George chases him.

GEORGE:

Look, I'm sorry. They're a**holes!

But we work in a creative business.

You can't predict what people are

gonna like --

ANDY:

The ONLY reason I did Taxi was so I

could have my own Special!

GEORGE:

(trying to calm him)

Tell you what. I'll book you on

some concerts, and meanwhile, we'll

show the Special around... see if

somebody wants to buy it --

ANDY:

(bitter)

Yeah, we can have a garage sale.

"Hey look, I got a floor lamp and a

network TV Special for only fifty

cents!"

A glum moment.

Andy fills water glasses.

ANDY (cont'd)

How long is left on my Taxi

contract?

GEORGE:

You signed for five years --

(awkward)

So four years, seven months.

ANDY:

(he looks up)

Okay... I'll go back. But just let

them know, first they ain't gettin'

Latka. They're gettin' Tony!

CUT TO:

EXT. TEXAS A&M COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

A marquee says "TEXAS A&M PRESENTS - ANDY KAUFMAN"

Inside, a ROAR of APPLAUSE surges.

INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - SAME TIME

Andy is walking onstage. The excited CLAPPING swells. He's

a gigantic presence to these people.

Andy smiles and bows.

ANDY:

Thank you. It's great to be here.

We're going to have a very nice

time. We'll sing some songs --

SORORITY GIRL:

DO LATKA!!

Andy reacts, perturbed. He struggles to stay composed.

ANDY:

Uh, we'll play with puppets --

DRUNKS IN UNISON

LATKA! LATTTTKAAAA!!!

Andy scowls. Then -- he loses it.

ANDY:

Excuse me one moment.

Andy angrily hurries offstage.

INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM, BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Zmuda is with the congas and props. Andy runs up.

ANDY:

Give me the book.

ZMUDA:

(startled)

No! Andy, don't do it --

ANDY:

They're asking for it.

Andy fiercely GRABS a small book from Zmuda. Zmuda cringes.

INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

Andy strides back out. He gazes at the crowd.

ANDY:

Since you're such a special

audience... I'm going to reveal, for

the first time ever, the real me.

(he goes into a

CLIPPED BRITISH:

ACCENT)

I'm actually British. I was raised

in London and educated at Oxford.

And though I dabble in clowning, I

do find it so boorish. So...

American.

(beat)

I prefer the fine arts. Henceforth,

tonight, I'd like to grace you with

a reading of the greatest novel ever

written!

(he holds up the

book)

"The Great Gatsby", by F. Scott

Fitzgerald!!

BEAT.

Heh? The crowd isn't quite clear if this is good or bad. A

confused murmur.

ANDY (BRITISH)

(he cracks open the

book)

Chapter One.

(he starts READING)

"In my younger and more vulnerable

years, my father gave me some advice

that I've been turning over in my

mind ever since. 'Whenever you feel

like criticizing anyone,' he told

me, 'just remember that all the

people in this world haven't had the

advantages you've had.'"

There's a little NERVOUS LAUGHTER. Is he really gonna read

this?

ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)

"He didn't say any more, but we've

always been unusually communicative

in a reserved way, and I understood

that he meant a great deal more than

that..."

Suddenly, somebody from the audience screams:

FRAT BOY IN AUDIENCE

LATKA!!!

The audience ROARS approvingly. Andy stops reading and

looks at the student. He smiles.

ANDY (AS LATKA)

Tank you veddy much!!!!

The audience APPLAUDS enthusiastically. Andy waits until

the applause dies and goes back to the book.

ANDY (BRITISH)

"When I came back from the East last

autumn, I felt that I wanted the

world to be in uniform and at a sort

of moral attention forever; I wanted

no more riotous excursions with

privileged glimpses into the human

heart..."

People start BOOING. Andy looks up.

ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)

Please, let's keep it down. We have

a long way to go.

(he resumes reading)

"Only Gatsby, the man who gives his

name to this book, was exempt from

my reaction - Gatsby, who

represented everything for which I

have an unaffected scorn..."

The crowd is incredulous.

INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - LATER THAT NIGHT

ANDY (BRITISH)

Chapter Two.

The crowd is horribly bored.

INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM, BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

The clock says 11:30. The PROMOTER glares at Zmuda.

PROMOTER:

Is he ever going to stop?

ZMUDA:

(dour)

Sure. When he reaches "The End."

INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - LATER THAT NIGHT

People are streaming out. Maybe fifty are left. Andy

realizes this -- but is committed. He must continue.

ANDY (BRITISH)

"Tom was evidently perturbed at

Daisy's running around alone, for on

the following Saturday night he came

with her to Gatsby's party. Perhaps

his presence gave the evening its

peculiar quality of

oppressiveness..."

A weak VOICE feebly shouts:

WEAK VOICE:

Do Latka.

Andy looks up, shocked. Insulted, he "blows his temper."

ANDY (BRITISH)

Look! I don't have to tolerate this

impoliteness! Forget it -- I'm

gonna stop the show. GOODBYE!

He slams the book shut. People CHEER. Andy starts to storm

off -- then turns.

ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)

No, no, I'm only fooling.

The audience GROANS.

ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)

I'll tell you what. Would you

rather have me continue reading or

would you like to hear the

phonograph record?

The audience ROARS for the record. Andy smiles, puts the

needle on and to everyone's horror more "Gatsby" comes out.

ANDY (BRITISH-FROM THE RECORD)

"His presence gave the evening its

peculiar quality of oppressiveness -

it stands out in my memory from

Gatsby's other parties that

summer..."

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - LATER THAT NIGHT

There are six people left in the audience. Andy reads on.

ANDY (BRITISH)

"Tomorrow we will run faster,

stretch out our arms farther... And

one fine morning - So we beat on,

boats against the current borne back

ceaselessly into the past."

Andy somberly shuts the book.

ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)

The End.

A moment of quiet personal euphoria. Andy looks enraptured,

the man who has just climbed Everest.

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