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Man on the Moon Page #7
ANDY:
Yeah, yeah, in a sec'.
(he lugs the dishes
to the kitchen)
That was decaf, right?
The guy nods. Andy hurries over with the coffeepot and
starts pouring.
You know, you look just like Andy
Kaufman.
ANDY:
Yeah, I get that all the time.
Andy hurries off. The guy's buddy leans in, whispering.
I'm telling you, it's him.
You wanna bet?? If that was him, he
wouldn't be workin' here, pouring my
coffee!
NEAR THE KITCHEN
Andy dumps out wet coffee grounds. He is sweating. In the
b.g., George enters the restaurant. He sees Andy, sits at a
table and YELLS OUT.
GEORGE:
Hey! Could you clear this table and
bring me a piece of poundcake?
Andy turns. They stare down each other.
GEORGE (cont'd)
Andy, this is ridiculous. Take off
that apron.
ANDY:
(infuriated)
NO! I'd rather work here, than at
ABC. There's no lying in a
restaurant. They don't promise you
a job as a cashier, then suddenly
make you a frycook!
Andy hurries off with a water pitcher. George chases him.
GEORGE:
Look, I'm sorry. They're a**holes!
But we work in a creative business.
You can't predict what people are
gonna like --
ANDY:
The ONLY reason I did Taxi was so I
could have my own Special!
GEORGE:
(trying to calm him)
Tell you what. I'll book you on
some concerts, and meanwhile, we'll
show the Special around... see if
somebody wants to buy it --
ANDY:
(bitter)
Yeah, we can have a garage sale.
"Hey look, I got a floor lamp and a
network TV Special for only fifty
cents!"
A glum moment.
ANDY (cont'd)
How long is left on my Taxi
contract?
GEORGE:
(awkward)
So four years, seven months.
ANDY:
(he looks up)
Okay... I'll go back. But just let
them know, first they ain't gettin'
Latka. They're gettin' Tony!
CUT TO:
EXT. TEXAS A&M COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
A marquee says "TEXAS A&M PRESENTS - ANDY KAUFMAN"
Inside, a ROAR of APPLAUSE surges.
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - SAME TIME
Andy is walking onstage. The excited CLAPPING swells. He's
a gigantic presence to these people.
Andy smiles and bows.
ANDY:
Thank you. It's great to be here.
We're going to have a very nice
time. We'll sing some songs --
SORORITY GIRL:
DO LATKA!!
Andy reacts, perturbed. He struggles to stay composed.
ANDY:
Uh, we'll play with puppets --
DRUNKS IN UNISON
LATKA! LATTTTKAAAA!!!
Andy scowls. Then -- he loses it.
ANDY:
Excuse me one moment.
Andy angrily hurries offstage.
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM, BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
Zmuda is with the congas and props. Andy runs up.
ANDY:
Give me the book.
ZMUDA:
(startled)
No! Andy, don't do it --
ANDY:
They're asking for it.
Andy fiercely GRABS a small book from Zmuda. Zmuda cringes.
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
Andy strides back out. He gazes at the crowd.
ANDY:
Since you're such a special
audience... I'm going to reveal, for
the first time ever, the real me.
(he goes into a
CLIPPED BRITISH:
ACCENT)
I'm actually British. I was raised
in London and educated at Oxford.
And though I dabble in clowning, I
do find it so boorish. So...
American.
(beat)
I prefer the fine arts. Henceforth,
tonight, I'd like to grace you with
a reading of the greatest novel ever
written!
(he holds up the
book)
"The Great Gatsby", by F. Scott
Fitzgerald!!
BEAT.
Heh? The crowd isn't quite clear if this is good or bad. A
confused murmur.
ANDY (BRITISH)
(he cracks open the
book)
Chapter One.
(he starts READING)
"In my younger and more vulnerable
years, my father gave me some advice
that I've been turning over in my
mind ever since. 'Whenever you feel
like criticizing anyone,' he told
me, 'just remember that all the
people in this world haven't had the
advantages you've had.'"
There's a little NERVOUS LAUGHTER. Is he really gonna read
this?
ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)
"He didn't say any more, but we've
always been unusually communicative
in a reserved way, and I understood
that he meant a great deal more than
that..."
Suddenly, somebody from the audience screams:
LATKA!!!
The audience ROARS approvingly. Andy stops reading and
looks at the student. He smiles.
ANDY (AS LATKA)
Tank you veddy much!!!!
The audience APPLAUDS enthusiastically. Andy waits until
the applause dies and goes back to the book.
ANDY (BRITISH)
"When I came back from the East last
autumn, I felt that I wanted the
world to be in uniform and at a sort
of moral attention forever; I wanted
no more riotous excursions with
privileged glimpses into the human
heart..."
People start BOOING. Andy looks up.
ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)
Please, let's keep it down. We have
a long way to go.
(he resumes reading)
"Only Gatsby, the man who gives his
name to this book, was exempt from
my reaction - Gatsby, who
represented everything for which I
have an unaffected scorn..."
The crowd is incredulous.
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - LATER THAT NIGHT
ANDY (BRITISH)
Chapter Two.
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM, BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
The clock says 11:30. The PROMOTER glares at Zmuda.
PROMOTER:
Is he ever going to stop?
ZMUDA:
(dour)
Sure. When he reaches "The End."
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - LATER THAT NIGHT
People are streaming out. Maybe fifty are left. Andy
realizes this -- but is committed. He must continue.
ANDY (BRITISH)
"Tom was evidently perturbed at
Daisy's running around alone, for on
the following Saturday night he came
with her to Gatsby's party. Perhaps
his presence gave the evening its
peculiar quality of
oppressiveness..."
WEAK VOICE:
Do Latka.
Andy looks up, shocked. Insulted, he "blows his temper."
ANDY (BRITISH)
Look! I don't have to tolerate this
impoliteness! Forget it -- I'm
gonna stop the show. GOODBYE!
He slams the book shut. People CHEER. Andy starts to storm
off -- then turns.
ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)
No, no, I'm only fooling.
The audience GROANS.
ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)
I'll tell you what. Would you
rather have me continue reading or
would you like to hear the
phonograph record?
The audience ROARS for the record. Andy smiles, puts the
needle on and to everyone's horror more "Gatsby" comes out.
ANDY (BRITISH-FROM THE RECORD)
"His presence gave the evening its
peculiar quality of oppressiveness -
it stands out in my memory from
summer..."
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - LATER THAT NIGHT
There are six people left in the audience. Andy reads on.
ANDY (BRITISH)
"Tomorrow we will run faster,
stretch out our arms farther... And
one fine morning - So we beat on,
boats against the current borne back
ceaselessly into the past."
ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd)
The End.
A moment of quiet personal euphoria. Andy looks enraptured,
the man who has just climbed Everest.
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"Man on the Moon" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/man_on_the_moon_718>.
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